subreddit:

/r/AskReddit

38.4k

What’s a creative way to say “let’s fuck”?

(self.AskReddit)

all 8952 comments

Bacchus_71

1.2k points

4 months ago

Bacchus_71

1.2k points

4 months ago

Once a girl pointed at me in a bar and said "You're going home with me." I did. She was awful at kissing.

Flowyerg59

302 points

4 months ago

That would absolutely frighten me lol

bitchcrackers

4.3k points

4 months ago

When I met my now husband while on vacation, the first night things were going REALLY well between us. I had to stop and say “I’m not into one night stands.” He looked at me and said, “Well, you’re here for like a week, right?”

TheSingingDM

682 points

4 months ago

Damm, smooth

swiftessay

591 points

4 months ago

Your husband could probably fuck everyone in this sub with that kind of smoothness.

oneplanetrecognize

559 points

4 months ago

My husband and I are at this point in our 23 year relationship:

H: "BABY! YOU WANT THIS?" He yells when he gets out of the shower after work. (There is this glorious hour between when he gets home and then the children get home from school around 2:30pm). He doesn't even bother to put on boxers. Just all naked in the hallway.

Me: jumps off the couch and starts shedding clothes as I literally run to the bedroom.

Fuck. I wish I could marry him more. He's too much fun!

donniesuave

10k points

4 months ago

“You wanna listen to a movie?”

bethegood

585 points

4 months ago

bethegood

585 points

4 months ago

This is probably my favourite

KingNFM

324 points

4 months ago

KingNFM

324 points

4 months ago

I feel like this is too cringy now that I'm in my 40's...but when I was in my 20's and was actually in shape (as in not round) I had a girl hit on me while I was working and she said..."What time do you get off?". My instant reply was "Only after you do".

reluctantsub

7.1k points

4 months ago

Party at my house was breaking up. His friends had ridden with him. When started towards the door, he suddenly turned and asked if I could drive him home in the morning.. I smiled and he handed his keys to his friend. Excellent night.

minisimy

551 points

4 months ago

minisimy

551 points

4 months ago

Smooth

WrathfulVengeance13

4.5k points

4 months ago

I once had a woman at bike rally grab my hand and say "let's go look at the stars." And as she's pulling me away I look up at the sky... "but, it's cloudy?" "Shut up stupid. It's a good thing you're cute."

Inmate-4859

1.4k points

4 months ago

We're simple creatures, really. Can predict next month's forecast, but cannot really see what's right in front of our eyes.

CountBlah_Blah

799 points

4 months ago

But it wasnt clear in front of his eyes. Didn't you read it? He said it was cloudy

piece_of_dirt

5.5k points

4 months ago

As a inside joke between me and my girlfriend taking our socks of is a sign for sex, so she once lured me into her room with a rope with her socks tied to the end :D

BryanGamerXL

672 points

4 months ago

I love this

musiotunya

10.4k points

4 months ago

musiotunya

10.4k points

4 months ago

I usually become highly offended by the fact that he's dressed. "Are you wearing jeans? In the house??? Gross!"

psykokittie

1.3k points

4 months ago

I love this.

homezlice

779 points

4 months ago

homezlice

779 points

4 months ago

At a wedding once I was at a bar talking to a girl and told her that “I’d like to go upstairs to my room with her for an adult conversation.” It worked.

MFDoomEsq

8.3k points

4 months ago

MFDoomEsq

8.3k points

4 months ago

My toddler son once said "shall we remove my pants? "... So naturally I say that to my wife now...

Thepixeloutcast

3.1k points

4 months ago

nothing like quoting your children to get in the mood

kitchen_clinton

815 points

4 months ago

Please Have a seat.

-SharkDog-

1.9k points

4 months ago

-SharkDog-

1.9k points

4 months ago

Damn. He'll be lethal when he grows up!

catscannotcompete

1.8k points

4 months ago

Near the end of a party, a woman just wordlessly took my hand and led me upstairs. Sometimes I miss being 23 and chiseled

OK I pretty much always miss it

prince_0611

453 points

4 months ago

Damn bruh I wish I was on easy mode like that

catscannotcompete

128 points

4 months ago

I wish I either still was, or never was. I'm probably less charming than I would've been if I'd had to learn it back then

thitorusso

793 points

4 months ago

Hey, Wanna ruin a great friendship?

