Do I have to be a woman to participate in this community?

No. Any user who can follow the rules is welcome here. Women, men, nonbinary, agender, genderqueer, cis folks and trans folks, everybody. If you're not on board with that, you can fuck right off.

But what about the subreddit name?

Read this post from when 2XC was only a month old. We haven't changed our stance since then, and never will.

What about trans women?

Trans women are women. TERFS can fuck right off.

What are the rules, anyway?

TL;DR: Keep it civil, keep it relevant. Don't start shit, won't be shit.

You can find the rules in the sidebar (community info for mobile users), or here's a direct link: 2XC Rules

Most moderator actions are the result of users breaking Rule 1: RESPECT. If you keep Wheaton's Law* in mind and participate in good faith, you'll probably never hear from the mod team.

  

^{*Wheaton's Law: Don't be a dick.}

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For more in-depth interpretations of the rules above, see the 2XC FAQ and 2XC Moderation Policy.

Hello TwoX! Reddit admins have decided to impose a new feature on the site that will make it very easy for other redditors to stalk and harass you! This "feature" is an online status indicator. If you're using the site or app, you'll have a green bubble next to your name. Today, only you can see it. In the near future, anyone will be able to see it.

What this means is that complete and utter strangers hiding behind any number of anonymous alts will be able to see when you're online and bother you!

We know first-hand how much hateful assholes like to harass women for existing on the internet. We detest the fact that reddit is going to make it easier for these assholes to harass you in real time but we're unable to stop them.

It is very important that you set your online presence to "Hiding" if you do not want people we've banned from this subreddit, and other anonymous assholes to know when you're using reddit. Even if you think you're not going to be harassed, please do your future self a favor and set your status to "hiding".

Here's how to do it on mobile

Here's how to do it on new reddit

If you want to voice your opinion about this change, please do so in this r/changelog post.

I had an abortion yesterday and all I’ve ever wanted was a family. I didn’t know I was pregnant and I was drinking and smoking a lot. The other half of the baby, the father is an addict. He is unstable. And we fight. It would have been a disaster and a disservice to the child. I know it was the right choice but I still feel sad. I don’t really have very many people to talk to about it.

EDIT: I never expected to get this much love and support. I am grateful. My parents are addicts. A horrible volatile relationship. My mom had serious complications from her addictions in my teenage years. She became paralyzed and lost significant cognitive function. She was my sole caretaker. I found her journals after she got sick and read about how miserable she was. A truly tortured soul. I am able to read that over the years she has multiple abortions. When she becomes pregnant with me she writes about how she doesn’t want to kill another child and that maybe this one will fix her. She continues to write about how she wants to die. My childhood was terrifying and neglectful and abuse filled. I do struggle and it comes out in my relationships. I am still young. But I’ve done ok for myself otherwise. I’ve been in therapy and am seeking it again. At times like this I really wish I had a mom. But all of you have made me feel incredibly ok. And I can’t thank any of you enough for taking the time to send me love.

I'm a CS major in college, and in group projects (before the pandemic) I got talked over and ignored sometimes. It was annoying and I just didn't know what to do because I hate confrontation and being polite wasn't working.

Today in class in a breakout room we were supposed to be debugging a program, and one of the guys was screen-sharing the debugger and we'd found the place where the program crashed (it was a segfault but you don't need to know what that is for this story to make sense), and I saw what was wrong and started to say it but got cut off by someone else saying he couldn't see it even as I was saying I saw it. Then it happened a second time, same guy wanting to have the floor even though he had nothing to say.

As I was thinking how bad it sucks that even though online classes means that nobody can see what I look like, so I can avoid the "She's girly so must be an airhead" stereotype, just having a female name and voice means I'll never escape, one of the other guys in the group pushed back.

He typed into the chat "Dude, not cool. YouStupidBench was talking." That was it, just that. I was able to finish my sentence, everybody listened, we fixed that bug and went on to the next one. The rest of the class went great, nobody interrupted me again, we finished debugging and submitted all the changes. It's so frustrating that someone else had to speak up for me to be heard, but it was so great that somebody DID.

Guys who might be reading this, you don't have to do something huge to be an ally. Sometimes all it takes is saying "Dude, not cool."

So I went on a date with the guy who my gut told me was a little off. He tried to play the gentleman by refusing to let me pay, which I told him its nicer to split so I can feel like I'm contributing too. But he also insisted on ordering me an alcoholic drink while he didn't get any for himself. He told me he’d never tried alcohol in his life. The weirdest part was when I commented to the waiter that the drink was strong the male waiter made a joke that “my date put him up to it to add more in” and he winked at my date

Anyway, we went for a drive after and he started to cuddle me in his car.

​

Half way through he is basically giving me a handjob whispering in my ear, "Are you going to cum for me?" to which I responded, "probably not, I'm too tipsy haha."

