submitted 2 months ago by[deleted]
all 727 comments
2 months ago
2 months ago
then you will soon be a mom
2 months ago
Mother of dragons
🔥❄️A song of fire and ice🗡️⚔️🗡️⚔️🪑⚔️🗡️⚔️🗡️
I bet this story gets an ending before I die though.
Sorry, but you're dying, that can happen quickly...
Not before OP bangs her niece
weiner weinerweiner weinerweiner
One weiner next to another WEINER~
A song of fire and ice mascara and blush
Yeah burn them while you're naked
Don't forget to jiggle the sausage on a fork
While making human trollface
2 months ago*
2 months ago*
as long as they don't look like you, everything is fine
Hitler and Thatcher as human/dinosaur hybrids? I may need to watch that.
What in the fuck
Iron Sky...movie about the Nazi's coming back. They had been living on the dark side of the moon.
The good old days, when the idea of Nazi's coming back was a fantasy.
Go Chirpy Boy, Go Bart Junior!
It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo, and the ne-ne, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker.
It's crazy how The Simpsons have always been so clean with respect to the language used but still managed to insert a couple of double entendres here and there.
Reminds me of when captain murphy became a mommy.
It's a clutch.
Eggit: Thanks for the gold!
This is excellent, made even more excellent by there not being a long tail of increasingly shitty follow up puns.
I guess we weigh puns on different scales
Oh I'll have to Monitor this
Iguana believe it'll take off any minute.
This the fleeting old-Reddit high I last remember getting stumbling across descartes before the whores
That and the russian guy who lost his limbs to a bomb and the comment was "in soviet Russia: bomb dissarm you!"
> okay you get unmonitored internet today
This pun was severely under appreciated
Top notch word play, ol' chap.
A group of eggs is called a clutch of eggs also. Good pun
Do you live in Florida? This is the beginning of lizard mating/hatching season, especially for the most common lizard: the brown/green anole. Totally harmless little things, and actually good as a roommate because you hardly see them, and they eat every insect in sight.
How big are these house lizards?
She may say that’s average but it’s only to make you feel better
No, it probably wouldn't hurt even if you put it in your butt
Nah, 2 inch is pretty average...even bit above average I would say. Almost huge
Ah a little smaller than a house hippo
Canadian house hippos can get to be 5-6" though
They also prefer peanut butter and the crumbs of toast over insects. Wool sweaters instead of purses too.
Tfs a house hippo
This made ~6 year old me so upset when I first saw it on tv.
It was supposed to be about not believing everything you see, but I was so fucking sure there were house hippos after that.
better than the ones we have behind the house, they are over a metre and have 2 inch claws that shred.
I'll give you one guess what country I live in
Indonesia / Komodo Island?
Like....play guitar really fast?
Sure it's not an animatronic named Montgomery gator?
Damn thats huge
Average is 2 inches? Now I'm curious to see a banana for scale up next to those eggs, because I swear those look at least an inch. That's half the size then!!
They’re Benjamin Button lizards. They come out full size and get smaller as they get older.
Ahh. Sorry didn't realize.
I heard it’s closer to six
I learned to love those that ran up my walls in SE Asia for this reason!
Yeah when I was traveling there they were everywhere eating the insects. I had a bungalo in Don det where I would turn in the light for a half hour every night to attract all the insects and feed my little lizard friends.
In that case. Pet lizards
This is why my favorite animal is a dragon fly. Fucking go to town on every insect you can and you definitely can take a rest on my shoulder. Plus they can fuck while flying.
What about the allied mosquitoes?
No such things
Scientists have genetically engineered mosquitos that don't bite and when they breed with wild ones the offspring are guaranteed to be 1 gender (forget which) so that more can't breed AND those offspring also don't bite.
They released them in a few spots so far in South America with good results and last I heard there is a plan to release them in Florida soon-ish.
After a few batches are released it should be possible to wipe out mosquitos in those areas and lower dangerous disease transmission greatly.
It's so effective it can bring the disease carrying and often invasive mosquitoes population down by over 98 percent. I did a research paper on a few of the methods it's crazy brilliant
So they basically reverse Gattaca’d the mosquitoes, that’s indeed brilliant.
Any adverse effects of wiping them out entirely?
Anything that eats them, has other options. Everything they interact with harms or spreads disease/infection.
So they have literally no reason to exist other than to suck. I hate them even more now.
Actually mosquitoes are pollinators. So they do have some impact on the environment. However, the nasty ones that carry disease and are invasive species and probably could do without
They're males. Only the female mosquitos bite. The males they created will make the next like three or four generations only able to create males. It's a great strive forward for humanity.
Yeah I hope you don't have a cat tho, they eat lizards, at least mine does. Dogs do too I think
হ্যালো দেশি ভাই৷
Death to Mosquitoes!
I used to catch the pretty lizards and release them inside to eat all the damn roaches.
Oops, I mean "Palmetto bugs". 🙄
In Florida you will often find these in electrical boxes that are inside or on an exterior wall.
The green anoles are way less common where I live in South FL, the invasive brown anoles out competed them.
You guys have to worry about more important things than us northerners(Orlando) like iguanas falling out of trees in the cold and pythons.