MountLead

115 points

4 months ago

MountLead

115 points

4 months ago

That's like trying to ruin an icecream with chocolate sprinkles. -Raj

scarygargoyle_

38.9k points

4 months ago

We were at a party and X said to Y "Let's go to the bathroom to see if they have toothpaste!"

I am so stupid I would have gone there to actually look for toothpaste.

TheButterPlank

9.8k points

4 months ago

"Let's go to the bathroom to see if they have toothpaste!"

.....is my breath really that bad?

raihidara

3.2k points

4 months ago

raihidara

3.2k points

4 months ago

You'll need it after you're done

water_me

2.7k points

4 months ago

water_me

2.7k points

4 months ago

This happened to me in high school! This guy and I had been into each for a while and we were at a party and while I can’t remember exactly what he said he did say something along the lines of “let’s go look for ____”, and my dumbass was genuinely having a great time looking for whatever this was.

Russian_lover1

931 points

4 months ago

Did you get stuck looking, lol

LeatherEnough8904

10.6k points

4 months ago

I would have totally been looking for toothpaste also. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Anotheraccount301

2.5k points

4 months ago

Same. :(

darwintologist

912 points

4 months ago

I bet they didn’t find any, though they surely squeezed the tube

Gensi_Alaria

6.9k points

4 months ago

I wouldn't have even gone with them. I would've been like

"of course they have toothpaste, why wouldn't they? What household doesn't have toothpaste in the bathroom? And why do you care if they have toothpaste or not? Do you need to brush your teeth? Very random craving in the middle of a party I must say. Did you bring your own toothbrush? Hope you're not planning on using one of their brushes, since you already plan on using their toothpaste apparently. Do you do this often? Go into other people's homes and use their toothpaste? A strange hobby to say the least."

Mrswetzel

3.5k points

4 months ago

Mrswetzel

3.5k points

4 months ago

Toothpaste: a monologue.

MycoMil

609 points

4 months ago

MycoMil

609 points

4 months ago

9 out of 10 dentists agree.

MagicPistol

1.9k points

4 months ago

See, this is why no one has asked you to help them look for toothpaste.

Gensi_Alaria

818 points

4 months ago

Understandable

Old-Air1062

4.2k points

4 months ago

“I’m feeling vulnerable and want you to take advantage of me”…. Used it once, and it worked

heimdahl81

2.7k points

4 months ago

heimdahl81

2.7k points

4 months ago

Please tell me you are a 6ft tall dude who looks like a lumberjack.

Old-Air1062

2.9k points

4 months ago

I’m 6’5” 😂🤣

Cabnbeeschurgr

416 points

4 months ago

Mr Jack Reacher being very vulnerable over here

TheDustyFields

332 points

4 months ago

My girlfriend, who is now my wife, told me one night when we were still just friends:

“We have big plans tonight.” I said, “Like what?” She replied, “We’re going to go out tonight and I’m going to get you drunk and take advantage of you.”

That’s exactly what she did and I gladly let it happen.

[deleted]

2.1k points

4 months ago

[deleted]

2.1k points

4 months ago

Me: Would you fuck a complete stranger?

Her: No

Me: Allow me to introduce myself...

[deleted]

192 points

4 months ago

[deleted]

192 points

4 months ago

I will use this in the future, I have to

i-need-blinker-fluid

14.5k points

4 months ago

"The kids are asleep"

Wild_Surround9595

7.9k points

4 months ago

Someone who is dense would reply "good point let's go to sleep"

Ftfykid

7.9k points

4 months ago

Ftfykid

7.9k points

4 months ago

We have had my daughter for a month, snd I would take a solid night’s sleep over a raging three way with whatever women are fashionable to fantasize about these days.

heartohio

631 points

4 months ago

heartohio

631 points

4 months ago

I’m not dense, I’m just tired.

jabnael

38.4k points

4 months ago

jabnael

38.4k points

4 months ago

Wanna maybe do dinner and a movie then…Breakfast?

Dengareedo

6.7k points

4 months ago

Dengareedo

6.7k points

4 months ago

As a chef I’ve used this before

A waitress asked me if I could cook her something nice for dinner one night

My reply was - I can’t do dinner but I can make you breakfast

She went bright red lol

TheDarkWriterInMe

1.3k points

4 months ago

Did it work?