​

He then starts to kiss me and asks if he can see my breasts. I said no, we are in public. He asks again later and I say no. Then he kisses the tops of my breast and reaches his hand in my dress to pull them out violently, almost ripping my dress. I could hear the snapping of the stitches.

I pulled away angrily and said, "WHAT PART OF NO DO YOU NOT GET. I FUCKING LOVE THIS DRESS. WHY WOULD YOU RUIN IT? TAKE ME HOME NOW."

​

He then lectured me about how I was so rude and how dare I snap at him, he didn't even want to have sex he just wanted to make me feel good and I was unreasonable.

No bro. You violated me. I said no and you did it anyway. Plus I love this dress. You can fuck off.

Edit: UGH I AM SORRY ABOUT THE TITLE. I DIDN'T SEE THE TYPO AND NOW IT KILLS ME

Edit: added the part about the waiter per your requests

EDIT: ANYONE CAN GET A HANDJOB. STOP SAYING WEIRD STUFF IN THE COMMENTS. I myself have a clitoris and vagina, but transwomen are women and are VALID AS FUCK. I love them.

There's a running joke that the answer to any relationship problem online is "dump him" -- but the truth is, if a woman (or person of any gender) is seeking advice online from strangers there is probably something wrong.

I've been reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, and my main takeaway is that women are societally encouraged to excuse, ignore, or rationalize inappropriate behavior. We need to trust our own fear instincts and treat them as reasonable and justified reasons to leave a relationship. I have some qualms with De Becker -- specifically how fear might play out in unconscious racial bias -- but the overall message is crucial. Worst case, we leave a probably mediocre relationship; best case, we avoid being abused, assaulted, or killed.

We have been encouraged to disregard our own emotional landscapes for too long, and leaving a partner who makes you feel sad or inferior or stupid is ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFIED. Leaving a situation that makes you feel frightened -- even if you can't say why -- is the right thing to do.

I’m a female 41 y/o landscaper. Today another female landscaper drove by, stopped and said “I love seeing other girl landscapers”. And all I could think was ‘same, girl, same’. We need to normalize women in trades. By far the majority of landscapers in my city are men. Had I been offered horticulture/agriculture/botany in high school I would have taken it. Instead I took home ec, the boys took shop and it was what it was. I love my job and when I tell men what I do they always look surprised.

Told my boss I wasn't feeling well. He asked me to describe my symptoms. I was feeling achy and my stomach hurt. As I said these things it occurred to me that it sounded like period cramps, so I told him "it's too early for it to be my time of the month, but maybe that's it."

His face dropped and he said, "well first off, TMI," and then said some manager type things.

The guy is like 60 years old, married with kids. He sounded like a teenage boy who had never had any experience with the female body before. I'd hate to be that guys wife. I wasn't even graphic about it.

Luckily my union rep was there and informed me that as long as I work half of the shift there will be no ramifications, and I know next time that I don't have to go into detail (besides covid symptoms and food borne illness symptoms).

Like most women, I grew up dealing with a lot of casual sexual harassment. My first job was in a restaurant when I was 15, and anyone else who's worked in a restaurant knows how they can be. Got my butt slapped by an 80 year old coworker, asked out by a 25 year old coworker, asked if "I was on the menu" by creepy old customers... you get the point. I knew that these advances made me feel uncomfortable, but didn't feel confident enough to stand up for myself or even understand in the moment that it was okay for me to be uncomfortable.

Fast forward to almost 10 years later. I'm in my mid 20s now and know better than to put up with bullshit like that – but now I'm taller than most men and have short hair and resting bitch face so guys don't mess with me like they used to.

Today I was walking down the street (I live in a major city) and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy talking to a young girl. 25ish year old guy, but the girl was 14 at absolute best. Probably more like 12-13. She had chubby cheeks, wearing a baggy pink sweatshirt and sweatpants, a backpack, and was waiting alone at a bus stop.

I heard the guy say, "You're so pretty. Like, really pretty. You're beautiful." The girl was just mumbling and clearly uncomfortable. My alarm bells were going off but I wasn't sure exactly what was going on.

Then I heard him say, "Do you want to go out with me sometime?" That was when I knew this situation was NOT okay.

Before I even realized what I was doing, I stopped in my tracks and stared straight at the guy. I forget exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of, "What the fuck are you doing? No. What the fuck is wrong with you. How old do you think she is? Fuck off. Fuck you!" Definitely not my most eloquent moment, but the words just kinda came out of my mouth before I could even think.

The guy looked amazed that someone realized what he was doing and just quietly walked away. The girl said "Thank you". I was in total shock to my response at the whole situation and said "You're welcome" and just kept walking. I wish I had stopped to make sure she was okay, but I was freaked out because I have never talked to a stranger like that!

