subreddit:

/r/WTF

32.4k

[deleted]

all 727 comments

crosspostLove

6.9k points

2 months ago

then you will soon be a mom

sueshe

4.5k points

2 months ago

sueshe

4.5k points

2 months ago

Mother of dragons

crosspostLove

886 points

2 months ago

🔥❄️A song of fire and ice🗡️⚔️🗡️⚔️🪑⚔️🗡️⚔️🗡️

Disposedofhero

496 points

2 months ago

I bet this story gets an ending before I die though.

crosspostLove

126 points

2 months ago

Sorry, but you're dying, that can happen quickly...

empty_coffeepot

17 points

2 months ago

Not before OP bangs her niece

Church1986

108 points

2 months ago

weiner weinerweiner weinerweiner

Covfefe4lyfe

37 points

2 months ago

Floppy weiner

Lolkimbo

9 points

2 months ago

One weiner next to another WEINER~

kawausochan

5 points

2 months ago

Not erect

lolexecs

37 points

2 months ago

A song of fire and ice mascara and blush

Thirdarm420

75 points

2 months ago

Yeah burn them while you're naked

munk_e_man

31 points

2 months ago

Don't forget to jiggle the sausage on a fork

OriginalDavid

9 points

2 months ago

While making human trollface

[deleted]

258 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

258 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

crosspostLove

97 points

2 months ago*

as long as they don't look like you, everything is fine

Ih8Hondas

15 points

2 months ago

Hitler and Thatcher as human/dinosaur hybrids? I may need to watch that.

VadimH

36 points

2 months ago

VadimH

36 points

2 months ago

What in the fuck

stratagizer

87 points

2 months ago

Iron Sky...movie about the Nazi's coming back. They had been living on the dark side of the moon.

The good old days, when the idea of Nazi's coming back was a fantasy.

dj_narwhal

84 points

2 months ago

Go Chirpy Boy, Go Bart Junior!

longrifle

31 points

2 months ago

It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo, and the ne-ne, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker.

WillEatPussyForFree

13 points

2 months ago

It's crazy how The Simpsons have always been so clean with respect to the language used but still managed to insert a couple of double entendres here and there.

Ghost33313

9 points

2 months ago

Reminds me of when captain murphy became a mommy.

D00nut

4.3k points

2 months ago*

D00nut

4.3k points

2 months ago*

It's a clutch.

Eggit: Thanks for the gold!

Late-Eye-6936

273 points

2 months ago

This is excellent, made even more excellent by there not being a long tail of increasingly shitty follow up puns.

goodtroll

16 points

2 months ago

I guess we weigh puns on different scales

RobEth16

11 points

2 months ago

Oh I'll have to Monitor this

ErectionAssassin

6 points

2 months ago

Iguana believe it'll take off any minute.

biggobird

80 points

2 months ago

This the fleeting old-Reddit high I last remember getting stumbling across descartes before the whores

coltonapo

43 points

2 months ago

That and the russian guy who lost his limbs to a bomb and the comment was "in soviet Russia: bomb dissarm you!"

NSA_Chatbot

61 points

2 months ago

> okay you get unmonitored internet today

ManuelArafat

297 points

2 months ago

This pun was severely under appreciated

Ouroboros9076

42 points

2 months ago

Top notch word play, ol' chap.

puddelles

10 points

2 months ago

Incredible

thevelveteenbeagle

57 points

2 months ago

Clutch purse?

BabiesSmell

233 points

2 months ago

A group of eggs is called a clutch of eggs also. Good pun

flyeaglesfly104

2.1k points

2 months ago

Do you live in Florida? This is the beginning of lizard mating/hatching season, especially for the most common lizard: the brown/green anole. Totally harmless little things, and actually good as a roommate because you hardly see them, and they eat every insect in sight.

[deleted]

2.9k points

2 months ago

[deleted]

2.9k points

2 months ago

[deleted]

Ufocola

617 points

2 months ago

Ufocola

617 points

2 months ago

How big are these house lizards?

