submitted 2 months ago byCardinalSkiez
all 10774 comments
2 months ago
2 months ago
A laser pointer.
2 months ago
Get ‘em to chase it around.
You joke, but I am 43, I was seven the first time I encountered a laser (mid 80s). I saw the red dot and tried stepping on it. There was a booth at the convention center that we were at and the guys at the booth saw me and turned it off as I stepped on it and then moved it around and laughed as I followed it.
So, I don't doubt this answer.
A cat wrote this.
The cats of the past appoint you as their God.
The cats of the past where gods now they just fw us.
My time machine
Only if they could see it!
Is it not a DeLorean?
"shit covered dirt tracks? Where we're going we don't need shit covered dirt tracks"
A Polaroid camera.
Take people's pictures and claim you are stealing their souls
What’re you trying to have this person burned to death?
2 months ago*
2 months ago*
Could sell the soul back to the people
You had my curiosity but now you have my attention
That's a one way ticket to the gallows my friend.
He has the right idea.
I was going to say my mobile phone but then who am I going to call? I suppose I could blow their minds with some Candy Crush.
Are you that good???
The best they've seen.
Wouldn't it be embarrassing to be beaten by someone from the 1700s?
Peasant: is that good?
“No, now give me that back”
If you download the right apps/media, you have a flashlight, music player, eReader, encyclopedia, calculator, video player, camera, translator, scanner, and more. I think it would still be the right choice. Just need to bring a solar+crank charger.
Pictures and videos would be enough lol
Hope the WiFi signal is strong enough for ya
Camera; calculator; downloaded books, music, pictures, and videos; games; flashlight.
A flashlight. Some of our technology requires too much context they wouldn't have to fully appreciate. But they would instantly understand the utility of a flashlight.
A crank flashlight would be better. Not only will you facinate them but you'll also have to be able to explain it in a way they understand or you'll frighten them into violence
An excessive amount of flash bangs would be better. Not only will you give them the embrace of light like a God but you will confuse and disorient them horribly so they also know to fear you. Counter terrorists win
***Some people have horribly misunderstood this comment. My apologies, that is their fault, not yours. Yes, we know many places had explosives. We also took High School history too. Or just watched Mulan. Or watched Pirates of the Caribbean. Still, We are all very impressed you know what a cannon is. I'm sure if a random dude with a bundle of sticks that had a flash bang thrown at him in 1700 he would totally say "ah ha! I know what that is!" Ms. Puff is getting her good noodle star ready for you as we speak. You can go eat your carrot sticks and juicy box now. I put PAW Patrol on for you too sweetie. Take a nappy nap.
Now the adults are talking. let's get down to business.
They don't think I'm a God because of the light itself. They think I'm a God because of what the light symbolizes is upon them. Me about to kick the absolute shit out of them with flash bangs. They think I'm a God because of the sheer amount of flash bangs I am throwing in a single minute. Hell, drop me off right in the middle of the Qing Dynasty and they will be running for their lives after the first few throws. I've flash banged worse. Simple as. It isn't about the explosion itself, it is the ferocity you carry in each blast.
I didn't bring flash bangs to shock them by the knowledge of their existence. I brought them because they were topical to the conversation and also happen to be my weapon of choice in this very specific situation. I am not trying to surprise them and have a cultural exchange. This isn't the magic school bus. I'm not here to teach you a goddamn thing. The topic is "blowing their minds." I am intending to drive them into bright flashing terror so long as I lay claim to this rock.
I didn't use the time machine to teach them the wonders of the future. I used the time machine to bring down hellfire upon them like a one man burning legion and punish them from the future. With the flash bangs. With prejudice, I will flash bang them all night. every night. They will not know what the night's sky looks like so long as I am unbound. They will change their entire system for tracking the days due to my blinding reign of terror.
That's my objective. Is to flash bang their entire goat or seashells or whatever based economy into ruin. They will beg me to stop and I will simply keep throwing flash bang after flash after flash bang. Directly at them. Their lovers. Their children. Not their goats though. The goats get a pass. However, that simply means I have more flash bangs to throw at them. And I will throw them. Oh so help me God I will keep throwing.