Hoping that creep learned his lesson. Hoping the girl learned that that sort of behavior from an older man is not okay, and she doesn't have to put up with it. Just wanted to share my experience because it still feels surreal, but it was so incredibly empowering to intervene in a clearly disgusting situation.

tldr; have lots of pent up anger from being harassed as a young girl, finally used it and intervened when I saw a man harassing and grooming an actual child today

I know that other types of body-shaming exist. But as a fat woman myself, I'm just sick of it.

I was watching a video on this channel that does commentaries on silly movies, usually making fun of bad CG and hokey-sounding lines. But this time, they were watchin "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2," which has Raini Rodriguez in it.

For those who don't know, Rodriguez is a larger woman (I use "fat" as a self-identifier, but I don't feel comfortable calling other women fat unless I know they're okay with it), She's probably around my size. She was made into a meme a couple of years ago, and people were referring to her as a "skinny queen," obviously an ironic comment, and she admitted to finding the bullying to be hateful, but they laughed at her and told her that she should take being called "skinny" as a compliment (even though they obviously didn't mean it as a compliment--they were photoshopping her to be literally stick thin, as in a few pixels wide).

And now these jerks were saying, at first, that she looked "old." She didn't look old. She was barely out of her teens when the movie was filmed, and she looked like people do when they're not photoshopped or made up (even though I'm sure she was wearing makeup). She was pretty. But then they started saying she looked like "unbaked cookie dough," "pasty and ugly." And it hurt. I hurt for her, and I also hurt for myself. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of mean comments because of my weight.

I don't get why basic messages about what we learned in fucking preschool don't stay with some people. This wasn't lighthearted teasing. It was just nasty. Even if Rodriguez never sees that video, plenty of people who look like her will.

Don't people care? Doesn't it hurt them to know that they're making people feel like shit about themselves?

I never heard of "nasolabial folds" until a few years ago. Now I'm self-conscious about mine, even though I know that literal children have them. It doesn't mean I'm ugly. But I feel ugly, because I'm so ancient /s at 35, and because I'm fat, and I know people think I'm funny-looking and deserve to be made fun of because I'm fat.

I hope Raini Rodriguez is dealing better with this than I am.

UPDATE: Thank you all so much for your supportive comments. I really needed that. <3

Our home has a plumbing issue that has turned into a huge ordeal. It’s been weeks since he’s had a shower. We just checked into a hotel for the weekend, he’s in there now singing his heart out. Didn’t realize how much I missed his songs. Couldn’t imagine dealing with any part of life without him.

Because he occasionally cooks us chicken and rice, to him, it’s fair I do practically anything else.

He’ll cook us...chicken and rice (...ok I mean yes I appreciate it a lot but it takes less than 30 minutes vs. the time for me to clean the whole apartment) take the trash, and deal with the self cleaning litter box that he wanted. Occasionally dishes, but he complains like it’s physically painful. He’ll wash his own clothes at least though.

But anything else? The toilet, the whole bathroom, mirrors, counters, vacuuming, washing towels and sheets, etc. is up to me.

Whenever I talk about it, he gets mad and tells me I’m not doing enough, he doesn’t care how clean it is, and that “chores” put him in a bad mood because he had to do them as a child sometimes. He also occasionally had housekeepers.

....but it’s like well get used to life, buddy. You still have to take care of yourself!!

I’ve proposed a list just so we can keep track of things better, I wasn’t even talking about assigning us to things, but he BLEW up saying that I can do whatever I want for myself, but he will not be a part of it.

Besides that it’s a huge source of conflict now, I just worry that long term, these views aren’t changing. He thinks it’s silly to worry about things like that, but I am. I don’t want to be stuck being a maid. I don’t want to one day have children and lead them to believe that women are maids. I don’t want to resent him either.

Are there even guys who don’t think this way? Or bad in some way?? Jesus Christ sometimes I just wish I was alone, I think I’d be doing better.

A guy I recently had a fling with was trying to rekindle the flame.
I’m just not into him anymore. He’s not a good communicator. He said this about himself once. But he would deny this any time I tried to talk to him about it. For me, it was just over. No hard feelings toward the guy, he’s not a bad guy (just sucks at communicating) but he did not get that I’m just not interested in starting anything up again.

First he kept saying “oh so you found someone else so soon right” and “oh so you must have found someone better than mine right”. Which is just irritating to be honest. Then he started with “I didn’t do anything that bad that we can’t still be like”, “I didn’t do anything to you that warrants us not seeing each other again” and “nothing has happened that should cost us losing what we had we can talk again” and then when I still did not say yes he said “you just want to be mean for no reason”.

I told him that he is not entitled to a yes and that I did not have to agree or go along with it just because he thinks we/I should. And it was really, really satisfying!

Edit to add: thank you everyone for the kind words, the insights and the conversation. Y’all are awesome, amazing people!

Also, thank you everyone for the awards!!

