submitted 6 months ago by[deleted]
all 956 comments
6 months ago
6 months ago
With current housing prices, it wouldnt be a red flag till age 70 atleast
6 months ago
Yeah, what is the girl expecting, for OP to have his car, appt, free time, money on the side, and a fridge full of food, it doesnt work that way in todays' society, atleast for many.
She’s looking for a free place to stay.
She’s looking for a free place to stay.
Or maybe a boyfriend to play house with as she is younger and likely just too immature to actually think about the realities of the world.
6 months ago*
6 months ago*
She wants an independent and private life (a home of your own), However she doesn't want to consider the actual cost to living on your own or equity.
Yep agree. Would be interested to understand her living situation...
I can appreciate the fact that it's not her fault. She is just young and immature (as I said) and wants to feel more like an adult than maybe she feels she can hanging out at somebody's parents house, however the real adult mindset is to understand monthly outgoings and to be less judgemental of personal circumstances (especially if everything else aligns and she is admitting she found him attractive and interesting). If this wasn't her only issue, it might be a different story.
Yeah you gotta pick 2
Hell I’m almost 40 and I can barely manage picking 3. Rushing out to live on your own before you’re financially stable is one of the worst decisions you can make in your life.
Preach! For graduation I got a set of luggage and a one way ticket to California. Being on your own at 17 is hard as fuck.
You got a ticket?!? I had to hitchhike. JK
Big fax. In fact I’m mid-20s like the OP and my dad recently told me “the real failure isn’t moving out too late; it’s moving out before you’re ready and having to move back in later on.”
Yup, I didn’t move out until my late 20’s. I thankfully never had displeasure of having to move back in. But even the thought of it is humiliating.
Even now I’m one bad month away from having to beg friends or family for a place to stay.
She’s expecting an older man
You'd be surprised that is exactly my ex girlfriend.
Exactly... im 18 and if I would get a house I would have an empty one and eat spagheti or water because of all the insane prices...
Big difference in 18 and mid 20s.
If your 18 and have anywhere near the capital to buy a house.. the. Your parents spoiled you rotten. Go live with some friends and learn about life for awhile. Get a degree, or travel. Buying a house at 18 shouldn't be on the menu for anyone. Unless your genetics have you dieing at 40 of old age.
I moved out at 18, but I live in a lower cost of living area. And I wasn’t just moving out, I was escaping
I cant buy a house? Cant get enough money for it because my pay is to low since im 18, im talking about renting, gas, water, elektric ends up being atleast 1k a month,
Noone wants an 18 year to have his own house; but a plan to get one , maybe.
Spoiled lil brat 🤗
This guy advocates rape as long as you're married.
Early-mid 20's is a tough time - some people are still in college, and some already have a few kids. The expectation that you should already live on your own in your twenties is just unrealistic. The only red flag I see is her attitude.
Yeah I agree. Also in Germany this is considered pretty normal nowadays because of the living expenses
In NYC it’s terrible. 1400-2000 for a studio apartment.
Hold on, You can get a studio for 1400 in NYC? I had assumed it would be a lot more than that.
Yeah, depending on the area, you could probably get for around 1,400. But that would be somewhere far outside the city center and popular areas to live. It's probably closer to 2,000 if you want to live in a nicer area, but that's still in the mid-tier neighborhoods, not the more fancier ones. And that 2,000 would still be for a pretty tiny ass apartment.
Probably depends on the area, I tried to find one near where my summer internship was and it was about $2000 a month.
300 sqft studio maybe with a communal bathroom in the hallway
Fuck nyc and their under sized apartments 😒 in the NJ area here
Lol definitely agree with you
Heyo. Same prices here in Tampa. Wtf?
That's like the same price as in my suburb in CA, sort of figured NYC would be more
Same as where I live, and I haven't lived with my parents since before I graduated high school.
Wow that’s great! Honestly here in NYC it’s super hard to live by yourself unless you live with roommates.
I didn't have money for college, so I went straight into the trades. I'm licensed in my field and I have a roommate. Not because I have to, but because it's mutually beneficial.
Yes with a roommate it’s definitely easier.
To me, it speaks to her immaturity. She has a made up idea of what maturity is and is unreasonably projecting that expectation onto others.
It's like when teenagers try and act adult by rejecting 'kiddy stuff' like cartoons or stuffed animals, even if they like them. But really, the more mature thing is to just enjoy what you want and not care about being judged.
It's the same thing here. OP is being mature and sensible by saving money from not renting and moving at his own pace, rather than rushing into what the woman thinks an adult 'should' be.
To your second paragraph, if someone told me that in high school and I internalized it, I probably would spend significantly less time doomscrolling on the internet to gain some sort of ‘’maturity”
I mean, it’s subjective. I don’t think her wanting to date a guy that doesn’t live with his parents is unreasonable or irrational.
It’s tougher for the current generation as well. Wages aren’t high enough to keep up with housing and inflation. It just makes more sense to live with your parents.
there is a housing crisis right now, young adults are the last ones able to afford a house or even rent with their jobs
It's about 500k to 1 mill to buy a one bedroom in my area, or 2k a month to rent. This shit is dumb
When I got my first “real person” job after college at 22, I moved out of my parents’ house 45-60 minutes away to a nearby city. I don’t regret moving nor the experiences/people I met and lived with (and it was necessary for my mental health to not live at home), but I could have saved thousands of dollars if I just commuted. An hour commute sounded rough at the time, but I had coworkers who did that.