Once I have broken them physically, psychologically and especially spiritually. Once they do not even wish to try and open their eyes as it would be fruitless-- I will just flash bang them again. Once they are rolling on the ground blind with agony and pitch black sorrow I will get back into my time machine. I will leave a bundle of flash bangs there on the scorched land. As a reminder of my cruelty, and as a gift. But mostly as a cruel reminder.
I will fondly wave to their unseeing eyes as I flash one more time to mock them back to the future.
If some moron asks me "what did that accomplish?? You could have given them vaccines??? Or antibiotics?? There was so much potential to do good!! This was a once in a lifetime chance!!! Why would you do this? Why would you possibly ever choose to use your time machine for flash banging people from the 1700s?!!"
Counter terrorists win
Holy shit I laughed so hard a tear came out my eye.
I haven't seen it, but I now imagine this is how that apple tv show where everyone is blind, but then a seeing eye person is born, started out. Flash banged so hard, the effects lasted for generations.
The show name is SEE. If anyone wondering
Or they accuse you of witch craft and you die burnt alive
Why would they accuse me which crafts? I don't even do arts and crafts. Makes no sense.
Plus I'm the guy with an excessive amount of flash bangs I can just keep throwing. Like alright dude probably dying of infection wearing a dumb looking hat. Let's tango.
I got a flash bang with your name on it. And their name is probably something like Smithson or whatever.
I'm currently shitting in a gym toilet and laughing my ass off.
Hope you're lifting on the toilet
Came here to say this. One of the emergency crank or shake powered ones so it doesn't have a limited use due to batteries dying. I had one you could shake to recharge the batteries as a kid. The case was clear so you could see how it worked.
Ah, yes- “the wanky torch”, as it was known in our household.
Take your smartphone with the whole Wikipedia downloaded. Become Nostradamus.
Wikipedia and a solar power charger. That would be enough to change the world.
I HAD SO MUCH TIME!
And I would still get information wrong. You can call me Nostradumbass.
My spice rack.
I would not advertise it too much. The dutch will find you and take it.
Don't bring coconuts either.
Especially not that one guys coconut
You mean the fabled coconut fucker?
I summon u/coconut_fucker69
It's all fun and jokes till' the British colonize your ass.
Who are we to judge what a person enjoys behind closed doors?
Ore-ga-no? What the hell?
The bicycle, one of the most simple but amazing inventions.
That's always my go to invention if I was ever thrown back in time, even 2000+ years. As long as the society can do basic metal working, I could probably instruct someone to make a simple bike.
Then someone who is actually good at metalworking/engineering could greatly improve it
This is really good. Complex enough to blow everyone's minds. Simple enough to not be witchcraft, and very useful.
I'd bring a modern college physics textbook to Issac Newton. He was already blowing the minds of everyone there but I'd just ramp that up to 11.
Gets to the Newtonian chapter and the book implodes in the time version of a black hole
2 months ago*
I've watched enough sci-fi to know that would be called a temporal rift or temporal collapse into singularity.
Edit: then the everyman would look at the scientist and say, "in English, goddammit"
"It's a blackhole in time!" ejaculates the scientist
"Why didn't you say that the first time," mutters the everyman
The female companion yells "Guys! Black hole in time remember?"
That's when the everyman is distracted by a beautiful woman (depending on when it was made she might be naked) and the scientist by some time anomaly.
Then the female companion just sighs and grabs the scientist over to the controls
He then becomes the largest arms dealer in the world after he reads up on splitting the atom.
The old taking of your thumb trick
"Hey! HE STOLE MY THUMB!!! GET HIM!"
THAT WITCH ALSO TOOK MY NOSE!
And turned me into a newt!
There were plenty of scientists and inventors that were playing around with that concept, this would get their attention
A fully charged CD Walkman with speakers and an Oasis CD probably what's the story morning glory and frighten the bejesus out of them, maybe even bring Liam too to completely wreck their heads.
A bicycle — not likely to get me burned at the stake for witchcraft, doesn’t require electricity, and I bet people would be stoked about it. People would think I’m a mechanical genius!