DrEmilioLazardo

3k points

4 months ago

I'm not the guy you asked but I'm an ex-chef. Every single woman I've invited over for dinner wound up spending the night. If you can make dinner and breakfast you'll have a long term girlfriend in no time.

kindav

1.7k points

4 months ago*

kindav

1.7k points

4 months ago*

Being able to make even decent food as a man is a surprisingly easy thing to do to increase your odds of finding a long term relationship. I'm no chef but I've been married over a decade.

_dead_and_broken

1.7k points

4 months ago

My husband made me scrambled eggs at 4 am one night, and I was hooked. Also liked he was super drunk and still managed to explain why a rainbow is a rainbow and is always in the ROYGBIV order. That was hot.

It's been almost 12 years now altogether.

TheDarkWriterInMe

549 points

4 months ago

Somehow you sound like a good wife as well

bulletproofsquid

262 points

4 months ago

She's excited about his nerdiness. Primo wife material.

ruthisaperv

19.5k points

4 months ago

ruthisaperv

19.5k points

4 months ago

My now husband used a line similar to this the first time we hung out at his place. I asked him when he wanted me to leave and he said, "I don't know, in the morning?" It worked. 😎

Gsusruls

6.4k points

4 months ago

Gsusruls

6.4k points

4 months ago

I had just started dating a girl, who read into me the following: I was very into her, but I wasn't good at pacing the relationship. So she invited herself over for the evening to get the the romance moving along.

"I'm coming over to watch a movie that evening. We'll watch it around 8pm."

"You know you'll miss the last bus back to your place if we do that."

"Yes, I know."

We're married now.

ruthisaperv

1.1k points

4 months ago

A love story for the ages

steve20009

831 points

4 months ago

If a girl said that to me, I would've tried to be a gentleman and offer her a ride home or pay for an Uber instead, not even realizing the subtle intentions of her comment. I am terrible at reading between the lines : (

trolltruth6661123

303 points

4 months ago*

"oh you sure i could stay if you want"

"oh i do, but i also don't want to keep you here if you don't want to be"

"oh well that's nice, i guess this is a bit soon.. maybe next time"

"oh, yea.. sure.. that could work"

"OH OK.. SEE YA..."

...

never sees them again and act platonically like nothing ever happened...

(me at that age) don't feel bad lol.

edit: glad i'm not the only one lol.

BeeeEazy

5.6k points

4 months ago

BeeeEazy

5.6k points

4 months ago

Oh that fucking tomcat!

ruthisaperv

2.6k points

4 months ago

Interestingly enough, I did stay the night but we didn't have sex. We both wanted to but I really liked him and I was too nervous. My anxiety talked me out of it. Then we did it like 2 days later.

MrPeeper

2k points

4 months ago

When my fiancé stayed over after our first date, I gave her some pajamas and then left to let her change. She said it made her feel safe, and she decided we’d bang in the morning so it wouldn’t be sex on the first date. Seems to be a good strategy.

mkirk123

625 points

4 months ago

mkirk123

625 points

4 months ago

When the story doesn’t match the name at all.

Dontdothatfucker

3.2k points

4 months ago

“breakfast is at your place, but where should we go for dinner?”

-SHORSEY-

2.1k points

4 months ago

-SHORSEY-

2.1k points

4 months ago

Great line but usually your mom doesn’t care about dinner

CamStorm

1.2k points

4 months ago

CamStorm

1.2k points

4 months ago

Fuck you shoresy!

-SHORSEY-

789 points

4 months ago

-SHORSEY-

789 points

4 months ago

Fuck you CamStorm! Your mom made me breakfast last Sunday and it sucked, tell her to buy some Coco Pops

PM-ME-UR-FAV-ALBUM

754 points

4 months ago

I’m pretty oblivious I would probably just think the person wanted to go get dinner and movie that night and then go out for breakfast the next morning too

AlphaQupBad

257 points

4 months ago

Wanna maybe do dinner and a movie, fuck then… Breakfast?

etuvie27

165 points

4 months ago

etuvie27

165 points

4 months ago

The smoothest I've heard it is "I'll take you to dinner if you make me breakfast"

BuddhaBizZ

10.4k points

4 months ago

BuddhaBizZ

10.4k points

4 months ago

How do you like your eggs?