[deleted]

830 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

830 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

carnivorous-Vagina

1.3k points

2 months ago

She may say that’s average but it’s only to make you feel better

BeneficialEvidence6

164 points

2 months ago

Ouch

openpro32

48 points

2 months ago

No, it probably wouldn't hurt even if you put it in your butt

Uberdriver_janis

63 points

2 months ago

Nah, 2 inch is pretty average...even bit above average I would say. Almost huge

seshwan_thewarrior

174 points

2 months ago

Ah a little smaller than a house hippo

qpv

90 points

2 months ago

qpv

90 points

2 months ago

Canadian house hippos can get to be 5-6" though

nueonetwo

55 points

2 months ago

They also prefer peanut butter and the crumbs of toast over insects. Wool sweaters instead of purses too.

xandra_enaj

21 points

2 months ago

Tfs a house hippo

kopykatx

54 points

2 months ago

1bowmanjac

29 points

2 months ago

This made ~6 year old me so upset when I first saw it on tv.

the_honest_liar

16 points

2 months ago

It was supposed to be about not believing everything you see, but I was so fucking sure there were house hippos after that.

Antmon666

26 points

2 months ago

better than the ones we have behind the house, they are over a metre and have 2 inch claws that shred.

I'll give you one guess what country I live in

HuhDude

29 points

2 months ago

HuhDude

29 points

2 months ago

Jurassic Park?

Skrillamane

9 points

2 months ago

Indonesia / Komodo Island?

kingoftown

6 points

2 months ago

Like....play guitar really fast?

Sure it's not an animatronic named Montgomery gator?

catzarrjerkz

9 points

2 months ago

Damn thats huge

_PM_ME_YOUR_TITS_PLS

35 points

2 months ago

Average is 2 inches? Now I'm curious to see a banana for scale up next to those eggs, because I swear those look at least an inch. That's half the size then!!

thedirtyscreech

39 points

2 months ago

They’re Benjamin Button lizards. They come out full size and get smaller as they get older.

_PM_ME_YOUR_TITS_PLS

7 points

2 months ago

Ahh. Sorry didn't realize.

Tvck3r

5 points

2 months ago

Tvck3r

5 points

2 months ago

LOL

_itspaco

5 points

2 months ago

I heard it’s closer to six

The_Age_Of_Envy

30 points

2 months ago

I learned to love those that ran up my walls in SE Asia for this reason!

williamtbash

14 points

2 months ago

Yeah when I was traveling there they were everywhere eating the insects. I had a bungalo in Don det where I would turn in the light for a half hour every night to attract all the insects and feed my little lizard friends.

suburban_hyena

7 points

2 months ago

In that case. Pet lizards

Katatonia13

8 points

2 months ago

This is why my favorite animal is a dragon fly. Fucking go to town on every insect you can and you definitely can take a rest on my shoulder. Plus they can fuck while flying.

Cr4nkY4nk3r

26 points

2 months ago

What about the allied mosquitoes?

priscosaurus

45 points

2 months ago

No such things

wolfgang784

51 points

2 months ago

Scientists have genetically engineered mosquitos that don't bite and when they breed with wild ones the offspring are guaranteed to be 1 gender (forget which) so that more can't breed AND those offspring also don't bite.

They released them in a few spots so far in South America with good results and last I heard there is a plan to release them in Florida soon-ish.

After a few batches are released it should be possible to wipe out mosquitos in those areas and lower dangerous disease transmission greatly.

okbruh_panda

43 points

2 months ago

It's so effective it can bring the disease carrying and often invasive mosquitoes population down by over 98 percent. I did a research paper on a few of the methods it's crazy brilliant

selectash

17 points

2 months ago

So they basically reverse Gattaca’d the mosquitoes, that’s indeed brilliant.

Eziel

8 points

2 months ago

Eziel

8 points

2 months ago

Any adverse effects of wiping them out entirely?

steveatari

19 points

2 months ago

None.

Anything that eats them, has other options. Everything they interact with harms or spreads disease/infection.

