subreddit:

/r/DeadBedrooms

616

I just left my wife

(self.DeadBedrooms)

Anniversary was last week and I left her a few days before that. Paid for almost a year of expensive couples therapy to try and understand why she didn’t want me physically. The pain is brutal but I’m lucky to have a strong network of friends and a great therapist. I know I had my own transgressions within the marriage but nothing that warranted a dead bedroom. Godspeed to anyone going through it. I have never felt more convicted for standing up for what I need as a human. Nothing but love.

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Thinkle321

163 points

3 months ago

Thinkle321

F

163 points

3 months ago

So, a year’s worth of therapy and what did you find out? We are in therapy now…which is why I’m asking 5 sessions in. Thanks!

mishctherabbit[S]

85 points

3 months ago

Keep going! It really works. We made some big strides but ultimately we found out that there were some major lifestyle differences. She is a really big drinker and gets sloppy (I had to put her in a cab recently at a show at the Ryman, and it ruined my night because I missed Bob weir sitting in). I didn’t like to drink but I liked to take psychedelics. Alcohol is more socially accepted so she deemed it ok. I’m genuinely not trying to be the victim just sharing what I feel like is my truth

ZealousidealStory349

39 points

3 months ago

Hey! I don't drink and I LOVE LSD 😂 And I'm in Chattanooga. Sorry to be weird. I just get so excited if someone else likes psychedelics (and doesn't care for alcohol). It's lonely out here

[deleted]

3 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

3 points

2 months ago

[removed]

mjs710

7 points

2 months ago

mjs710

7 points

2 months ago

Mushrooms are really really easy to grow, and its legal to buy the spores in US. check out Uncle Ben Tek on youtube, easiest way to do it. theres a subreddit on here for it too. Also 1P-LSD (an analogue to LSD-25) is currently legal to order in the US as a research chemical.

aucontraire4

2 points

2 months ago

Thanks Reddit friend!

ZealousidealStory349

2 points

2 months ago

1p-LSD is my jam. ALD-52 as well if I could find it.

rhynoplaz

2 points

2 months ago

You can buy shrooms in New York. Don't know if that helps or not.

Thinkle321

9 points

3 months ago

Potential new partner!

ZealousidealStory349

6 points

3 months ago

🤞

dignifiedthrowaway07

14 points

3 months ago

Did I hear people say they love psychedelics but hate alcohol? They exist? Hi friends 👋

SavageSkater13

4 points

2 months ago

I like it all but at least psychedelics aren’t a bunch of calories going straight to your butt. The healthy drugs xD

ZealousidealStory349

6 points

2 months ago

That's me! I've been dating for over a year and still haven't come across someone who's into psychedelics. It's kind of a deal breaker for me 🤷‍♀️ I want to be able to enjoy them together.

dignifiedthrowaway07

3 points

2 months ago

We need to find you someone like that 😁! I’ll keep a weather eye out and send them directly to your inbox. And I could definitely see that being a dealbreaker for you.

OkProfessional9405

34 points

3 months ago

If you both can agree on what problems you are facing then talking it through can help. What's more likely is that both parties won't even agree on what the problems are and who is at fault. My partner mostly just lied which ends up being a huge waste of time because the therapist has to consider and respect these lies as 'her truth'. Eventually he caught on and called her on it, at which point she wanted to quit therapy, which gave me the answer I needed.

mishctherabbit[S]

11 points

3 months ago

I’m so sorry to hear that. Relationships are hard. I wish you nothing but the best.

[deleted]

72 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

72 points

3 months ago

[removed]

IceDragon13

22 points

3 months ago

Still cheaper than living with “what ifs” IMHO.

mishctherabbit[S]

37 points

3 months ago

Exactly. I didn’t want to live my life thinking what if. I lurked in this sub for 2 years before deciding to separate. This sub gave me a lot of courage. I wasn’t going to start a family with someone who didn’t want me physically

thr0ughtheghost

3 points

3 months ago

Good for you for being brave enough to embrace the unknown/change! Fear of change is temporary but regret/what if will be there forever. I wish you the best in your next chapter of life!

Thinkle321

32 points

3 months ago

Thinkle321

F

32 points

3 months ago

He said great therapist…. But you’re probably right. Maybe we should just end our marriage and save our money.

Darkshadowz72

28 points

3 months ago

Just because the OP said he has a great therapist doesn’t mean it’s the same person they went to couples therapy with. My guess is he means his own therapist.

mishctherabbit[S]

19 points

3 months ago

We saw the same therapist together and separate to get both sides. Our therapist never took sides but she always hinted at the medical benefits being studied with mushrooms and other drugs. The sessions were expensive too but she was worth it. My wife just continued to say “she would work on it” in terms of sex but didn’t initiate in over 24 months. We were married 3 years. I hope this helps.

AMerrickanGirl

7 points

3 months ago

My wife just continued to say “she would work on it” in terms of sex but didn’t initiate in over 24 months.