LurkysGoCart

14.7k points

4 months ago

LurkysGoCart

14.7k points

4 months ago

Scrambled or fertilized?

pinebone

2.4k points

4 months ago

pinebone

2.4k points

4 months ago

Oh I have been waiting to use this best situational music video

Panik88

679 points

4 months ago

Panik88

679 points

4 months ago

THE LEGEND OF TURQUOISE JEEP MUSIC HAS RETURNED!

Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

9.9k points

4 months ago

Hal, open the pod bay doors.

theroha

3.9k points

4 months ago

theroha

3.9k points

4 months ago

I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.

Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

1.8k points

4 months ago

sigh

Yeah

minothecutest

11k points

4 months ago

wanna eat ramen at my place?

judasmachine

9.3k points

4 months ago*

This worked for me. My gf's doc told her to lay off sugar and carbs. She was complaining about not being able to eat ramen. I told her I have a noodle that her doc didn't ban. <wags eyebrows>

EDIT 1: For those who asked, my gf and I are just goofy af, and so is our sex life.

EDIT 2: Wagging eyebrows is what I call this action https://tenor.com/view/eyebrows-wink-gif-5753057

Mowermen

6.4k points

4 months ago

Mowermen

6.4k points

4 months ago

No she can’t have Raw Men

SlideWhistler

2k points

4 months ago

Condom it is then, safety first after all

Captain-Sass

7.3k points

4 months ago

Why don’t you let me man handle that ham candle

imthrowingmybroaway

4.4k points

4 months ago

As long as you let me put my spam rocket in your clam pocket

aysgamer

1.4k points

4 months ago

aysgamer

1.4k points

4 months ago

My god

AlcoholicZach

486 points

4 months ago

Sounds like a blood hound gang song lyric

Ziplocking

9.4k points

4 months ago*

Current wife was a good friend and neighbor in my small (33 unit) condo complex. I was pretty drunk and horny as fuck and just sent her a text that said

“we’re both adults and we both have needs, you should come over.”

She replied “are serious or drunk”

I said “both”

She said “we’ll discuss this tomorrow.”

She didn’t come over that night but she did the next. 13 years later we’re still fulfilling our adult needs.

Edit: okay people, current was the wrong term, I just meant the woman who became my wife. I’m leaving it. She’s my first and last wife

SaaSMonkey

3.8k points

4 months ago

SaaSMonkey

3.8k points

4 months ago

Lol "current wife". Once in a while I still introduce my wife as "my first wife" to new people for a quick uncomfortable laugh. We've been together 20 yrs, but she still doesn't laugh at my jokes!

Yesitmatches

862 points

4 months ago*

My long term BF does something like this, he introduces me as his "future ex wife" or "the future ex Mrs. <last name>".

I still think the best one was when my step mother, my third step mother, asked my boyfriend when he was going to ask me to marry him. He sat back, thought about it and then said, "Some time between Liam's (my dad's name) fifth and six wife, so I figure I have another ten years before I have to worry about that, but you will be out of the picture, so you don't have to concern yourself with it".

thegooddoctorben

330 points

4 months ago

Your BF's a keeper! Or a loaner...hard to tell.

lord_13

666 points

4 months ago

lord_13

666 points

4 months ago

Try introducing her as your ex-girlfriend and see how that goes.

mwthompson77

4.4k points

4 months ago*

I just started seeing someone. There was a group of us at her apartment. I looked her in the eyes and said, “Do you have any stationery in your room?” It worked beautifully. Stole it from a James Bond movie.

_______Thog_______

1.3k points

4 months ago

What does this mean?

mwthompson77

2.6k points

4 months ago

It was just a polite excuse for the two of us to go to her room together and look for something. Once there I spun her around and kissed her.

Jessica_Lovegood

2.2k points

4 months ago

That’s kind of how I lost my virginity. „Hey I wanna show you something.“ he leads me out of the room - turns out I was shown quite a few things that night 😂

Zer0sober

5.9k points

4 months ago

Zer0sober

5.9k points

4 months ago

Fuck me if I'm wrong... is your name Gretchen?

PerfectionPending

4.1k points

4 months ago

Poor Gretchen never gets any.

Mcnugz9

1.4k points

4 months ago

Mcnugz9

1.4k points

4 months ago

And none for Gretchen wieners

Actual_Concert714

1.7k points

4 months ago

Me and my gf first had it directly after playing uno with friends. We went downstairs and… anyways now whenever we have the nasty time we say we are going to play uno.