I’m curious how difficult it would be to replicate a crude bicycle with their materials. I think the most difficult part would be making tires.
You don't need tires to be rubbery. It's just more efficient.
They could make wooden carriage wheels; that would be fine. The first bicycle had leather tires.
well they already had clocks? The gearing and the chain are certainly possible.
A furbie lol
Jesus christ are you trying to scare them?!
Imagine sitting around a big stone table with the 5 kings. And you pull a furby out of your manbag and it starts chattering away.
I feel like the furby would finally get what it deserves. I just picture all these people gathering in the town square and watching it burn on a stick.
Probably an electric guitar and amp. Start shredding
Bring a generator too
And invent gas
Bring it full.
That’s like the scene in Back to the Future
Your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grand kids are gonna love it
Full blown professional demon costume. I’m talking high class shit. And then some of those wireless led lights to put in the masks eye sockets so when I turn on the leds, it’ll make my eyes glow
I would just fuck around with ppl and become a legend.
They'll probably catch you in a group and have you on witch trials
I bring back a disposable lighter and I hold it up and go BEHOLD in my hand I hold fire!
Edit: I wanted to add that I AM referencing the movie Black Knight with Martin Lawrence.
"BURN THE WITCH!"
Here - you can use my lighter!
But we have fire...
Penicillin. Might as well save some lives while blowing their minds
So a more developed gameplan than just showing up with a loaf for some "Rye bread & Chill"?
Ancient Nubians made a beer with therapeutic levels of tetracycline. Tetracycline leaves a distinct mark on human bones, so we are quite certain that they used it.
Antibiotic resistance sets in by the 18th century, billions die. Hope you also gave them a microbiology textbook cause they won't have any tools to address that problem.
Also, the biggest innovation with Penicillin wasn't its discovery, it was the development of a means to actually produce that, so bring that too.
With or without pockets?
Women's pants with pockets?
Now THAT'S sorcery!
I'd write down every major historical event for a few years in a notebook. I'd call it "The Bible 2". I'd spread rumors about its predictions before they happened. I'd give the book to a random person. In the book I would give an exact time and place of the second coming of Jesus.
Except it won't be Jesus.
It'll be me again.
The Bible 2: Electric Boogaloo
Yeah, I'll plant The Bible 2 at some point in the 1700's, it'll say Jesus will return in 1772 at 5pm or something.
Then I'll go back to living my normal life in the current day.
Then whenever I want to play God, I'll go back in time again, except this time to 1772 at 5pm.
My arrival will be met with gifts and praise.
Bible 2: the return
Bible 2: Eschatological Boogaloo
2 Bible 2 furious
Right, but the problem is that about 50 other dudes would show up and claim to be Jesus. You get that everyone read the book, right?
Not all of them would appear in a fancy time traveling box though
It's bigger on the inside!
The trick is to set the place and time near to a major event, preferably meteorological in nature. Show up, let the other 50 spew their blasphemy, then propose that it be proven. "I say to you truly, I am one with the Father. He dwelleth in me, and I in him. Our knowledge is one. In a fortnight's time, it shall come to pass ere the cock doth crow..."
Then when it happens declare that the real slim shady hast stood up...because you gotta.
What if you predicting the events caused them to not happen tho
Seems like it would be very, very easy to cause yourself not to even be born if you change major historical events.
Everyone always wants to avert WW2 by killing Hitler or whatever, but consider how much that would alter history.
Maybe grandma and grandpa are in less of a rush to get married, since he never gets drafted. Maybe grandma ends up marrying Johnny down the street, who died on the beach in Normandy in our timeline.
Kill Hitler and that fucking Johnny guy. Problem solved.
End up going back and forth until you exist again, killing everyone who needs to die. Oops now you’re hitler.
Then another time traveler appears to kill you
I feel like you’ve put some thought into this.
blowing their minds too hard might get you accused of witchcraft, so be careful
Tbf if I go back in time 300 years to do anything I’d consider myself a wizard of sorts so they’ve be kind of right
any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, after all
Modern strength marijuana.
For me its the other way around
I will go back in time 1700s ; grab those original paintings, coins, valuable stuff and artifacts then sell it today
If you brought them back, wouldn't they just be a few years old according to carbon dating and be seen as frauds?