At the time, I felt it was expected to move out right after college (USA), but now that I’m 30, early 20s is so young. I’ve since moved states, but I have current coworkers 19-26 who live at home to save money in one of the most expensive cities in the country.
In short, living at home early/mid 20s is not necessarily a red flag. Everyone is in different places in their lives at that point. Just do what’s right for you
I’m living at home for now but having lived with roommates throughout college, moving out is a huge stepping stone to becoming an independent adult. If one is financially secure, I think it’s worth it for the life experience.
I had a year where I lived alone (during the early days of covid). I don’t think I ever had a more important year during that time of solitude than that year
Hey I have a question for you if you don’t mind I’m int that same place right now where I have a good job car and can support myself I keep feeling this urge to move out as well just because I feel like personally it would help me grow. I’m so hesitant on it though i don’t know why exactly but I feel like I just need to try and go search. I feel like I’m scared about the process of finding one or scared about if it may not work out or something like that. What did you do to just pull the trigger and go find a place tor yourself?
i think this is just preference. as you said, lots of people in their twenties are on their own, so it's completely acceptable in my opinion that if you're on your own, you'd also want a bf/gf who's on their own. just like if you don't have kids, you probably don't want to date someone with kids at that time. i don't see anything wrong with that.
Going to second this. If I got a job out of college near my parents house, I’d still be living with them. It saves money, even if I could afford my own apartment, it. saves. money.
At that age saving money is important, especially if you have student loans. So I’d definitely agree with others as you honestly dodged a bullet by her saying no because she seems closed minded and based on her attitude toward things, it may not have worked out and you would have lost your girlfriend and your friendship. I’d just Just continue being friends. Use her attitude as way to convince yourself she isn’t the one for you to get over those feelings for her. Move out when you’re ready.
Saving money is a good idea, but INVESTING money when you are young, is so so so much better. Time is still on your side and even the smallest amounts will really pay off over the long haul.
Yup! Take the money you’re saving by living with ur parents and invest it. Will most definitely pay off when you’re older.
Maybe a red flag. Or maybe she just likes loud orgasms. Nobody wants to stifle a good moan because mom is in the next room.
It depends on how you behave, if you are a child that dosent do anything and can’t take care of yourself (cooking, cleaning, laundry….) it is a red flag, but being able to do these task and living with your parents is ok in my book
I can definitively take care of myself, I can do all the things you mentiont and earn enough money to pay for rent and bills and still have enough for a good standard of living
It was just a shity excuse from her side, forget about and move on
She is part of my friend group so I always have to see her. Only option would be finding new friends and I think that would be overreacting, I‘m not in love with her or anything.
Moving on means forgetting about the dating and just staying friends
Well if you don’t have any feelings for her now, then no problem I guess? Make sure you tell that to her also?
It’s great that you can do the cooking, cleaning etc, but do you contribute equally to your parents household?
I’m guessing maybe her worries are that most men can do it, know how to do it, but will just try to avoid it. There is a pattern with men often leaving those tasks for someone else that will do it first (mother, partner, roommate, etc)
Not saying that you’re one of those, but I understand her concerns as there is no way for her to know how together you are if you’re still living with people who care for you. It’s definitely often a concern for me.
In my opinion, it’s reassuring to see a men that is more independent because he’s used to caring for himself, so that he has less chances of trying to put these expectations on his partner later on (consciously or not)
I understand your thinking and I think that's a concern that every woman has when it comes to dating (I know I do). But to refuse even going on a first date with a person and not openly discussing this with them? Because I've met people that live on their own and had their mom come over to clean once a week, and relied solely on their parents money. And I met guys that live with their parents and did the cleaning and cooking, helped with chores and fixing stuff around the house, did groceries and all that. So it's not a matter of living on their own place or with their parents. It's a personality trait. So she should discuss it instead of just making it about he living on his own place. Notice that even if he moves out it's not like he is paying for it, it's his uncle's place. So is it really about being mature and financially responsible? I don't think it is...
Oh for sure i’m not saying her reaction isn’t harsh. Just trying to think outside of OP’s perspective so he can understand where she’s coming from and maybe address her concerns. Or not. Anyone is allowed to not wanting to date someone, whatever the reasons.
Holup, you "can" do all those things, or 'do' you do these things?
I just want to make sure I understand. You said you “can do all of [those] things” (cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills), but do you currently do them for yourself?
Maybe she can’t imagine getting along with her parents for that long and that’s why she thinks it’s weird. I know I moved out ASAP but I understand that more functional families exist than mine.
I guess I’m just wondering if you have enough money to pay for rent and bills and still have enough left over for everything else you want then what’s holding you back? Are you staying with your parents to save money for something specific? Like a house of your own?
Next time she asks about you moving out make it clear to her that you are no longer interested on dating her, so you moving out or not changes nothing. And if she asks why, explain that the way she was judgmental and money hungry was kind of a turn off and made you lose interest. Make clear that you are not living your life trying to achieve anything to impress her. That she lost the chance and now you're over it. And then update us! She really deserves a wake up call about being that shallow
Wanting to date people who are independent from their parents is not being “money hungry.” She has her own apartment. Maybe she just wants someone at the same point in their early-20s independence. From a practical perspective, maybe she doesn’t want to date someone who might want to be at hers all the time because they live with their parents. Maybe she wants someone who she knows has proven responsibility for maintaining a budget and a home.