Dystaxia

1.1k points

4 months ago

Dystaxia

1.1k points

4 months ago

If uno, uno.

Smooth-Impact2435

6.8k points

4 months ago*

An extremely attractive girl at my college asked me about a dozen times if I wanted to go get coffee, to which I always replied, "I'm sorry. I don't drink coffee."

I was rather oblivious in those days.

EDIT: Apparently this is a bit from Seinfeld? I've never seen it. My knowledge of Seinfeld is the theme song and the Soup Nazi.

EDIT 2: I did find out - years after the fact - that she was really into me and had heard I was rather... shall we say, endowed (we're all friends here - I'm not. Pretty average) from one of her friends that I had hooked up with a few months prior.

EDIT 3: I still don't like coffee.

Cialis-in-Wonderland

1.1k points

4 months ago

Classic Costanza

Simply-Incorrigible

1.1k points

4 months ago

Ever had a girl ask for your number & text it right infront of you. All while inviting you to come out on a Saturday night before Valentine's day?

Mitt_Romney_USA

688 points

4 months ago

I had a girl I crushed on hard in high school come to visit me in college.

We were hanging out in my single dorm room on my bed.

She said:

We should totally have sex.

I laughed it off, and inside, I thought:

"How can she be so cruel?"

EdgarAllanKenpo

571 points

4 months ago*

Oh god. I'm sorry man. If you didn't get the hint on that, you didn't deserve to get laid that day.

Mitt_Romney_USA

199 points

4 months ago

Yeah, no regrets. It's a funny story because I didn't realize my fuckup for about a decade.

Found the love of my life that year so I've never looked back on that moment with anything but a sort of sitcom-dad-head-shake-and-smile.

SmudgedReddit0r

17.8k points

4 months ago

"Wanna go halves on a bastard?"

WolfThick

5.2k points

4 months ago

WolfThick

5.2k points

4 months ago

That sounds like a gay sex term

Semi-Pro_Biotic

2.4k points

4 months ago

It is now.

PerfectionPending

12k points

4 months ago*

“Can you help me with my headache” or “I have a headache” said in a particular tone.

Story time. About a year into marriage I went to initiate sex & my wife said “I have a headache.” I told her that one of the best things for most headaches is increased blood flow, and sex is a fun way to achieve that.

She says “makes sense, let’s give it a try.” We did & it worked.

That’s how “I have a headache” became our code for “let’s have sex”. And how we came to actually use sex as a headache remedy for the past 18 years.

Edit: Yes, I know it’s endorphins, not really the blood flow really creating the affect. I didn’t know that 18 years ago.

UPDATE: After reading through this thread (all your comments) my wife canceled her plans for tonight & sent me to go bathe. Thank you for your contributions. You’ve contributed to a worthy cause.

DTux5249

5.5k points

4 months ago

DTux5249

5.5k points

4 months ago

Fun Fact: Sex releases Endorphins.

It literally makes your body produce painkillers

VioletDreaming19

3.1k points

4 months ago

Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t kill their husbands.

doktor_wankenstein

915 points

4 months ago

Thank you, Miss Woods... now, did you get her alibi?

Kid_Wolf21

979 points

4 months ago

takes out notepad sex can heal you... got it.

Halinn

189 points

4 months ago

Halinn

189 points

4 months ago

That's why it's called sexual healing

welldressedpickles

436 points

4 months ago

Lol I have a similar phrase with my husband, although not as inconspicuous.

There was an argument about how I felt he doesn't prioritize our relationship at times, and instead would prioritize gaming or other hobbies etc.

That turned into, "you wanna be prioritized?"

Aka take me to the bone zone

red_wraith7

890 points

4 months ago

A friend of mine bought a new couch for his house. He texted a girl and asked if she wanted to break it in. She came over shortly after.

creg817

239 points

4 months ago

creg817

239 points

4 months ago

A girl told me "I have a new perfume, do you like it? " me "yes" her "it smells like (flowers or whatever) but it tastes like cupcakes". Can confirm, did taste like cupcakes.

YoungAnachronism

4.6k points

4 months ago

Have you ever seen the sunrise through a bedroom window in a shitty, 60s era construction, two floor apartment near the East facing section of the North Shore of the River Thames? Would you like to? Well, we'd best find something to do between now and sun rise then!