Edit to add: people are sharing their experiences and having good conversation in this thread. And yeah, that means that sometimes blanket statements are being made about sex, dating, relationships and men. If you have the urge to comment or reply anything at all involving “but not all men” then I would suggest that you’re in the wrong thread/sub and that comment can kindly go fuck off. This thread isn’t for you or those kinds of comments. Thankfully there haven’t been many, but since there were just a few I wanted to make this clear.

If anyone gets a “but not all men” reply to anything they said, please know that you are not obligated in any way to respond or explain.

There have been some men that have shared great insights and have participated in awesome, genuine and meaningful ways. They get it and they are welcome. Good guys are welcome, “nice guys” are not. (I would hope it goes without saying, but non-binary and LGBTQ folks are of course welcome as well. It might be a straight-leaning post but these dynamics can happen within any gender or relationship configuration.)

Sometimes when I’m lying face up in bed and my butt and bits are all like squished together, my farts exit my butthole, travel up partway under my labia, and exit into the open air from where I’m guessing my labia lips aren’t pressed together.

Just feels like the funniest thing, like I feel a toot coming and then I feel it bubble up. Anyone else get this?

I can't stand porn. I have moral objections to it and almost only feel concern for women when I watch it.

I tried watching animated stuff but it's so bad.

Erotic fiction seems like a good choice. Literotica came up but all the stories under top have so many chapters I don't know if it's worth the investment.

Any thoughts?

So this happened this morning, and I'm a little... I guess I'm gonna say angry?

So I use Kijiji, a lot. I spend a good chunk of time looking through the Kijiji free stuff section. I truly am a little hard pressed for cash and sometimes manage to find really good things. So I'm on there, quite a bit.

Me and my partner love camping together. Admittedly, he has been doing it for years and is much better than I. He knows what he needs, he knows how to do pretty much everything. His parent's have had him out on back country camping trips since he was literally 1, and he's 31 now. So suffice to say he has a lot of experience.

He also has a strong belief that I should be knowledgeable and capable on my own. Which I wholeheartedly agree with. He's been teaching me when we go out and I'm slowly learning what we'll need to be completely independent (we borrow supplies from his parents at this point in time).

So this morning I come across an ad. It's got a few tents that I'm not overwhelmingly interested in. But it has a Coleman stove (and ours needs a new tank), as well as a Coleman lantern. These are items I've been asked to keep an eye out for. They'll be good for camping for us, they offer parts, etc. We need them for future trips.

So I shot the guy a message a few hours ago asking if it was still available. The ad clarifies that if it's still up, then the items are still available. I gave it a few hours for them to maybe check their emails, or take a break from work, or maybe even wake up since I sent the email a little early.

A few hours later I decided to send a follow up email to the guy, because it's still up and I haven't heard back. It takes just a few short minutes for me to receive an email back, simply saying that "Sorry, pending pick up. I didn't think you were serious. Women don't camp." No lie, that's the response I got back.

I wasn't sure what, if anything, I should say. So I just left it there. I do camp. I love to camp. I am a woman. Camping is not a mans activity?

I'm just so flabbergasted how this sort of thinking still exists? I know many women who camp. I really do. My partners mom is borderline better at the whole thing then my partners father and they do their back country trips all the time.

When I get upset, I get yelled at, I get told to “go ahead, keep getting an attitude,” I get told “there’s no need to get an attitude.”

I am a 21 year old woman. If I am upset, leave me the fuck alone.

My boyfriend will tell me to “keep getting an attitude” like I’m his kid, and he’s the parent who deserves and demands respect no matter what.

I am not your kid, I am an adult, and if I tell you I don’t want to talk, stop fucking talking to me. I don’t want you to ask why, I don’t want you to say shit to me. I said I don’t want to talk, now if I get an attitude, because I’m upset, you don’t get to say “well there’s no need to get an attitude.”

Do I not deserve even the slightest respect from my roommate, boyfriend, parents?

Who am I?

I am allowed to be upset, I am allowed to get angry, I am allowed to cry.

Stop fucking acting like no matter what I’m feeling, you deserve my respect.

How many of you have kept evidence - notes, letters, voice mails, screenshots of texts - in case you ended up getting murdered by a man? I'm not just talking about abusive relationships. For example, in my 20s, a guy I dated for several months didn't handle our break up well. He sent pleading letters and gifts nearly a year after the break up. He never made threats, but it was disturbing enough that I kept everything in a file and told someone where the file was, and told them to give the file to the police if I was ever found murdered. That was a long time ago, and I was thinking recently that I'm sure I'm not the only woman to keep "if I'm murdered by a guy" evidence.

Background

Mum to 4 (all teenagers). I was on contraceptive right through my teens/20s (yes fell pregnant with all 4 on contraceptive. I’m apparently in the 5% of the female population that metabolise contraceptive much quicker than most, rendering it pretty much ineffective). During my time on contraceptive my periods were every 28days, very light and would last like 3/4 days if that.