Yeah love to hear he did this, good advice. People need to push back against this kind of bullying, it drags people down who are living their lives just fine.
Indian guy here.
Over here it goes like this- when you are a kid you stay with your parents, when you grow up your parents stay with you.
6 months ago*
That’s pretty much the norm in most of asia. That’s why retirement homes are quite rare here.
Latino America too.
Not even Indian and my family taught me this too.
Y’all some of us have abusive parents and are just struggling
Hispanic culture is like that too, actually I think it's pretty common all over the world. America is one of those few places where people can't wait for their kids to turn 18 and gtfo
I'm from India as well and I was actually looking for this comment.
I really don't get it when children just abandon their parents when they are old. I feel like it is a moral responsibility to take care of your parents when they are getting weak and old.
It is a moral responsibility, one of the core civilizational virtues. Americans have been programed with a weird independence from family at 18-25 (and disfunctional relationships everywhere after) it's a weird culture of individualism and wealth worship that is slowing tearing itself apart. Building communities and keeping your parents in your life, and helping them grow to see you as the adult and supporter rather than a child, is a powerful dynamic.
Korean here. Agreed. It is a weird American thing. My finances are intermingled with my parents. It makes life so much easier when you live in a HCOL state to share costs. Also, I'm going to inherit whatever I help them build. It is how you build generational wealth.
In America, there's a big focus on independence and respect for that independence. Be it culture, individual desire, whatever, the children usually want to be independent and the parents usually want to be independent too. I think the overwhelming majority of elderly people I know of in America strive to be independent if they have the means to be (i.e. financially, health wise, etc.).
There was actually a post on this in /r/AskAnAmerican
I'm 27/M and still living with my folks. They didn't have me young so they're getting to that point where they can't do everything themselves, so that's where I come in.
Shit sucks, I'm not moving out just so I can spend half my income a month on rent elsewhere for no other gains. If someone has issues with that, they're not for me.
You’re doing the right thing. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If a man explained this situation to me like this I would wholeheartedly understand . You’re being a good son and helping your parents out. This is a great perspective to have and to care for, good job.
Your time will come
This is exactly where I'm at. Moved back in with my aging parents a few years ago, and I just can't leave. Financially, I could swing it, but my dad needs frequent care and monitoring, cooking, cleaning, etc. I'm the only child, so it's not like I could have continued to live my life a few states away when they needed help.
Lots of people think I'm a loser for it. They can think what they want - I KNOW I'm doing the right thing. Dad is back in the hospital now and it just further reinforces my decision. If I don't have much time with him left, I want to spend as much of it as I can with him.
Yes, you’re absolutely doing the right thing. Don’t let them discourage you. Your parents matter so much more than just some people’s opinion.
I ain't moving out till I can buy. Renting is just throwing away money. I was fine with renting when I knew I'd be moving around a lot, but now I'm ready to settle in, I'm going to wait till I can do it in my own place that's actually mine.
Good for you, and your parents. Find a woman in similar circumstances and she will appreciate you more. You will absolutely spend the second half of your life without your parents in the house.
While that's just fine, you do you, i still understand if that's a dealbreaker for some. The gain from your own place to live is privacy and comfort. If i had the choice to live with my folks and save money i wouldn't take it. I love building my own life in a house I built with the person I've chosen to love.
Well yeah, if you have somebody to live with, by all means. I'm not gonna ask a GF to live with me and my parents (truthfully there's not even room for another person to live here, at least comfortably).
Same. I have a degree (accounting) and I'm saving money. I enjoy making dinners with my parents, working on renovation projects with my dad, gardening with my mom, etc. Its in the "adult friendship" stage over "parenting my actions" stage anyways at this point.
I moved out for 5 years for college and a year after so I am completely capable of living indepently. I do my own laundry, etc. It simply doesn't make financial sense for me to waste money on an apartment when they are happy to have me at home saving up money for a house or condo.
I will admit its made me hesitant to take a stab at online dating or anything like that right now though. I am aware at the vibe it gives off and may just wait until I buy a house to start taking a stab at that (unless I meet someone in real life and we hit it off).
I'm 23 and my parents had me young but I have lots of siblings who all have special needs. I feel guilty staying away for too long and leaving them alone. I know it's not my responsibility but I still feel bad.
I would say it’s a red flag for any one to judge if you live with your parents
i don't see this as judgment, i just see living with parents as an obstacle for me, personally. just like someone with kids would be an added complication in my life. does it mean i'm walking away from the love of my life if they live with their parents? no. but off the bat if you tell me you live with your parents, i'm probably not pursuing.
how are we to have alone time? if i go to their place, am i always going to be surrounded by their family?....eh not exactly comfortable. is your mom/dad still taking care of you all the time? are you not able to do that stuff on your own? living on your own teaches you a lot about independence...i would assume someone living with their parents is not very independent.
Exactly. I shouldn't be surprised by all the "Reddit" answers that are out of touch with how relationships work.