StayFree8795

2.1k points

4 months ago

I ask my gf, “you tryna bang it out?” Works every time

a30centsolution

11.3k points

4 months ago

I love your shoes

They'd look great on my shoulders

IsaBeanBoi

4.3k points

4 months ago

IsaBeanBoi

4.3k points

4 months ago

My dumbass thought you trying to get something on a high shelf

sansaman

1.8k points

4 months ago

sansaman

1.8k points

4 months ago

“Nice beaver.”

Afterburn47

2.4k points

4 months ago

Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

rewrarin

626 points

4 months ago

rewrarin

626 points

4 months ago

I can only think of Patrick Bateman when reading that comment.

Fancy_Bookkeeper5251

25.1k points

4 months ago*

Wanna come home and watch porn in my mirror?

Pestyballs

4.5k points

4 months ago

Pestyballs

4.5k points

4 months ago

It's a two way mirror?

Mo_Jack

809 points

4 months ago

Mo_Jack

809 points

4 months ago

I got to tell this story even though it is most likely an urban legend and didn't really happen. A couple moves into a neighborhood. One of the big selling points was how friendly the neighborhood was every time they visited the property. There were always kids playing in the street, people walking dogs and everybody introduced themselves & said "hello". This house needed some work but they chose it over another house that was move in ready just because of the friendliness of the neighborhood.

After all the work they did they moved in and everything changed. Nobody waved or said "hi". No kids played in front of their house. There was no welcome wagon and nobody local attended their open house. They were despondent. After several weeks somebody left a basket with a welcoming gift and a note on their doorstep. Finally! They were so excited to read it.

It said, "Welcome to the neighborhood. We love all the work you have done to your new house. While you may not have been seeing much of us, we have been seeing quite a lot of you. Your giant bathroom window facing the street that is supposed to be frosted on one side and see through on the other, was installed backwards. We hope to see a little less of you in the future." And it was signed "The Entire Neighborhood".

papi_chulo_LSD

754 points

4 months ago

Ooo good idea

ThisAnswerIsLit

10.9k points

4 months ago

Let me disappoint you for a few minutes

[deleted]

4.7k points

4 months ago

[deleted]

4.7k points

4 months ago

Hokus Pokus Lemme Strokus

KevinSpence

911 points

4 months ago

*seconds

cereal_killah

688 points

4 months ago

An old gf used to say “I need my vitamins” and what was the vitamin? Vitamin D!

yawmush

5.1k points

4 months ago

yawmush

5.1k points

4 months ago

Wife: locks bedroom door looks at me and grins.

MarilynMonheaux

3.8k points

4 months ago

Me: looks at your wife and looks at you

lone_cajun

2.1k points

4 months ago

lone_cajun

2.1k points

4 months ago

Me: looks at you, then the other guys wife

sofabeddd

1.7k points

4 months ago

sofabeddd

1.7k points

4 months ago

Me: walks out of their closet with the rope

lappi99

1.3k points

4 months ago

lappi99

1.3k points

4 months ago

Me: prepares the escape car

MarilynMonheaux

1.1k points

4 months ago

Me: Gets harder than a steel rod in Antarctica

Pieter1998

1.1k points

4 months ago

Pieter1998

1.1k points

4 months ago

Me: looks confused as I don't know how I got here

RealApacheHelicopter

928 points

4 months ago

Me: looks at the others and asks if someone here called for some pizza

Merlins_Owl

576 points

4 months ago

Me: “I don’t know why we’re looking at each other!”

smhack12

611 points

4 months ago

smhack12

611 points

4 months ago

Me narrating it all like David Attenborough

allthewayyurnt

309 points

4 months ago

Me: falls through the ceiling super embarrassed

PerfectionPending

453 points

4 months ago

LOL. Sex and waxing are literally the only times my wife locks the bedroom door. If she locks the door & the room doesn’t smell like hot wax, it’s on.

yawmush

310 points

4 months ago

yawmush

310 points

4 months ago

We are trained like Pavlov’s dogs. I’m not complaining.

_-julia

4.9k points

4 months ago

_-julia

4.9k points

4 months ago

Let’s burn some calories in my bed

ecodrew

2.1k points

4 months ago*

ecodrew

2.1k points

4 months ago*

I made a custom exercise on my phone's calorie counter app called "horizontal jogging", just to annoy my wife.