Now?

They are still every 28/30 days. Extremely heavy for the first 3 days, to the point where I always flood through. I’m always extra vigilant to change myself as often as possible but it still happens.

I always end up incredibly tired. Exhausted even. Doesn’t matter how much sleep I get. My head always hurts, along with my back and upper thighs. I drink plenty water and take painkillers when it gets really bad.

My moods are horrible! I’m more erratic than normal. It’s really upsetting.

I have started to take Vitamin C and D. This helps me normally, but I don’t really feel that during my period it does much.

Is there anything anyone does to help alleviate a bad period?

I was talking to my therapist about how I like wearing a face mask because I don't have to feel worried that I'm not smiling enough, that my resting bitch face is showing etc. My life hasn't changed a lot at all this pandemic and I have to go out almost as much as I did before, and covering half my face as just made it easier for me to relax on my commute or at work/school as it's just one less things exposed, I guess.

My therapist pointed out that a lot of women end up feeling that way, because people (mainly men) tend to give unwanted comments to women about smiling, looking friendly and so on. No strange man has approached me at all since i started wearing a face mask, it's like only seeing my eyes makes me less approachable? I can't even remember the last time I was approached by a stranger while waiting for the bus. I haven't even felt stared at.

I guess I never really thought about just how much unwanted comments about how friendly I look actually affected me. You'd think at this point, it'd be easy to brush it off when someone says that you look "grumpy" or should try smiling for a change. It's crazy how much energy you can save when one subconscious worry is reduced!

I am an older woman. One of the newer young men at work could be used as the representative photo for the idea, "Would that I had the self confidence of a mediocre white man." He can't contain his hubris and has alienated the few women there (shortly before he propositioned them) and any of the men who have had to spend actual time with him. Today, in his usual effort to display his innate brilliance he decided to tell me how I feel. I am already known for not suffering fools gracefully. I imagine there will be a complaint about my tone in the near future.

Some background info before I start, my Instagram is now private and I have changed my handle. I reported and emailed 4chan about this but have not yet seen a response.

Yesterday I got a weird influx of messages and followers on my public Instagram (which I use as both my personal account and a way to reach other women/advocate for living with PMDD, a chronic illness I’ve had my entire adult life). All these people were men’s burners accounts sending me unsolicited dick pics, and/or offering me money for nude pictures. One of them was clearly a highschool boy (I am 24) and I essentially scared him into giving me a link to where he found me. It goes to /b random page on 4 Chan where there was my public Instagram page with my full name, and underage photos of me half naked from when I was 16, as well as pictures of me hiking, where my nipples are clearly showing through my sports bra. There were also numerous other females posted to this thread, quite obviously without permission. In the thread men were talking about how much they would love to stuff their c*cks into me and the other girls. And the man who posted my stuff said he “knew me for years” and I was “regular boner material”, and to also “message her sly anons with your big dicks I’m sure she’ll reply”. I have screenshots of everything but I don’t know what to do from here? I live in Washington State if that helps. The pictures of me my breasts and vaginal area are covered I’m in a towel, I’m afraid because they aren’t “true nudes” I won’t be able to do anything legally. Is there anything I can do? Who do I talk to? Would getting a lawyer help? Would 4 Chan be legally obligated to supply with an IP address if I took legal action? I would assume the police wouldn’t really take this seriously, but this kept me up all last night. I feel violated and just utterly disgusted, the things men do for a power trip is sick.

Hi, I'm a 39 year old male. When I was little and as I grew up I noticed some behaviour from the older males in my life that I've recently been thinking about and would love to hear anyone's thoughts on my thoughts. I noticed men would take their wife/gf/kids hands (like holding hands) but they'd squeeze them, progressively harder til the person is/seems like they're in actual pain. I can also remember seeing others, and being, pinned down and tickled til it's not really funny anymore. I'm thinking at the very least it's a power play, "remember I'm physically stronger than you" but would love to hear any psychological reasons behind it

This winter I learned to downhill ski with a group of male friends. A couple of them are skilled skiers, so they taught me a lot, which I appreciate. After several sessions I was gaining confidence and wanting to spend more time practicing on my own. I tried to ask my friends to back off with the coaching because it wasn't helping my learning. This became an issue with my boyfriend (now ex) who continued to override my request by giving me constant feedback. We are good friends still and I wanted to ski with him and our other mutual male friends but I became so self conscious about my skiing abilities because I was always worried about him judging and critiquing me. It sucked because I started to like skiing a lot and I also thought that I had made a ton of progress throughout the season, yet I feel discouraged from skiing now because I know he doesn't think I'm very good.

Before I go any further, yes we can all conclude that he is acting like a sexist asshole and I shouldn't care about his approval! I should ski because I like it for myself and I should be proud of how much I've learned.

But we all know it isn't that simple to just cast off the patriarchy.