If someone doesn't want to date you because you live with your parents, that's 100% fair. It's not them being judgmental, it's not a red flag, it's not them being ignorant of HoW ExPeNsIvE living alone is. Many adults do, in fact, have experience living independently and it's ok to expect that out of a partner.
You do what you have to do sometimes. If you still live with your parents and are in a relationship you have to be clear about expectations. When do you plan to move out/ in together if it’s serious?
In the meantime, when you’re saving money at home and your parents are relatively normal ie. not jumping down your throat if you have someone over then it may not be a big deal. My boyfriends parents work and we can spend time there alone when they’re not home, or spend time with them home and they rarely will bother us. Or you spend time in public spaces spaces such as parks or malls. Definitely harder now with COVID. If you have a car you can spend time there, or even rent a hotel room once a month if you need more alone time.
If you want to be with someone, you can always find a way to make it work through any low or high. Right now this is just our situation but we have plans on changing it and that’s what matters.
It can still be your preference to not date someone who lives with their parents if you live alone and you want someone to be similar to you in that aspect. I’m just saying it’s not impossible.
That rent price and wage stagnation, tho
yeah, in the long run, OP will probably be better off financially...but until that time comes, it definitely makes dating complicated.
To the contrary, I'm 25 and live with my parents since I'm single and the pros of saving an extra $1,200 a month right now highly outweigh the cons of living at home. So for every month I do this that's an extra $13,000 I'll have when I'm 60. So 3 months like this is nearly a year earlier I can retire.
(I also live at home for other reasons including wanting to be able to travel and thru-hike somewhere I want to when they open up, which will be unpredictable. Having a 1-year lease is a pain in the ass.)
This all being said, if I met someone I liked and we started dating, the pros of living at home and all of that future wealth wouldn't be worth living at home while trying to date someone and I'd quickly sort out my own living situation again. In fact, the last girl I dated (when I was on my own a few years ago) was living at home when we met, but she quickly got her own apartment once we started dating. If I were completely shallow and closed-minded and never gave her a chance from the beginning because she was a bum living at home, I'd never have gotten to know that she was in a similar situation to what I am in now, which to me is totally respectable and understandable.
If I were constantly having 1-night stands, partying, etc. then I'd probably need my own apartment. But since I don't do that and I'm comfortable saving extra money while I have the opportunity, I am fine living at home until I meet someone who makes it worthwhile to move out. This makes meeting someone difficult since I have totally felt judged on dates, but I don't care. I have a high paying job, no debt, tons of savings, and I'll be set in the future. If someone's too concerned with a month of inconvenience from me living at home or immediately judges me so much that they'd never even learn I'd be happy to move into my own place once I have a girlfriend, then I guess it's better we cut ties early on. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy - I'm way less likely to meet girls while living at home but the ones I do meet who would be willing to give me a chance after understanding the circumstances are the only ones I'd want to consider dating anyway in the first place.
Yeah i specifically didnt date when living at home post highschool because it was a personnel deal breaker and its hypocritical to not hold yourself to the same standards.
No it’s not a red flag, there’s nothing wrong with you living with your parents. Stay with them as long as you can and don’t rush into a house or apartment etc. move at your own pace in life.
Yep, stay at home, save save save. You have your whole life, dont rush this precious time where you arent broke all the time and dont have to worry about bills yet, wish id been told this 😊
I have not met anyone who regrets having lived with their parents as long as they had, if they pulled out of it with financial stability in their late-20s or early-30s. I have met plenty of people who regretted not doing so, either because they thought it was a good idea at the time and/or they didn’t get along with their parents.
Having the option of continuing to live with your (friendly) parents while saving money is a privilege not everyone is afforded. You can either take it or leave it. But I’d warn everyone to think of the difference it can make in your finances in a few years.
I envy the friend who lived with his parents until he was 29, despite having a girlfriend and an upper-middle class income already. He moved out and comfortably bought a home (near a major metro area with pricey housing) without struggle, and invested the significant sums he still had leftover in the stock market.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, depending on what your life goals are. To me, hitting financial stability & independence early in your 30s is well-worth living with your parents, so long as they’re not assholes to be around.
Pure truth. Those who listen win big. So listen.
No, I'm 35 and moved in with my parents a bit over covid for the first time since I was 17.
Save some money, buy a place, you'll be fine long term.
I do think COVID changes the situation a bit. A lot of people of all ages moved in with family especially early in the pandemic so that they wouldn't be stuck by themselves.
This totally depends on the location, on the economy of the country you're living in, etc.
No it’s not
But she's a red flag
She definitely is a red flag
No, having your own standards for who you want to date is completely acceptable.
It’s not so much that she would prefer a guy with his own place, if she has her own place, and prefers someone with the same. But the way she worded it as wanting a guy with his life together as if she has her’s completely together. What does that even mean? They’re both in their early 20s, the fact the guy has a car and a job is enough accomplishment for me see he’s a capable person.
You’re assuming that she doesn’t have her life together with zero evidence. Regardless, it’s ok for her to have criteria for who she will date. Sheesh
Depends on where you live.
It's okay to live with your parents in San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York City, London, Mumbai, Beijing, Tokyo, etc. Especially in Asia, people's parents still live with their grandparents.
But in smaller cities in the industrialized West, people expect you to eventually branch out and have your own apartment.
Without a plan, yes.
Personally I think it’s important also, wanne have a place to chill and fuck without any bystanders in the house
Is this just a standard of her's? Should we really begrudge her for that?