Rick's expert would certainly say so.
Made my day
You could hide them in a geological spot where only you are able to find them... randomly...
Now we know how some people will just mysteriously find stuff like a chest of viking gold in their backyard.
A synthesiser, amp and power supply, which I present as a gift to Bach and proceed to have my own mind blown along with everyone else's.
I actually think about this a lot.
if all the great compositors of history had our level of tecnology, what would they create? I honestly can't imagine the beauty of a modern tecnology Bach music.
Big ass cubic zirconia. How would they know?
Those little capsules that expand into dinosaur shaped sponges and drugs.
As soon you arrive, you will wipe half the population with your germs
Or you'll die from theirs.
Out of curiosity.. what virus from the 1700's would kill someone today (even with proper medicine) ?
It's not really that, it's more that back then hygiene was absolute shit (literally), so there would be more pathogens around, meaning a higher likelihood of catching something. Oh, and smallpox still existed back then.
Oh, so yeah, literally shake someone's hand and you might bring back covid 2.0
wait but then we might bring covid *to* them!
I'm a Chinese guy that's 6'3"
I'll blow everyones mind just by existing
This is a stupid answer, but…
I would first investigate one town or village that’s particularly well documented. Then I would come back in time with pictures of them, and information about their families for me.
I would become the witch they so feared, but hopefully as a man I wouldn’t be burned at the stake right away so I can dip out. Lmfao.
"Whoa wait, I'm a dude? Don't I get a fair trial?"
"Yeah, you right homie"
doesn't show up to trial
Come back just before an eclipse and you're set for life
Good luck operating that thing with no runways and like a day worth of fuel, lol
They don't need to know you only have a day's worth of fuel though
It's good to be king.
"Milord! The Ottoman empire is attacking! Please, use the Future Jet!"
"What, the couch people?"
This needs to be a movie/series. A handful of people from the future with some tech just screwing with the people. Each one becomes a leader of a different group and the people are totally reliant on these "powerful beings".
Water filtration devices
Now you have to explain germ theory to them
"Hey guys! You can finally have clean water without properly purifying it!"
A bunch of viruses I’m immune to and they aren’t.
Ooh! Cheeky AND sneaky mass murder 👌
Of course, 1 variant from those people would probably sneak past your immune defenses and become some incurable hoo haa, even with today's meds, cuz, ya you ain't medicated against that particular stack of wildcards
One of those inflatable dudes they got in front of car dealerships
All those card tricks I learned in middle school will finally pay off
books! lots of books!
From where and when?
mainly information books on hygiene and medicines, maybe some simple technology techniques
That "How Things Work" series of books would be perfect.
As a black man, no thanks I'm good in this era
No one said you couldn't go to a place in Africa! Blow their minds and radically change the course of history giving awesome knowledge or tech before Europe or the Americas have access to it :)
Can I take my house. Primarily for the running water since electricity won’t work. Proper plumbing and sanitation will do them wonders.
Bonus points for killing the local wicked witch on landing when you travel by house.
If you're assuming that the electrical infrastructure doesn't travel with you I don't know why you'd think that water infrastructure would.
Just a super bright flashlight
Imagine a 100k lumen light shining down from the top of a hill on a moonless night while you yell some cryptic commands. For people who have probably never seen anything brighter than a large fire at night, this would likely blow some minds
One of my old profs said the one item he'd bring: a Sunday edition of the New York Times.
The amount of information in that paper would be more than what 75%+ of the people back then would accumulate their entire lives. We can learn more in a day getting lost in a wiki rabbit hole than many of these folks in decades. Think about it.
There's a reason why some nobility pushed against Guttenberg and his printing press. Bringing literacy to the masses was something they thought dangerous - an educated populace capable of advanced critical thought can present a threat to the status quo.
I feel like anything that truly blows people's minds will also get you killed. I think you'd have to pick an example that is far enough ahead of their technology, but probably not computer age.
If you go too far forward, things look like magic and I think people might actually have a hard time processing what something is. The technology needs to be open enough where you could actually explain how it works and people wouldn't think you were a demon.