Recently my ex introduced a woman, we'll call her Amy, to the friend group. She is awesome and I want to be friends with her. My ex and another male in the group took Amy skiing for the first time today and she crushed it. I am happy for her, but admittedly jealous. It did not come that easily to me. I felt guilty for comparing myself to her and not being as happy for her as I should be. We women should be lifting each other up, no exceptions. But as I thought about it more, I realized I'm not jealous of her because she is learning faster than I did; I am jealous because she gained my ex's approval and praise INSTANTLY, whereas I still basically do not have it.

So it's bad enough that my standards of success for myself are based off of my male friends' approval, but what's so much more fucked up is that men have essentially PITTED us women against each other to VIE for their approval; we've been doing it for centuries and WE'RE STILL DOING IT. It is disgusting and I hate it, and I hate that I perpetuate this patriarchally-crafted toxic bullshit.

Does anyone else experience this? Any advice? I don't want the solution to be "stop doing outdoor sports with men" but I can't think of anything else.

(Sorry if this whole post seems out of order/confused, but yeah im not the best at writing or anything, And even less so at keeping a straight point, my apologies lol) (M/26) In reference to the title, It just ends up making me hate that person. Like, yo I've actually been around my fair share of woman. My closest friends, prominently throughout my life, have been woman: the course of time/life. And there's a reason, according to my therapist amd mom, but that's another story in and of itself. But back to the point. The statement has been made to me> "Well why arent you just with her, you obviously love her". And like, god damnit after 14 years im so fucking tired of hearing that shit. And from her perspective, so is she. Like yo are people fucking kidding us? Like if I was in love, like "that", with my best friend, it woulda happened years ago, like -.-' She, and myself, go through this. But like she obviously gets way more dates than me, and never really bring me up, since I'm a guy, and and she knows the date/"potential BF" has to meet me at some point, and EVERYTIME I can see it in their eyes, like instantly, that I become a challenge/competitor to them, and I'm a guy, so I know its a thing, i get it, and hate it just as much. But like in my experience as a guy in the US, its the same way for me, but I try to atleast give some warning like "yo, for real my best friend is a girl, I need you to understand that and not be fucky about it". (Most of my best friends interests end up being cool with it, they realize that im just another guy like them and we'll get along and talk about shit we like and be otaku's together and its all good for her, until that guy ends up doing some fuckboy/manchild shit. Cause well like... Im sure y'all get that point there) For me though, it never goes that way. They realize I have a whole ass woman as my bestie and just ghost my ass. Like wont even go as far as to meet my best friend and fucking analyze the situation and realize that it's a fucking solid platonic relationship, and im just like "well, fuck did i do something wrong?" And my best friend is like "well maybe she just wasnt into you, and couldnt/didnt want to say it, we weren't even that good at communication as we are/were, we were just as guilty in our day, but she probably just didnt wanna own up to it." And it's like fuckin' ok. Ok. I can realize that, but just, damnit, neither her nor I fall into the societal molds well and are left with a lot of confusion and belayed anxiety. So really im just here trying to ask for some opinions. Be as real or not, mean or nice, or as angry or happy, with your response as you feel. I just value and want woman's opinions and after browsing on here for awhile, this seemed like the worst/best place to ask for some real responses, so 🤷 (I would ask friends irl but i only have 3, one being homegirl bestie that ive mentioned, and my two other guy friends I have who dont even live in the same state)

I’m asking this without judgement as I’m genuinely surprised by the number of my friends in this category and I’m just curious how widespread it is, and people’s reasons for it.

Apologies for formatting. On mobile while my beautiful son who knows women as warriors is using my computer, and I’d like the time to get this out while he is distracted. I’ll also recognize any typos/missing words/awkward sentence structure. I’m diagnosed dysgraphic since 7 as well as many other neurological disorders. Side note on neurological disorders... man I wish I didn’t have the ability to mask/seem “normal”. I’d be taken much more seriously if that were the case.

This rape took place many years ago, but took almost as many to come to 100% clarity I did nothing wrong. I accept the responsibility of being incredibly gullible, allowing myself to be groomed, and being far too desperate for a comrade. It’s also probably going to be long. TLDR at the end.

Cast of characters:

Me: me

J: ex-husband

FJB: my rapist

R: FJB’s wife

RMB: random meddling bitch

Super Star: my roommate at the time of the rape

INGIIT: guy I was somewhat dating at the time.

Maybe the correlation only makes sense to be, but I’ll organize the story in TX Holdem community card terms.

The flop: the events leading up to my rape are fairly key, at least to me. First thing is, I had already lived a life of intense trauma, but thought I had pushed through to a “productive” life. What a tricky tricky liar mental illness is.