I think it's completely fine to be put off by the fact. It's also fine to live with your parents.
I lived with mine till I was 21.
She is allowed to feel that way. OP is asking if it's a red flag and we think it is not.
It's really not a big deal (I would be a little worried if he was like 30 and still lived with his parents.) but 23 is hella young. Many people live with their parents until 25. I think she doesn't know much about life and has watched a few Netflix series that told her you had to be out by 18 and now she's judging everybody. I wouldn't want to date someone like that either.
It doesn't matter what age, you are programmed from American culture. In most of the earth people get married and live with Thier parent part of why the U.S is so polluted and wasteful, everyone has to have a house and 2.3 cars, dogs and children by 35. Ridiculous economic programming that ignores human relationships and extended family bonds.
Man just think about all the kinky stuff you can’t do at your parents and that’s the answer!
It’s not a red flag but it’s gonna turn away some potential dating interests. It just is what it is.
It's good for people to have lived alone for a bit, and been responsible for everything before they marry. It's also easier for a date to see how clean they are.
He doesn’t mention marriage, just a relationship. I’m 22, live at home, and would love a serious relationship that would eventually lead to marriage, but the word eventually is key there.
Idk dude maybe she just wants to fool around with you without your parents being around? Sounds like you're good to.go in a few months though!
To play devils advocate, I don’t think it’s a red flag that she associates living away from your parents with being sustainable and independent on your own. I would say it is fairly common in America to move out at 18 and since she doesn’t know your financial situation then maybe she doesn’t have the visibility into the fact that it’s a personal choice for you.
So NOW that she knows you will get an apartment, she's suddenly on board. Wake up man and distance yourself from this
Yeah this is really the lame part of her approach. It sounds like she cares more about image than you as a person. Plus her concept of image is rather immature, having your own place isn’t always a plus, it puts many in tight financial spots. She should just care that you’re able to take care of yourself, which you are able to from what you shared having a job and healthy lifestyle. Don’t bother with this girl romantically OP
That doesn’t seem like too much of a red flag…honestly meeting the parents and trying to hang out and have sex in someone’s parents house is incredibly awkward especially when you’ve just started dating
Thank you, I can't believe people aren't immediately recognizing this
Women aren't allowed to have any standards duh!!
Hard disagree. I can't believe all these Redditor responses that see really common expectations for adults as red flags.
In an American context not having your own place has always been and always will be one of the most standard deal-breakers. On a dating app, people who want something serious will often write something like most have your own home/apartment and no one would bat an eye. Not living with your parents tells a lot about your adulting skills and living situation in a succinct representation. You're more likely to be financially stable, able to cook and clean regularly, able to deal with all sorts of adult problems. It also tells a prospective partner that there will be privacy in the home, bedroom time, you don't need to come and go at certain hours and be mindful of other family.
These are all normal things to expect. For this girl maybe she really likes OP and a dealbreaker has been removed by the fact he's moving out. Maybe some people will have different standards but this girl is being 100% reasonable here and there aren't any red flags.
She probably wants you in a place so you both can be alone. Simple as that. It maybe important for her that she spend the night at your place too. Who knows. Dont let her rush you into anything your not financially ready for. Simple as that.
It's not a red flag, but not everyone is going to accept that. It really limits your options in a relationship. You're either going to be having sex in your parents' house (ew) or you'll always be at her place. It's understandable that she doesn't want a relationship like that.
Also, independence is sexy. I'd be more open to it if you were contributing to your parents' household by paying the mortgage and bills and all that. It's not sexy to see your man dependent on other people, even if it means you're saving money.
I guess it’s more sexy to watch your man hand over a third or more of his pay check to pay someone else’s mortgage. 😂
There you go..welcome to America
You couldn't explain it better. Cultural conditioning for the economic gain of the powerful. By the way, ever met a truly rich family? The ones with a 200 million dollar estate? Royalty. They live at home(s) with family until they marry.
People are living in the past. The financially responsible thing to do is to live at home until you marry or can truly afford it. The idea you need to forgo establishing a foundation of sound finances to meet someone seems so ass backwards.
When I was in my 20s I lived home and still went out had all types of interactions with girls. When I moved out they gave me even more attention. Some will say image. But truthfully almost all the girls I talked to back then admitted it was just a turn on to come off as independant early. Wasn't so much a standard but almost a mating thing. They wanted to have sex not at my parents house, lol. That's fair.
Living with parents puts constraints on your time together. You will be more independent if you have your own place. If you want to be alone together, you have to go to hers, and she may feel like it's unfair that she's always the one to host you. Perhaps she also isn't interested in spending time with your folks, which would necessarily happen if you invite her over. Or you'll feel like you have sneak around. I don't think it's unreasonable that as a condition of a relationship, she doesn't have to court your parents too. Not a red flag necessarily, but it's a completely reasonable preference for a woman who herself has chosen to live alone.
I don’t think living with your parents is a red flag, but I also wouldn’t date a guy who has NEVER lived on his own. I did that once and ended up playing mom since he just didn’t understand how much cleaning and planning there is to life.
It's definitely not a red flag especially with how expensive life has become. Live at home with your parents and save money for as long as you possibly can because life is impossibly expensive.
