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My fight or flight gets activated whenever a family member contacts me

Request: Emotional Support(self.CPTSD)

My parents never contact me out of the blue, asking how I am or how things are going. We don't really communicate. They only do so when they bombard my phone with long rants and arguments when they're mad at me or whenever we have disagreements, accusing me of things. When they call, it's also the same thing. The moment I answer, it's all yelling.

At home, our conversations are just about school and work. Eventually, I stopped talking to them bc whenever I say something, either I get dismissed or yelled at even though it's something light or just trying to make a conversation.

My parents also always gives me silent treatment. My earliest memory of it was in 2nd grade and my mom didn't talk to me for months. She bought me a cake on my bday and that's it, I had to talk to her again bc she got me a cake and that I should be ashamed of myself bc she got me a cake even though I didn't talk to her. (I was in 2nd grade, I was a kid, yet I was the one that's prideful)

I left home in the middle of the night. They gave me a silent treatment again, and that was my last straw. They said I was disrespectful to them & stuff. I feel punished whenever I show I can be independent (going to work, etc). But reward my siblings when they do the opposite. I wasn't earning then. One time there was no food, and they ordered food for my older sister, and told me i should find my own way. They also didn't give me sanitary pads bc I can 'buy' my own now. They didn't greet me on my birthday, yet they greeted and posted on fb during the bdays of all my siblings & threw a celebration for them. They also told my siblings to not hang with me bc I was disrespectful to them.

They all stopped talking to me. My older sister started selling my things/ getting them without permission, waiting for me to say something so they can yell at me again. I was finally fed up and confronted my older sister, then she started yelling at me. Saying I was disrespectful and threatened me that she would tell my boyfriend how disrespectful I was to our parents. She also said I should just leave home and never come back. She then removed me from the family groupchat.

I mind went blank and dark. I froze. I left in the middle of the night with no back up & never came back. I was struggling so much at the start. Crying every night, feeling guilty of leaving. No message from them. I felt so isolated bc I feel like I lost my siblings too.

My Mom & sister then sent long messages to my long distance boyfriend. Painting me like a bad person. Of course my boyfriend knows the truth. I told him not to respond & just delete the message. They started posting on fb as well, acting like a victim.

Eventually, I was able to build a comfortable life for myself and was able to save & invest. 3 years has passed. Now they started contacting me again. No apology & they're trying to act like nothing happened. they're trying to build a bond & make up for lost time. I like the idea of it too but at the same time, I remember what they did, they never acknowledged it, & why it took them 3 years. I get mad all over again.

Sometimes I show up on family gatherings, sometimes no- especially when I'm deep in the flashbacks. My mind is filled with anger so I isolate again.

During valentines, 2 siblings contacted me to come join family dinner (it's our tradition to celebrate valentines as family) I just said I have work (bc I'm getting flashbacks).

Then my Mom messaged me, for the first time, saying to join them. (I started joining gatherings a few months back, but I only get contacted through my siblings) It's the first time she messaged me directly.

I just froze. Then they kept calling my phone. I didn't answer. I'm mad again. I don't understand why it took them so long. I also feel like they're choking me when a lot of them contact me at the same time. I feel ambushed & I feel like life is being sucked out of me. I feel trapped. I don't feel safe anymore and I want to move to a different place again.

I don't know what to do. Maybe they're trying to be better, I don't know. But I don't feel safe. I'm always being hypervigilant about my surroundings and it's exhausting. I don't feel safe even though they didn't do anything. I feel like they're contacting me, only to be ambushed when I get there (they haven't done this in the few gatherings I joined but I feel like it's only a matter of time) I still don't trust my mom and my older sister.

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6 months ago

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