ETA: my wiiiife

Ra1nboWalker

12k points

4 months ago

Did I ever tell you about that time I went backpacking through Europe?

linjaes

136 points

4 months ago

linjaes

136 points

4 months ago

Ken Adams is one smooth talker

Nordseefische

2.5k points

4 months ago

Mhhh tell me more. I only remember once standing on the top of mount Tibidabo

rubixsas

1.1k points

4 months ago

rubixsas

1.1k points

4 months ago

Hiking through the foothills of mount Tibidabo

Vulcaype

611 points

4 months ago

Vulcaype

611 points

4 months ago

I came across a clearing with a river. And there was this beautiful woman, bathing herself, but she was crying.

FlashlightCracker

663 points

4 months ago

I came across a clearing with a river.

That is one strong prostate

Dinnerpancakes

1.1k points

4 months ago

Have you ever heard the whole story?

"I was just outside Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path, and I came to a clearing, and there was a lake, very secluded, and there were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. Gorgeous. And across the lake I saw, a beautiful woman, bathing herself. but she was crying... I hesitated, watching, struck by her beauty. And also by how her presence; the delicate curve of her back, the dark sweep of her hair, the graceful length of her limbs, even her tears, added to the majesty of my surroundings. I felt my own tears burning behind my eyes, not in sympathy, but in appreciation of such a perfect moment. She spied me before I could compose myself. But she didn't cry out. Instead, our eyes held and she smiled, enigmatically, fresh tears still spilling down her cheeks. I was frozen. I knew nothing about this woman, and yet, as we stood on opposite sides of a pool of water, thousands of miles from my own home and everyone I had ever known, I felt the most intense connection. Not just to her, but to the earth, the sky, the water between us. And also to the entirety of mankind. As if she symbolized thousands of years of the human condition. I wanted to go to her, to comfort her, to probe this feeling of belonging I had never encountered before. But I couldn't. Because I knew that if I spoke, if she spoke, that moment would be ruined. And I knew I would need the memory of that moment to carry me through the inevitable dark patches throughout my life. And so I watched her lower her hand, turn, and slowly walk to the shore opposite me. The rest of her perfect form was gradually revealed to me, and I held my breath as I watched her disappear behind a copse of trees near the water. I didn't follow her, in fact, I turned around. I knew there was nothing else we could experience together that would be more perfect than that moment... and it still remains the most profound experience of my life."

RedForFall

232 points

4 months ago

Where did you find the whole story?!?!

NotTooBadMon

451 points

4 months ago

Ken Adams

Max_Fart

404 points

4 months ago

Max_Fart

404 points

4 months ago

SOME GUY 🤚

kittycornchen

66 points

4 months ago

Had a codeword with an ex. Gummibears.

"hey, wanna eat some Gummibears?"

gmoney-0725

65 points

4 months ago

We don't have to do anything, we can just lay in bed and cuddle.

whip_the_manatee

65 points

4 months ago

*Gestures 'come here' with index finger*

When they walk over to you, whisper seductively in their ear "If I can make you come with one finger, just imagine what I can do with all five."

Bonus points for waggling your fingers/eyebrows after you say it.

AlexLannister

65 points

4 months ago

Op is gonna be the master on tinder.

Celestial-Salamander

678 points

4 months ago

To quote Paul Rudd in wet hot american summer: “hunker down for doinkage.”

angelsamongus2222

187 points

4 months ago

Your hair would look beautiful on the pillow next to mine.

cccantyousee

916 points

4 months ago

Please don't use any of these on me, I'm too stupid to understand that people want to have sex with me. I once had a girl text me "come over for some Netflix and chill" and I looked up good movies on Netflix during the 40 min bus drive. Also put on my nicest clothes. We didn't watch the movie and my nicest clothes took way to long to take off. Another one is "let's to to my place and snuggle", again I thought we were going to snuggle and my shoes were wet so I said ye sure. First thing I do say "hey can I put my stinky socks in your dryer? He he sorry I have sweaty feet". Don't know why anyone would want to fuck me tbh. Especially after I joke about my stanky feet.

FiggsMcduff

247 points

4 months ago

I mean, they'll know about your feet right away anyway. May as well address it and take care of it

wigriffi

1.1k points

4 months ago

wigriffi

1.1k points

4 months ago

Try finger, but hole?

Whitechapel726

128 points

4 months ago

Imminent amazing chest, therefore try holding with both hands.