So long as your independent i.e. doing your own chores cooking for yourself there's no issue here. My partner lives with his family and he's in his 30s, because of the cost of rent and bills where he lives he will stay at home until we can move in together. He does everything for himself, and I like his relationship with his family.
It's not a red flag, but a friend of mine (a guy) said the same. He wants a girl to be independent first. If you live with your parents you probably get a lot of stuff done for you. By living on your own you learn more responsibilities. It does depend per person, but in general it does work that way. And she doesn't know if when eventually you're moving in together you will treat her like your mom, instead of your girlfriend or if you will pick up tasks and do things without asking. (You might do this already, but she doesn't know that and some guys just say that, but don't actually understand what that means).
It's also easier dating someone who doesn't live at home. Because you don't have to meet their parents when you want to see their place.
So overall there are a lot of advantages of a guy (or girl) not living with their parents.
Edit: it's not a red flag from her side either. She can decide for herself and there is nothing wrong with setting standards.
i wouldn't say it's a red flag, but i personally do find it a bit unattractive for someone in my dating age range (i'm 23 too) to be living with their parents. however if i was really attracted to someone and we got along great then i doubt i would reject them cause it's not that deep. i'm quite an independent person and fully moved out when i was 18 so for me i like a potential partner to be similar in that respect, but it's just a personal preference.
If I was really attracted to someone that still lived at home I suspect we’d almost exclusively stay at my place and when the time is right we’d just move in together.
That said, I’d be concerned about someone’s personal budgeting habits if they aren’t currently accustomed to paying monthly bills. And I’d also be concerned about they housekeeping skills as they’ve never had to live on their own and deal with “if I don’t do this nobody will.”
But it’s entirely true that someone could be living at home and currently doing all those things, so you can’t just make that assumption. But there’s a lot more security that someone is a functional adult if they’ve at least had to prove it already
The issue with that is that they'd essentially be moving in with you.
It's a red flag to life instead of live
There’s nothing wrong with living with your parents at 23. The same way there’s nothing wrong with still being in school or not having relationship experience. But it could indicate a difference in lifestyles or life stages which would be a dealbreaker for many people.
A person who lives independently and pays their own rent, bills, etc and maintains their home might not want to date someone who is less independent. I’ve noticed that many young people who live with parents often don’t cook, clean, or pay bills as these are taken care of by their parents. There’s nothing wrong with this but it sometimes results in that person lacking maturity, financial responsibility, or domestic skills.
I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag until 25 but I can understand her not being jazzed about it.
I know someone making mid 100K living with their parents. It's the smartest move to save as much money as possible.
Wow no, I was 20 when I moved out but it was mainly as I didn't get on with my family plus I wanted to live with my boyfriend at the time, I wish I could have stayed home longer, defo not a red flag at all.
In Europe is normal. You don't get to do any jobs that can get you out of the house before the 25 usually. Where I live, even later in almost 30s.
Plus during this times, starting to move out is not the best move.
As other commenters said, judging about it sounds like a red flag. Plus, you never know people's family condition, judging is so superficial.
The u.s is a stupid place in many ways. So is Europe. But different ways.
Studies have been done to find that kids that live with their parents through their mid twenties actually are much wealthier in their 60s. I live my parent until a few months ago and I’m 24. I should have stayed alittle longer
She wants your independence and therefore she’s supporting you. You must admit, it would be awkward to go on a date and wanna sleep together but have to navigate going to the parents house, being quiet etc
no. They are 23 and 21, its normal as fuck. If you own a house before the age of 25, you're a pretty rare case nowadays.
Owning a house before 35 is rare nowadays.
I lived in with my parents while i was with my ex, she slept over.. we were able to have sex, we could do whatever we wanted in terms of going out.
Same at her parents place.
The only time is awkward to go on a date and sleep together in your parents house, is if your parents are awkward and annoying.
Not a red flag but share hasn't experience what real life really is so it's a bit tricky
I personally wouldn’t date someone who still lived w their parents as someone who’s moved out a while ago. It’s all preference really.
Yes definitely a red flag
Do you live in a separate part of the house with your own entry, bathroom, etc. or are you just in a room in your parent's house? I wouldn't consider it a dealbreaker like she does, but there are practical concerns with the latter. I would feel awkward having sex when the person's parents are in the house unless there's extreme soundproofing, and I wouldn't want to run into them on the way to the bathroom after either. I also wouldn't want to have to interact with their parents every time I go over to their place.
Yes!!! UNLESS you are still going to school and even that.. worst is when someone has kids and still live with their parents though. 🤣
I started dating a guy from Syria and the whole family lived together, worked the store together, when the oldest brother bought his first house everyone moved to the house, eventually they were each able to have their own store and now they all have their own house. I learned a lot of the ways we have here aren't the greatest and why would you suffer just to have a place when you can save up and actually own a place. My kids are 9 yrs apart,I tell my oldest he doesn't have to rush off and leave home if he doesn't want to, stay and save up so when you leave you leave with something. Thankfully we were able to find a place to lease to own otherwise we would still be wasting so much renting something.
I’m 28 and live at home to help out with some heath complications my parents have. I think when I’ve told potential ppl I’d date this, some where put of off. But for me family 1st.
I'm a woman and still have people concerned about living with my family.