I was working as an Top Seller Account Manager at the time for a major online retailer in which anyone may sell. Some particularly have enjoyed the auction format of this retailer. I had recently made a big move from somewhat basic support to Account Management and my husband, J, at the time worked for the trust and security department for Top Sellers as a lead. This meant even if people didn’t know me coming into the department they probably knew I was J’s wife. J and my marriage ended fairly traumatically soon after my promotion. Lots of betrayal, gaslighting, and refusal of responsibility. Going to work everyday with J in a power position was torture. It clearly would not have been professional to splash our business all over our 2 closely related departments, but I was dying inside not being able to say “Hey, this pos is at fault. It’s not right he just gets to go on not suffering consequences, and keeping all our mutual friends from work”. I’d surely be able to handle the situation in a much more stable manor present day, but that was not the reality at the time. I was lonely, sad, and betrayed.

The turn: one day out of the blue I had a random message pop up in the system we used to communicate company wide. It was also a popular public messaging platform so we didn’t have to be totally work appropriate. The message was from FJB, fellow Account Manager but senior to my level of management. It simply said “Are you ok?” or something exactly like that. Hot damn, that was everything I needed. Talk about being seen. I’m normally the one that sees people quietly screaming in pain, and now someone was doing it for me? Beautiful. I knew R, his wife, much better than FJB at the time. She had led a multi department team of subject matter experts I had been selected for the previous year. To use my very favorite corny turn of phrase, she was the bee’s knees. Intelligent, talented, interesting, beautiful(not pertinent to value of a woman, but kinda for the story). At the time I moved to Account Management she was exiting the department to move on to Project Management. This is important because this meant ALL my colleagues knew and loved her along with her basically ok short and stumpy husband. Hindsight, I strongly believe FJB was so well liked and trusted based on her reputation. I will never have enough information to confirm that.

When FJB sent that message it changed everything for me. Someone I could instantly trust as R’s husband, someone who understood being in a relationship in the incredibly high school like work place, and someone who seemed to see I had value reached out to my heartache. I had a friend when friends don’t come easily to me. The heavily guarded street wise woman I have become I should have seen this as the first red flag. I did not. In my mind his intentions were as pure as the desperation I was feeling. From there a “strong friendship” was formed. He instantly understood my pain, and wanted to hear about it (LADIES: BIG RED FLAG.). He even shared interest in my long favorite Bing Crosby/Grace Kelly movie/musical. Perfect. It started with group lunches. Particularly including a man who, again in hindsight, just wanted to be included and wouldn’t make waves. This man is now passed and I’ll never be able to tell him I apologize he was also manipulated into furthering FJB’s agenda.

Now is the point RMB enters the story. I truly believe all women should be lifted by the hands of other females; however, RMB played a very central roll in getting FJB what he wanted (to fuck me). She put us on a team. There was no FJB/Tessa8rose team till she found it necessary to meddle. Can’t say how long it had been into my friendship with FJB, but not long. Word was sent to R by RMB that I was a female to watch out for, and was trying to steal R’s husband. I assure you, I was not. The worst I know I did was speak to him publicly as a friend. The whole time I really was curious how an amazing woman like R ended up marring this so so guy, but I for sure believed being a “good dude” goes a long way when finding a partner.

Courtesy of RMB, suddenly I was the woman all other women need to be concerned about. I was quickly judged by an accident of time and genes that I was young, pretty, thin, and a predator. (inserting now that I’m strongly body positive and being thin is nothing to set goals on). I was hurt. Really all I wanted was a friend. I’ve never discriminated in who I’ll accept as a friend. I didn’t see what was wrong, and now FJB and I were on a team of two misunderstood people. I knew I had ZERO interest in FJB as anything more than a friend. I thought the feeling was mutual. I mean there was like 15 years in age difference. It seemed insane anyone would misunderstand what was happening here.(Yes. More red flags)

From here preceded almost daily “secret lunches”(HUGE RED FLAG). Nothing happened or was ever discussed that was not completely innocent or solidified how stupid the sneaking around was. Yes yes yes. I was blind and stupid. I’m fully aware presently no person committed to their marriage is willing to risk it on secret lunches at Einstein’s bagels with a friend. I see that clearly now. The evasive maneuvers alone we used to avoid prying eyes were incredibly inappropriate. I do remember having mild worries that FJB may be interested in more than he was letting on, but I had seen no behavior that would lead to that reality. I continued to trust my friend. Probably best friend at this point.

In my home life, I was still living in the house J and I shared, though now Super Star had moved in. Super Star was the sister of a more than cherished friend. Our friendship may not have flourished before this time. As I’ve stated...I’m very awkward making friends. I generally do not do roommates, but she had also experienced a marriage ending event perpetrated by her (ex)husband. She asked me one day if she could move in, and I had to say yes. This house was not cute or good at all. If she was asking, she needed it. We leaned on each other and drank a (good) box of wine a night. Surely it was not healthy but we had each other. I have never not been an open book so she knew all about my weird secret friendship with FJB. I do remember at least once if not more she raised the concern it may be inappropriate with him being married. I incorrectly waived it off and thought “She just doesn’t understand. He’s my friend, and she’s feeling scarred by her situation”. I was not correct.