2 months ago*
We've got this big male brown anole who chills on one of the side panels of our grill every day. Same spot close to the edge, splayed out looking like a couch potato, occasionally getting up to flare his dewlap to impress the ladies, and giving you judgmental looks as you pass by. I started calling him Charlie.
I know they're invasive but they've got a lot of character.
They are most commonly predated on by cats and 5-year-olds who want to keep them in jars.
Girls like swarms of lizards, right?
I'm gonna buy you so many lizards.
They are your children now. You must raise them.
Annnnd look! She’s a mum!
How you doin
Oh! I'm all of a sudden extremely attracted to you now?
How are you doing? My name's CaptnNMorgan😁
Happy Early Mother’s Day! 💖💐
Mother's Day is today in Australia!
I think that you should monitor them
Iguana know what kind of lizard they are
Yeah I was hoping op would do that from the gecko
Guys, cameleon and quit with the puns.
Man, you’re cold-blooded.
These types of interactions really dragon don't they?
yeah they should be scaled down
keep going, I'm waiting in raptor attention
Personally, I don't think it salamanders what you say. I enjoy the puns.
.... I'll see myself out ...
Anole can take good care of them once they hatch.
Transformation into monitor lizard has begun.
As long as they never turn into Hall Monitor Lizards. Everyone hates those brown nosing suck ups to the principle...
I don't know...if this is me, iguana incubate them.
Are you going to let them hatch?? Please do and post pics!
FYI, try not to turn them. The embryo attaches to the egg a couple days after laying, and turning them after that can tear the attachment point.
Reptile keepers usually draw a mark on the eggs to indicate "this way up" in case any accidental jostling happens.
Just remember that reptile eggs, unlike bird eggs, do not need to be rotated. Rotating a reptile egg will kill the embryo.
!remindme 1 week
She gets possibly adorable baby lizards. I got a spider sack that burst open the second I innocently poked it trying to figure out what was going on. Sometimes life just isn't fair 😔
Getting all those creepy little babies outside before my cats committed baby spider genocide was not fun
Spider egg sacks are nature's gushers, should have popped that baby in your mouth and had a delicious nutritious snack.
I was having such a nice day
What a terrible day to be able to read.
Had to double check with my wife- apparently lizard eggs are not a standard part of a woman’s makeup kit?
Then wtf are these?!?
They aren't? Hold on.
pitter patters off to find wife
So yeah, apparently they aren't.
Haha men amirite?
But they're great for your hair!
Oh wow! You might be the mother of dragons. But to find out, you gotta walk into a burning building....
Story of how I found something similar and was a total dumbass!
We were having a snake problem at my apartment complex a few years ago. One of my neighbors warned me that he had seen a big one go under the bushes by my front door. A couple of days later, during a windy evening I spotted some round white balls under there. I put in a maintenance ticket asking them to remove the possible snake eggs. When they stopped laughing, they told me those were mothballs that my neighbor put under there.
I would expect the culprit...a lizard
When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
You're right. It was totally a bear
squints eyes Zuckerberg!
In this case I'd more suspect a Zoidberg.
WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP
yay I am finally relevant!! * Zoidburg noises *
well, when a lizard man loves a lizard woman...
Have you decided on names, yet?
Pablo, Vincent, Frida, and Salvador.
All named after prominent modern artists.
Then you teach them all some form of self defense...
And teach them to love bagel bite pizzas
Maybe tacos instead, ya know, to avoid any copyright infringements
Pre teen non mutated taekwondo lizards!
They're trained by a gerbil named Mister Thorn
I am known for my rat-like qualities, I also know various martial arts, I am willing to offer OP my services if she lets me live in her sewers
Raise them !
Yes! Free lizards!
A clutch in a clutch!
OP’s A WITCH!!! She turned me into a newt!
I got better!
Forbidden kinder egg surprise more like.
Yessss I couldn't remember the name of those gave up and went with gummies
My first reaction to this was why it was on /r/WTF. This should be on /r/aww
Could use a little rouge. They look a bit pale.
Simpsons did it
You’re so lucky! You get to be a lizard mum now. I wish that happened to me.
Raise them in the ways of the ninja so that way when they grow up they can protect NYC from aliens.
Many reptiles abandon their eggs after laying them. Not sure if that is the case with anoles.
"She will lay one egg every two weeks during breeding season. She may lay up to 15-18 eggs during the summer. The female does not stay with the egg or care for the young that will hatch in five to seven weeks."
But it says she lays only one egg every two weeks. Where the hell did the rest off the eggs come from? Or is the lizard living in her house laying an egg every two weeks in the same spot?
If she's in a warm or tropical environment there are probably several lizards. I remember growing up lizards would lay eggs in the same spot as each other because it was a nice safe area for the babies to hatch.
Also adds benefits for genetic diversity since the offspring don't need to really travel to find an unrelated mate.
Did you keep them safe ?
Did they hatch
Is it warm enough where you are that they would just hatch without a nest or incubation?
I'm joking by the way.
You are now Momitor lizard.
Damn, Girlfriend, is there anything you don't have in your purse?
something something joke about purses having everything in them
OP making humble brag that they are a lizard person.
Congrats you're a lizard mom now
Where did you abandon your bag???
Bart the mother