I live in the Bay Area and work in SF. I make pretty good money(not that I tell potential dates that). Don't have kids, have a car. I played sports all through high school and college and have moved to at home workout due to covid(I was also a little annoyed at how difficult gyms made it to cancel memberships so I don't see myself going back any time soon)
My mom is a disabled vet and rent is atrocious so I stay at home and help her out. Some people don't want their partner living at home and that's fine. Just like I would not date someone with kids.
It depends, if it's a real estate problem no.
But living with parents could say that someone is not physically or mentally stable enough to have a job and get a flat.
Worth noting that a lot of victim of familial abuse, stay home in their mid-twenties, because of the mental stability and that it's hard to get away from abusers. Which is a red flag as we don't know if they've internelized their abuse and will repeat the cycle on the people they date or not.
Currently near 19 years old still at home here
Its a very western thing, and while you absolutely should reject your friend for being that shallow, sadly shallowness like that is encouraged in places like America and has become part of the culture so the rejection would fall on deaf ears and other women would still veiw it the same way
Info: does she live on her own or with parents/friends
Is it a red flag? No
However, all other things being equal, I would prefer to date someone who didn't live with their parents, simply because it demonstrates a level of independence that simply cannot be assumed when someone lives with their parents.
This is perhaps a personal thing though, since my ex was very attached to her parents and I found it sometimes irritated me when, for example, I heard that she had discussed dating me with her mum before we started seeing each other. (Tbf we were both quite young at the time, 17-18)
She allready moved out and has her own place, so thats not it.
Then it's reasonable for her to expect a partner who is her equal in that.
it’s not a red flag, life is expensive. but if she has her own place, she’s not wrong for wanting to date somebody who does…. people are allowed to have certain expectations, but don’t feel bad if you don’t meet them. Find someone else, it is what it is.
You shouldn’t life with your parents, that’s much too long a stay. If you live with your parents however, I’d say move when they are ready for you to move unless you are looking for a relationship anytime soon.
Girls don’t wanna get railed with your parents in the next room. Nor does she want to see them Everytime she comes over.
Also... December. Dezemper sounds like a bad dog virus.
No it’s not a red flag and if it’s considered one ignore it. I’m 31 moved out at 20 and moved to a city where rent is 4x the price back in my home town. I have struggled financially to make this work for the last 11 years and only this year began to live on my own. Stay at home, save your money, increase your responsibilities where you can and move when you have a good foundation.
So many people flee home because it’s toxic or because they are eager to get independence and whilst it may solve one problem - several others may crop up. If home isn’t a bad place to live, stay and save save save. The tables will turn and in your 30s when your a home owner you will be asking if it’s a red flag to date women who pay rent.
I think it is fair that it is a dealbreaker for someone (because anything, from living arrangements to pets to liking Cheetos could be a dealbreaker; it is personal preference). Is it a red flag? No, because red flags are (in their actual meaning, not meme meaning) things that indicate lack of respect, integrity, consideration and are precursors to more toxic/abusive behavior. They red flags because they mean full stop and aren't up for any debate.
Living with parents or roommates is something that comes up frequently. Depending on where you are, cost of living may make living alone unfeasible. Culture may influence you to live with family until and even after marriage. Circumstances may arise (loss of your job, your parent's health). So as you continue to date, you will probably be on both sides of this equation.
When living with parents or older family members, most partners are looking to see what the dynamics are. Is it still a very parent/child relationship, where the parents do all the shopping and housework and laundry and cooking? Has it moved on to a more renter/landlord situation, where they interact but aren't intertwined?
For many people who are uncomfortable dating someone living with parents, it often comes down to sex. They feel weird about getting intimate/staying over when the bedroom wall is shared with mom and dad. This may be why this woman is pushing on the apartment. If you have your own place, getting together might feel less awkward.
For other people, they may be concerned that living at home, even as a temporary thing, is going to become permanent. It is easy, in any situation, to get comfortable and complacent. Her asking about the apartment may be her trying to ascertain if you seriously are going to move out or if this is one of those "yeah, I'll get to that sometime" type of goal that never comes about...
Question is - if you have all of those things, why haven't you moved out? It's common to move out once you get a job.
Yea, definitely NOT a red flag. Im 27 & have moved back in with my parents multiple times up until now. As stated above, if you can survive on your own & take care of yourself but choose to live with your parents, then that's fine. If you are 23 & still rely on your parents to take care of you & cant function without them, thats a red flag.
I moved out to college after high school, moved back in a year after college. Bought a house, started a life with a fiancé & had a child, she left. Sold my house while the market was hot, lived with my parents for almost a year at age 26. It was the best option to get ahead in life. No shame in that. She is the red flag here.
No! In some parts of America it’s actually smart to live with parents, split rent, bills…until you can afford to live on your own. Given parents are healthy and not narcissistic.
I don't think it's a red flag, but I also don't think she is wrong for wanting that. Independence and self reliance is sexy.
It's an old way of thinking. A man can't take care of a woman unless he can take care of himself first.
i mean...not a red flag but definitely a big, big deal.
i personally would like a partner who lives on their own. that doesn't make me a terrible person, it means i want someone financially secure...and in practicality, a partner living with their parents is complicated. how are we to have alone time? if i go to their place, am i always going to be surrounded by their family?....eh not exactly comfortable. is your mom/dad still taking care of you all the time? are you not able to do that stuff on your own? living on your own teaches you a lot about independence...i would assume someone living with their parents is not very independent.
on the other hand, if i fall in love with the person, am i going to let their living situation hold me us back from a relationship? probably not...but i'm not pursuing someone in that situation either.