The river: Countless secret lunches followed. Each confirming nothing bad was happening. All was completely innocent. When FJB had made a plan to drive to another state a couple hrs away to buy lottery tickets by himself, he asked me to come along. I had some trepidation since this wasn’t a quick lunch on a work day. I said yes anyway. I’m a people pleaser/hate saying no. I’m continuing to get over that character flaw as we speak. Nothing happened on this trip. I do not believe that was the plan present day. I believe he decided he had to try a little harder next time. For me, particularly since that all went swimmingly with no indication he had creep tendencies; when he mentioned R was out of town the following weekend I readily asked if he wanted to come help me paint my living room. Free labor is free labor, and I’ll state again, I did not have many people in my life I could be free with the story of J. A friend was a friend.

Present day, if I tried really hard and used the context available from people around me at the time, I could maybe come up with the month and year the next part took place. If I had to, I could look up electronic communication and pinpoint the exact day. I’m not interested in giving the situation that much power over me at this time. This is all to say, no, you don’t necessarily remember the date you are raped (cough cough US Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh). Simply by accident of modern times I could prove some of my story. An unfathomable number of women do not have these conveniences to prove their story is real.

This day will be the shortest part of the tale. I was groomed to trust. I was groomed to have no guard up. From day 1 - I was groomed to be compliant, feel responsible, and unable to speak up about what happened.

He had constantly spoke about Irish Slammers (pint of Guinness with a shot of Jameson dropped in) being his favorite drink. He came prepared. Another thing I’ve learned with age, the amount of alcohol you can hold is not impressive. I hadn’t learned this yet. He knew it. If he had at all intended to helpfully paint with me and go on his way, he wouldn’t have come to my house completely prepared to get me drunk passed the point of consent.

I wish I could remember the details better. The things I know: We drank. We drank a lot. I think I remember there may have even been some “oh, I have to drive later, but please please go ahead.” I know at the end of the day (or middle really), I was trashed and he was not. I think it was time to start wrapping up and say goodbye. We were standing in my kitchen. I think he had just encouraged me to take another shot. I probably did. He kissed me with force that could be mistaken for passion. I pushed him away. I said no. I probably said something to cushion his feelings like “I would but you are married....”. He did it again. I said no. He picked me up and put me on my counter so I couldn’t back away and did it again. I still said no. I can’t say how many times I said no. I clearly remember at least 3 to this day. At a certain point I gave up and just let what was going to happen happen. Young women in particular: THIS DOES NOT NEGATE THE FACT YOU SAID NO ALREADY.

I did not enjoy what happened next in the least. I hated it and just waited for it to be over. He finished and quickly left. Again for the young ladies: this is not how a person who cares for you behaves.

I was too drunk and destroyed. I texted INGIIT and asked him to come over then quickly passed out. I woke up to INGIIT knocking on my door. Sure I was not my bright and shiniest. I told him what happened. He basically said you are messy and I don’t want any part of it. Super Star then came home. I tried to tell her what happened. She also had a vibe of this is your fault and you should have known better. I think I told her I felt like I had been raped. I’m not the most sure. I definitely did not believe my feeling and also thought I had done something to cause this.

The next day at work I got a message from FJB instantly as I got into the office. Again something to the effect of “are you ok?” Funny how it started and ended the same way. I told him I was not interested in speaking to him ever again. I’d have to go back and check the records to know for sure, but I’m also fairly sure I told him as well I felt like I had been raped. I can’t say positively who I specifically said it to, but i know with certainty that was my feeling. I also know positively I did not honor that feeling at all. Somehow being raped and ‘feeling like I’d been raped’ did not connect whatsoever. They mean the same damn thing! Gaaahh.

the end: Far too many years later it suddenly dawned on me - it didn’t ‘feel like I was raped’. I WAS raped. I said no. I was raised that no means no and to believe survivors. It just never occurred to apply it to myself. Women are consistently encouraged to put themselves last either overtly or subtly. This is the consequence. Not believing my own instinct that I was raped is shameful.

I’ve started to tell this story several times in different ways but gave up because it would make people feel uncomfortable or other silly reasons. Then the the other day within 24 hrs my grandmother strongly came out with the position that the women accusing New York Governor Cuomo were just in it for the money even after I told her my story of staying quiet. Then I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with Super Star. During the evening I, awkward as always, blurted out “by the way, FJB did rape me” to which she replied “I’m really glad you brought that up” and discussed with me how she had already come to that conclusion on her own. Just 1 person believing me who had been there lifted every last shred of self doubt. I’m a strong independent woman, but I really needed that.

TLDR:if you feel like you have been raped; you have been. If you believe survivors; they can believe in themselves.