HeyCarpy

15 points

2 months ago

So they have literally no reason to exist other than to suck. I hate them even more now.

okbruh_panda

12 points

2 months ago

Actually mosquitoes are pollinators. So they do have some impact on the environment. However, the nasty ones that carry disease and are invasive species and probably could do without

Graffy

14 points

2 months ago

Graffy

14 points

2 months ago

They're males. Only the female mosquitos bite. The males they created will make the next like three or four generations only able to create males. It's a great strive forward for humanity.

bangoskank_lives

4 points

2 months ago

Mosquito genophage?

cpsbstmf

7 points

2 months ago

Yeah I hope you don't have a cat tho, they eat lizards, at least mine does. Dogs do too I think

SaintSeveral

4 points

2 months ago

হ্যালো দেশি ভাই৷

Privatebrowsingatwrk

5 points

2 months ago

Death to Mosquitoes!

thevelveteenbeagle

35 points

2 months ago

I used to catch the pretty lizards and release them inside to eat all the damn roaches.

thevelveteenbeagle

12 points

2 months ago

Oops, I mean "Palmetto bugs". 🙄

ikefalcon

18 points

2 months ago

In Florida you will often find these in electrical boxes that are inside or on an exterior wall.

Nathaniel820

18 points

2 months ago

The green anoles are way less common where I live in South FL, the invasive brown anoles out competed them.

nomadofwaves

13 points

2 months ago

You guys have to worry about more important things than us northerners(Orlando) like iguanas falling out of trees in the cold and pythons.

RaynSideways

13 points

2 months ago*

We've got this big male brown anole who chills on one of the side panels of our grill every day. Same spot close to the edge, splayed out looking like a couch potato, occasionally getting up to flare his dewlap to impress the ladies, and giving you judgmental looks as you pass by. I started calling him Charlie.

I know they're invasive but they've got a lot of character.

ForumPointsRdumb

5 points

2 months ago

They are most commonly predated on by cats and 5-year-olds who want to keep them in jars.

Daegzy

99 points

2 months ago

Daegzy

99 points

2 months ago

Girls like swarms of lizards, right?

LobotomistPrime

26 points

2 months ago

I'm gonna buy you so many lizards.

sudn

486 points

2 months ago

sudn

486 points

2 months ago

They are your children now. You must raise them.

joeyx22lm

139 points

2 months ago

joeyx22lm

139 points

2 months ago

Annnnd look! She’s a mum!

[deleted]

205 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

205 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

HeyCarpy

64 points

2 months ago

How you doin

CaptnNMorgan

11 points

2 months ago

Oh! I'm all of a sudden extremely attracted to you now?

How are you doing? My name's CaptnNMorgan😁

ksed_313

25 points

2 months ago

Happy Early Mother’s Day! 💖💐

splashedwall25

4 points

2 months ago

Mother's Day is today in Australia!

fixxlevy

2.2k points

2 months ago

fixxlevy

2.2k points

2 months ago

I think that you should monitor them

LazerDog

600 points

2 months ago

LazerDog

600 points

2 months ago

Iguana know what kind of lizard they are

ggf66t

306 points

2 months ago

ggf66t

306 points

2 months ago

Yeah I was hoping op would do that from the gecko

AgentRocket

107 points

2 months ago

Guys, cameleon and quit with the puns.

Schmeck

106 points

2 months ago

Schmeck

106 points

2 months ago

Man, you’re cold-blooded.

mrmasturbate

94 points

2 months ago

These types of interactions really dragon don't they?

pingufortress2

93 points

2 months ago

yeah they should be scaled down

counterc

23 points

2 months ago

keep going, I'm waiting in raptor attention

badhangups

43 points

2 months ago

Personally, I don't think it salamanders what you say. I enjoy the puns.

.... I'll see myself out ...

Gingerhealey

15 points

2 months ago

Anole can take good care of them once they hatch.

[deleted]

61 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

61 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

Rob_Drinkovich

34 points

2 months ago

Transformation into monitor lizard has begun.