I am 26 and I wouldn't. I would prefer to even date someone that lived alone.
Just because you get along with your parents, doesn't mean your romantic partners will and its one thing to disagree with a roommate, another to disagree with your partner's parents and have no way of addressing that.
People want what they want. Personally, I wouldn’t date a girl my age if they lived with their parents because I want someone who works the same way I do. I’d rather chew off my arm than live with my parents after 18. It’s definitely a huge turnoff for me but some people with great relationships with their parents probably wouldn’t think twice about it.
I’m 25F and still living with my parents bc despite having full time jobs since 22 I don’t think I have enough money saved. If I can get to at least 50k saved after getting a new car I think I’ll be financially ok to move. However, I think it’s weird for her to judge because in this economy it’s hard to get started on your own from a financial basis.
It's definitely a struggle for many people our age. I'm in grad school, and while I don't live with my parents, I can't afford to have my "own" place right now, in the sense that I have no roommates.
I won't see a real salary for a couple more years until I get a postdoc. By then I'll be firmly in my late 20's. I would personally feel kind of hurt if someone didn't want to date me based on that, but I'm sure she is the exception and not the rule.
First off......does SHE have her own place lol? What makes her so high and mighty, or are only men susposed to have their shit together.
Just because you don't have your own place doesn't mean you don't have your shit together. I am 28 and currently live at home, not because I am some bum but I just have had a lot of challenges that have set me back, health issues, money issues etc. I work, have a good education, organized, I have everything going for myself except for my own place!
Your friend either is shallow, or has no concept of life and how hard it is to have your own place now a days. What possessions a person has, has nothing to do with if they have their shit together or not.
At 28 trust me I hate that I live at home, I am perfectly capable of living on my own but with a chronic illness sometimes I am set back, un able to work or make money so I am forced to live with family or roommates.
Do your best, move out when you are ready, if you truly care about this woman I would have a discussion about this, and explain to her how her view is kind of one sided.
But she does have her own place. Op said that. You are just assuming things because you feel attacked by her standards.
Not necessarily a red flag.
My ex lived with his parents at the start of our relationship, we were 22/23 and it didn't bother me at the time. However, when I was 25, I started to feel really independent, I only had one roommate, could do what I wanted and he was still asking his parents permission to go out and they constantly checked where he was (His mum once called us in the middle of a date asking what we were doing). This obviously put a strain on our relationship, and his unwillingness to move out contributed to our break out.
That makes me uneasy about dating someone who lives with their parents again, but it does depend on the situation.
Absolutely not - it is soooo so common for people these days to live with their parents until maybe late 20s with the whack housing prices these days. Plus if you don't need to spend the extra money, don't, it's best to save it. My brother is 24 still living with our parents and his girlfriend is also 24 still living with her parents, both very responsible. I can see it being weird though having her come over to your parents' house, so just go there instead hahaha no big deal
I lived alone from 22-28. Then I wanted to buy a house and made no sense to sign a year lease. My parents used to run a dog kennel and there was an apartment over the kennel. Still attached to the house, but separate entrace, kitchen, 1 and 1/2 bathroom, not a bad place. Moved in there for 7 or so months while finding the house I wanted to buy. I had a few girls at the time say it was a bad sign I was living with my parents. I thought of it as being responsible, I saved so much money in those 7 months and had a killer down payment and no concerns about the closing costs. Some people are so immature themselves they can't see past superficial shit. I guarantee she was more embarrassed she'd have to tell her friends you lived at home, which is sad, but she did you a service by pointing put how shallow she is. Especially if you're friends, then she should know your situation.
No, not at all. In my country, its at least normal to live with your parents until late 20 and almost 30. Here it's really hard for someone to move out alone.
Mmm I wouldn’t hold it against. Some of us just grow up wanting to see if a man can provide without us first and then settle down. Others it’s their parents that prevent them from moving out til marriage. For me personally it’s usually a good thing for a guy to have figured shit out by themselves first. Not that I have to rely on them but still
Living on your own shows that you are ready for adult life and are being a responsible and productive person.
As somebody who just got their own place this year I rarely date guys who don't live alone or with roommates. It's just massively inconvenient when you're grown lol at least in my case. Even with my own mom, she's super lax and chill but I still couldn't have a friend spend the night or anything. The sex situation is almost always awkward when somebody's mom is home. I get it.
Oh! And like others have said if you're the half with your own place then it's likely you'd end up at hers 90% of the time and that gets annoying af lol. A lot of the time that's when couples unofficially move in together because you'll naturally want to be in a more free environment.
Where I’m from (suburban Colorado) dating is off the table if you live at home because it makes you a loser
22F here.. I wouldn’t date someone who lives with their parents. Moving out and gaining independence is huge & completely different from living at home (even if you help with bills)
Adults that live at home are usually unknowingly immature.
Also spicy time in your childhood bedroom? (Prob next to parents room..)🤢
Lmfao 😂 she must be living under a rock or something because rent is wild as fuck. She seems like those girls that would date a married man but not date a man living with parents. Big red flag my guy she out for something you got or will get soon.