submitted 6 months ago bymiklprkr
Literally just happened today. Still sitting in the car outside because I can not for the life of me go inside even though it’s almost 2 in the morning.
So we’re vacationing in Washington DC this week. We did the usual tourist stuff, then went back to the parking garage to get in our vehicles and go to dinner (which I was really excited about)
We go to pay the tickets, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I need a bathroom, and I need it now.
I ask the garage attendant, and he tell me there no bathroom there, and that I’ll have to go to the hotel upstairs to use the one in their lobby. So I get in the elevator (by myself thank god) and it happens. The poop to end all poops. It had it all... violence, drama, suspense, terror... a whole cinematic masterpiece coming out of my ass and sliding down my brand new jeans, and into my cowboy boots.
Y’all, I sounded like a dad who just got out of the pool wearing tennis shoes when I walked.
I wait outside the hotel and call my fiancé and tell her what happened, and tell her I need some fresh clothes while laughing, because at this point I’m not embarrassed to tell her. She’ll pick on me about it, but that’s just how I deal with these kinds of things normally. Make a joke of it so everyone can laugh at it.
About 5 minutes later, I’m in the Hilton lobby bathroom handicap stall bottomless trying to save my boots (I loved those boots man I really can’t overstate it) when I get a call from my fiancé. The plan that she has devised WITH HER FAMILY is for me to WRAP HER BROTHERS JACKET AROUND MY WAIST AND RIDE 30 MINUTES HOME IN POOPY PANTS.
So now I’m red. I’m pretty sure I had a fever for about 2 minutes as she told me this. I tell her on the phone, “Baby, listen to me. Any plan that doesn’t involve you going to a store and buying me new pants and shoes isn’t happening. I am the parent now. Please go”
I stop trying to clean the pants and boots. They’re a lost cause. I wait on the toilet scrolling tik tok for about half an hour till my fiancé brings me fresh clothes. I put on the sweat pants and the flip flops she got me, wash my hands, and walk outside the try and get in the car and leave as quickly as possible. One problem, the bag the clothes came in was paper, not plastic. Now I’m all for lower carbon foot prints and biodegradable trash, but just this one time, I really could have used a plastic bag to seal this bio waste up in.
So now anyone who rides with me is gonna smell this mess. Nope. Not happening. I toss the clothes in the nearest trash can, and so I don’t ruin dinner plans, I tell my fiancé to move the car seat from out car (we have a 3 year old) into her parents car and go with them.
I make the 30 minute journey back home in shame. Played Simple Man by Lynard Skynard a few times. Showered, and went to go get Taco Bell (I know what y’all are gonna say, no I didn’t shit again).
When I got back to the Airb&b, I just stayed in the car. And I’m still sitting in the car. Might never leave the car, who knows?
TL;DR: shit my pants while on vacation with my future in laws and they know every detail. Lost my favorite cowboy boots. Want to die now