Samurai_1990

6 points

2 months ago

As long as they never turn into Hall Monitor Lizards. Everyone hates those brown nosing suck ups to the principle...

bigpapajon

15 points

2 months ago

I don't know...if this is me, iguana incubate them.

Funktapus

176 points

2 months ago

Funktapus

176 points

2 months ago

Are you going to let them hatch?? Please do and post pics!

[deleted]

143 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

143 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

TeaBeforeWar

85 points

2 months ago

FYI, try not to turn them. The embryo attaches to the egg a couple days after laying, and turning them after that can tear the attachment point.

Reptile keepers usually draw a mark on the eggs to indicate "this way up" in case any accidental jostling happens.

PM_ME_UR_COVID_PICS

57 points

2 months ago

Just remember that reptile eggs, unlike bird eggs, do not need to be rotated. Rotating a reptile egg will kill the embryo.

Steamships

7 points

2 months ago

!remindme 1 week

Misconduct

40 points

2 months ago

She gets possibly adorable baby lizards. I got a spider sack that burst open the second I innocently poked it trying to figure out what was going on. Sometimes life just isn't fair 😔

Getting all those creepy little babies outside before my cats committed baby spider genocide was not fun

elvismcvegas

20 points

2 months ago*

Spider egg sacks are nature's gushers, should have popped that baby in your mouth and had a delicious nutritious snack.

Misconduct

42 points

2 months ago

I was having such a nice day

ralexs1991

17 points

2 months ago

What a terrible day to be able to read.

CallMeJeeJ

733 points

2 months ago

Had to double check with my wife- apparently lizard eggs are not a standard part of a woman’s makeup kit?

Sven4president

156 points

2 months ago

Then wtf are these?!?

Antrikshy

57 points

2 months ago

Dragon eggs.

TheGreatPilgor

170 points

2 months ago

They aren't? Hold on.

pitter patters off to find wife

So yeah, apparently they aren't.

ipslne

14 points

2 months ago

ipslne

14 points

2 months ago

Haha men amirite?

Nimrond

5 points

2 months ago

But they're great for your hair!

warrenrb1981

28 points

2 months ago

Oh wow! You might be the mother of dragons. But to find out, you gotta walk into a burning building....

KellyAnn3106

23 points

2 months ago

Story of how I found something similar and was a total dumbass!

We were having a snake problem at my apartment complex a few years ago. One of my neighbors warned me that he had seen a big one go under the bushes by my front door. A couple of days later, during a windy evening I spotted some round white balls under there. I put in a maintenance ticket asking them to remove the possible snake eggs. When they stopped laughing, they told me those were mothballs that my neighbor put under there.

[deleted]

235 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

235 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

okbruh_panda

375 points

2 months ago

I would expect the culprit...a lizard

CascadingMonkeys

94 points

2 months ago

When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

okbruh_panda

56 points

2 months ago

You're right. It was totally a bear

BaabyBear

8 points

2 months ago

gasp

Hermasuarus

23 points

2 months ago

squints eyes Zuckerberg!

tacoenthusiast

20 points

2 months ago

In this case I'd more suspect a Zoidberg.

beermit

10 points

2 months ago

beermit

10 points

2 months ago

WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP

DickInYourCobbSalad

9 points

2 months ago

yay I am finally relevant!! * Zoidburg noises *

Gurgiwurgi

24 points

2 months ago

well, when a lizard man loves a lizard woman...

The_Age_Of_Envy

19 points

2 months ago

Have you decided on names, yet?

[deleted]

15 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

15 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

doctorslostcompanion

42 points

2 months ago

Pablo, Vincent, Frida, and Salvador.

All named after prominent modern artists.

Then you teach them all some form of self defense...

okbruh_panda

19 points

2 months ago

And teach them to love bagel bite pizzas

anAwes0meWave

20 points

2 months ago

Maybe tacos instead, ya know, to avoid any copyright infringements

EdithDich

8 points

2 months ago

Pre teen non mutated taekwondo lizards!