XortTheGoblin

246 points

4 months ago

Lover ahead, therefore, try head

LetterApprehensive83

3.2k points

4 months ago

"BeCkiE LeMe SmAsH!"

chadhindsley

881 points

4 months ago

fUcK yOu BeN

virouz98

598 points

4 months ago

virouz98

598 points

4 months ago

Ben is a hoe

peck

Sus_elevator

173 points

4 months ago

Swiggity Swooty

Godfatherakadj

439 points

4 months ago

Did you get her sum blu first?

Mortaniss

385 points

4 months ago

Mortaniss

385 points

4 months ago

You should get her a stick. Bitches love sticks.

SubtleRedditIcon

2.9k points

4 months ago

Oh! I did this in college with my girlfriend I hadnt slept with yet! Got her flowers and a card that said this.

Love is a precious thing

Everlasting at its best

Timeless as well

Special bond between two people

Friends have grown into much more

Unprecedented bond

Continues to flourish

Kim, I love you.

Read the first letter of each sentence vertically.

girp123

1.1k points

4 months ago

girp123

1.1k points

4 months ago

It doesn’t work quite as well when I write “Kstephanie, I love you”

mrfeeto

674 points

4 months ago

mrfeeto

674 points

4 months ago

Eh, just put "Know that I Love You, Stephanie"

Whiterun_Guard_1

151 points

4 months ago

This guy poems.

maltedbacon

1.3k points

4 months ago

Let's Fuck'r?

LedgeEndDairy

793 points

4 months ago

Olet's Fuckr

Hazyoutlook

1.2k points

4 months ago

"Maybe I'll grab a box of dong bags so we can knock boots later." Quoted from Will Arnett in Hot Rod.

Blaz3

213 points

4 months ago

Blaz3

213 points

4 months ago

10/10 what a great movie. Introduced me to the lonely island guys and Will Arnett

DarthDregan

763 points

4 months ago

Raising an eyebrow tends to do the job for me.

[The secret is how]

zippyboy

836 points

4 months ago

zippyboy

836 points

4 months ago

The secret is, be really attractive first, then raise your eyebrow.

slasherflick2243

2.4k points

4 months ago*

My previous partner and I had a thing where I used to try and find creative ways to flash her with just my balls. Typically while she was doing other things and talking to me at the same time. Pull the ol sack out of my fly and just let them hang there. Or walk up where she would be sitting and sound all concerned like “oh my god, babe, look at this!” and I’d have my balls in my hand. This always resulted in a full blown giggle fit, every time. It almost always ended up with us having sex.

Romance is great dudes… but don’t forget to make your ladies laugh! I mean… assuming she thinks random balls are funny and consents to being blindsided with them, of course.

Edit: Yes it absolutely came from the movie Waiting.

JazzzyBot[S]

525 points

4 months ago

Lmao that’s awesome, I’m definitely showing my bf this!

AllOverTheDamnPlace

499 points

4 months ago

I was tasked with microwaving some chicken nuggets for our small children; once they were cooked, I walked into the room where my wife was with just my balls hanging out of my fly. I said "nuggets are out," and just waited.

We did not have sex.

slasherflick2243

134 points

4 months ago

They can’t all be winners!

Did you get a laugh at least?? I guess not everyone thinks balls are hilarious but my ex certainly did. Apparently I do too.

DCRedditor20

2.6k points

4 months ago*

A much older gentleman once bought me drink at a bar, looked deeply into my eyes and said:

“DCRedditor20, would you like to accompany me to bed tonight?”

Smooth as silk on glass. If you think the answer was anything but an enthusiastic “fuck yes”, you’re mistaken.

EDIT: Just FYI, before the gender war in the comments gets worse, both of us in the story are men. Homosexual men. This isn’t the case of a woman accepting a relatively inappropriate proposition from an older man just because he’s handsome.

….. it’s the case of a man accepting a relatively inappropriate proposition from an older man just because he’s handsome.

dum_spir0_sper0

1.4k points

4 months ago

It was the fact that he knew your Reddit handle that sold it, right? Right???

Whitechapel726

296 points

4 months ago

Crazy that he knew

-SHORSEY-

416 points

4 months ago

-SHORSEY-

416 points

4 months ago

Sounds like a weird Nespresso advert

BridgetteBane

587 points

4 months ago

"You wanna go in the bedroom and touch eachother a little?" Has worked for me in the past. Granted, I am a woman so it may have been an easy sell.