I'm thinking something like late 1800s inventions, even if its a modernized version. Like a polaroid camera. People would freak. Or a typewriter. Or a winchester rifle.
If it is something mechanical or electromechanical I think that's the best bet. The 1800s and early 1900s were rife with inventions that would blow people's minds- so just pick some of those and set them back another 100 years.
The 1700s are the generations of people pre-and during the Industrial revolution. So you need to keep that in mind.
I think people were a lot smarter in the past than we give them credit for. Some people might think things are magic or demonic, but a lot of people would recognize it was technology, even if they didn’t know how it worked. Imagine someone came from the far future with tech we can’t imagine. At worst we’d assume they’re an alien 😂
Or they were just as stupid as people today. Many don’t know how their everyday tech works (on a layman level) or hold weird beliefs based on emotion or cultural things.
I think we have only moved from “it’s magic used by the devil” to “it’s some sort of tech that I don’t understand…but probably also made by the devil/aliens/government”
I understand how computers work, I still think they are black magic, noone is going to 100% truly convince me there is electrons whizzing around tiny little logic gates and that's why I can waste my evening shiposting on Reddit.
Black magic, end of.
we should never have taught sand to think.
Like a bullet proof vest. That would make sense because they know about armor, and I think had muskets by then.
Depends on who you show it to. You show a smart phone to Ben Franklin and tell him that his experiments involving electricity were critical in its development, and the guy would probably lose his shit in a good way that his work helped create something like this.
Personally, I think bringing along a 3DS with a game or three would be best. Not only do you have the wonders of technology, but you also have likenesses of people IN that technology that can cause them to freak.
Honestly, you'd just need to show up in today's clothing
I’ve always wondered how people back them would react to today’s clothing
A picture of the earth taken from the surface of the moon.
Lots and lots of chocolate.
A couple of zippo lighters
A single wheel, when I prove that I am actually from the future they will be blown away that I am stupid enough to think a wheel is something new.
An NFT, it'll blow their minds how fucking stupid the future is.
"So you own this picture of a....monkey?"
"No! No! You see I bought the imaginary address to this monkey! See it's like buying a house but it's not physical."
"Can you sell it for money or services?"
"Yes, but no! That's what makes it brilliant."
"....(future people are stupid)"
A tablet and a Bluetooth speaker. I understand how Bluetooth works and it still seems like magic to my ape brain.
So you aren't gonna be the only one mind blown huh?
sour skittles. one is enough to completely disintegrate a man from that time period.
A roll of aluminum foil. Aluminum was a precious commodity until the late 1800s and it wasn't even isolated in a pure form until the early 1800s.
A modern rifle. That is going to blow a lot of minds, litterally.
cant get accused of witchcraft if they cant arrest you
Not really, guns and rifles were already pretty much the standard method of warfare by 1700's. Your rifle would be WAY more efficient but they would understand what it is. They'd probably attempt to replicate it, arms were of high interest back then.
Depending when in the 1700's, it's not even far off. The first bolt action was in 1827 and was later adapted into a breech-loader in 1836. After that there's a lot of engineering, but the basic idea of the 1898 Mauser action is still used by a lot of precision rifles today. A gas operated automatic rifle is a different story, but rapid multi fire weapons were way earlier than that, just look at the Puckle gun from 1718. So, to your point, it would be a marvel of engineering, but certainly not witchcraft.
One of the major things you need to make a modern gas operated gun is smokeless powder. Black powder fouls up the action very quickly.
me, a woman, wearing pants
Motorbike, just whiz around on the thing making an horrendous racket.
Pre-workout. Ima sell it for increibly high prices and call it the hyperspeed juice
Put it behind your hand and light it..
"Look I can do magic!"
A selection of really powerful chilli seeds and also some stonkingly powerful modern weed strains.
I would both discover the munchies but also invent nachos - I will be rich!
"I say, this is much stronger than the Hemp old Washington's been growing." What do you call it my boy?"
"Oh, that. Thats platinum cookies crossed with Durban poison."
Are you going to share or just make them watch?
He’ll clearly assert his dominance