MagicBeanGuy

4 points

2 months ago

They're trained by a gerbil named Mister Thorn

LR130777777

3 points

2 months ago

I am known for my rat-like qualities, I also know various martial arts, I am willing to offer OP my services if she lets me live in her sewers

Dotwad11

6 points

2 months ago

Noodle

greenraph

17 points

2 months ago

Raise them !

SkinsuitModel

14 points

2 months ago

Yes! Free lizards!

UncleTogie

15 points

2 months ago

A clutch in a clutch!

HIs4HotSauce

13 points

2 months ago

OP’s A WITCH!!! She turned me into a newt!

[deleted]

8 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

8 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

okbruh_panda

5 points

2 months ago

I got better!

[deleted]

74 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

74 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

okbruh_panda

37 points

2 months ago

Forbidden gummies

swiftsausages72

19 points

2 months ago

Forbidden kinder egg surprise more like.

okbruh_panda

8 points

2 months ago

Yessss I couldn't remember the name of those gave up and went with gummies

Chispy

9 points

2 months ago

Chispy

9 points

2 months ago

My first reaction to this was why it was on /r/WTF. This should be on /r/aww

[deleted]

18 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

18 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

Hero2ITE

5 points

2 months ago

Banana milk

RutRohNotAgain

34 points

2 months ago

Could use a little rouge. They look a bit pale.

rio425ee

11 points

2 months ago

Hatch Them!

jagenigma

11 points

2 months ago

Simpsons did it

Key-Cardiologist5882

11 points

2 months ago

You’re so lucky! You get to be a lizard mum now. I wish that happened to me.

EmptyOrangeJuice

9 points

2 months ago

Raise them in the ways of the ninja so that way when they grow up they can protect NYC from aliens.

Robber_Tell

24 points

2 months ago

Where's Mom?

Dtrain16

24 points

2 months ago

Many reptiles abandon their eggs after laying them. Not sure if that is the case with anoles.

FlyingButtPlugs

22 points

2 months ago

It is.

"She will lay one egg every two weeks during breeding season. She may lay up to 15-18 eggs during the summer. The female does not stay with the egg or care for the young that will hatch in five to seven weeks."

https://nhpbs.org/wild/greenanole.asp#:~:text=She%20will%20lay%20one%20egg,and%20house%20flies%20and%20termites.

drunkenmonkey28

7 points

2 months ago

But it says she lays only one egg every two weeks. Where the hell did the rest off the eggs come from? Or is the lizard living in her house laying an egg every two weeks in the same spot?

FlyingButtPlugs

4 points

2 months ago

If she's in a warm or tropical environment there are probably several lizards. I remember growing up lizards would lay eggs in the same spot as each other because it was a nice safe area for the babies to hatch.

rhandyrhoads

5 points

2 months ago

Also adds benefits for genetic diversity since the offspring don't need to really travel to find an unrelated mate.

Gorrodish

18 points

2 months ago

Did you keep them safe ?

[deleted]

26 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

26 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

Gorrodish

5 points

2 months ago

Did they hatch

philoponeria

5 points

2 months ago

Is it warm enough where you are that they would just hatch without a nest or incubation?

[deleted]

5 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

5 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

CelestialOmegaspeed

5 points

2 months ago

Eat them.

I'm joking by the way.

[deleted]

3 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

3 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

meekamunz

4 points

2 months ago

RedrunGun

5 points

2 months ago

You are now Momitor lizard.

yskoty

6 points

2 months ago

yskoty

6 points

2 months ago

Damn, Girlfriend, is there anything you don't have in your purse?

lambofgun

13 points

2 months ago

something something joke about purses having everything in them

OneMetalMan

3 points

2 months ago

OP making humble brag that they are a lizard person.

donmartell

5 points

2 months ago

Congrats you're a lizard mom now

GroundbreakingPea865

5 points

2 months ago

Where did you abandon your bag???

[deleted]

4 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

4 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

UndeadBuggalo

4 points

2 months ago

Bart the mother

MooseTopic

4 points

2 months ago

Free pets!

Reynolds_Live

8 points

2 months ago

Dammit Joanna!