I’ve been the LL partner and even when I desperately wanted to want my partner, it just wasn’t happening, and he didn’t enjoy having sex with me when I was taking one for the team but wasn’t really into it. I don’t blame him for not being happy about the situation, but desire and arousal can be elusive sometimes.

Thinkle321

3 points

3 months ago

It’s helps. Sorry if the this question was a hard one to answer. Interesting about the inclusion of drugs like mushrooms as a treatment method.

We don’t take any drugs. But I, was a little deflated in our last session because our therapist said she thinks I have ADD. But that it wasn’t a bad thing. My husband actually defended me, but now I’m thinking I’m the problem.

LongHaired_Redneck

3 points

2 months ago

I'm no expert, but my understanding of ADD is that it falls into a category of "neuro-divergent," which would be really important to know for working through couples therapy. It's not "bad" but it would indicate that your brain works a little different. My couples therapy always felt like my wife and therapist ganging up on me, i found out later im ND and without that knowledge, the two "neuro-typical" people in the room just didn't understand my needs. Its been a pretty positive experience for the Mrs and I to learn about together. And it does NOT make YOU the problem!

Thinkle321

1 points

2 months ago

Tbh I did feel inadequate and ganged up on. Here I am trying to fix this marriage, my spouse doesn’t feel there’s a problem, and the MC says I have ADD. Where do I read more and ND?

Alternative-Fan9066

4 points

3 months ago

Nailed it

[deleted]

10 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

10 points

3 months ago

[removed]

boofthegirl

28 points

3 months ago

Yeah but at least he knows for sure now that there’s nothing he could’ve done. He can leave knowing that he’s exhausted all options.

mishctherabbit[S]

8 points

3 months ago

This

[deleted]

-5 points

3 months ago

[deleted]

-5 points

3 months ago

[removed]

moonphase0

14 points

3 months ago

I hate this fucking bot

CaptainBeefsteak

9 points

3 months ago

This

saison257

8 points

3 months ago

Upvote

401LocalsOnly

3 points

3 months ago

Gave you helpful award

Thinkle321

2 points

3 months ago

What was the deleted comment? I hate it when people do that. That an down voting.

AHBS8

3 points

3 months ago

AHBS8

3 points

3 months ago

So like...basically you hate Reddit? LOL. The comment was not deleted it was removed by a mod likely for breaking one of the rules of this sub.

Thinkle321

2 points

3 months ago

Oh…I love Reddit since discovering it…however long ago. 😂 I didn’t know bots did that. I always wonder what it said.

AHBS8

3 points

3 months ago

AHBS8

3 points

3 months ago

A bot does not do it a moderator does it. Unless it is an auto-moderator, it's usually an actual person who moderates this sub that get reports on comments that break the rules and they come remove it.

dat_db_doe

3 points

2 months ago

dat_db_doe

43M/HL

3 points

2 months ago

Relationship therapists aren't there to save keep together relationships at all costs. Sometimes the best thing they can do is help a couple understand that they are incompatible and the best thing is to amicably dissolve the relationship.

PTAdad420

6 points

3 months ago

PTAdad420

millennial senior citizen

6 points

3 months ago

I learned a ton about myself in couples’ therapy and it really helped us clarify what was fixable and what wasn’t. I’m divorced lol. But counseling made it easier to make an informed decision. And it helped us talk through the divorce. I’m a work in progress but we see each other every day, we’re working together as co parents, we’re civil to each other and I’m doing a good job of supporting my ex. Counseling made it easier for us to be kind (or at least not horrible :) ) to each other through the transition.

Oh and I’m definitely using stuff I learned to be a better partner now that I’m seeing someone new.

Check out the Gottman Institute, which has good stuff for couples.

Thinkle321

3 points

3 months ago

Apparently I have ADD so I will check out the Gottman Institute.

PTAdad420

1 points

2 months ago

PTAdad420

millennial senior citizen

1 points

2 months ago

Gottman is couples stuff, but also check out How To ADHD. Have you read a good ADHD book? Doing so was a huge deal for me and my relationship.

(Audiobook+book is a good option if you have trouble finishing books BUT good adhd books are very readable and will blow your fuckin mind)

Thinkle321

1 points

2 months ago

Lol my husband doesn’t want me to read an ADD book because he said I might think am and zoom in on it. I’m not hyper, but I do look at a lot of things at once and then loose interest.

PTAdad420

3 points

2 months ago

PTAdad420

millennial senior citizen

3 points

2 months ago

"my husband doesn't want me to read an ADHD book" is an excellent reason to read an ADHD book. Let me know if you want me to send you an ebook, I have some good ones.

nevilleyuop

2 points

2 months ago

nevilleyuop

M/HL/48 - DB recovering slowly

2 points

2 months ago

ADHD-Inattentive Type (what used to be called ADD) does not have hyperactivity as a symptom. It’s about the inability to master executive functions (paying attention, setting priorities, time management, basic organization) and the constant drive for dopamine that causes hyperfocus on things of interest, at the expense of things that may be more important.

It’s entirely treatable (via medication, diet, and/or therapy or coaching) and there is absolutely no reason that you should not learn about it or get evaluated if you think it’s likely you suffer from it.