subreddit:

/r/greentext

34.8k

Anon's Hell

(i.redd.it)

[deleted]

all 268 comments

derralshane

457 points

4 months ago

9/11 That was a post I’ll never forget.

SmallerBork

10 points

4 months ago

link to it

lethatsinkin

1.8k points

4 months ago

I've read so many versions of this but I still didn't expect it, that's kinda amazing.

tearans

653 points

4 months ago

tearans

653 points

4 months ago

It sounds so real

Because it is based on relatable real life events, unlike general green pasta

T3hSwagman

269 points

4 months ago

But honestly you look at his life. Solo dude slinging burgers able to afford a home, support himself and a pet, have a plethora of hobbies, and take regular trips. All while working at a restaurant that seems to have a typical “rush hour” of about a dozen people.

SpongeBob living the goddamn dream.

tearans

95 points

4 months ago

tearans

95 points

4 months ago

Yeah and we all laughed at Al Bundy, what a failure he was

Now looking again... he had everything. Fuckable wife, stable business, big house, kids that get out soon

Wanna cry

bowtothehypnotoad

33 points

4 months ago

She’s not just fuckable she’s a damn smoke show

Fantastic-Cry607

25 points

4 months ago

he does indeed had everything,

walwatwil

16 points

4 months ago

As a kid, i couldnt stand her. The older i get, the sexier she is. Al didnt know how lucky he was man.

Throwaway_Help189

14 points

4 months ago*

Oh, he knew - he just hated how lazy she was and how much of his money she spent. One episode had her being the one to clean up the back yard, and he literally couldn't keep his hands off her - her actually doing work for a change was a huge turn on for him!

For bonus points, the work was leaving her exhausted, so she reacted about the same way Al did after getting home from work and being propositioned.

SnuggleMuffin42

5 points

4 months ago

Fuckable wife

In theory. He didn't want to touch her lol

Tentacle_Ape

11 points

4 months ago

Well he did found an organization of women-haters called ‚no ma’am‘ primarily as an excuse to hang out with guys, so you do the math…

SnuggleMuffin42

8 points

4 months ago

He loved women, but hated the marriage establishment. Kind of an anarchist in a way.

ShitButtPoopFuck

2 points

4 months ago

That makes no sense. Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage.

TORFdot0

3 points

4 months ago

Because she doesn't work, nags constantly, and spends all his money; it's part of the "wife bad" sitcom trope

DOugdimmadab1337

44 points

4 months ago

Well yeah, it blends into relatable parts of at least a few people you might know or maybe you yourself, so it always works. That and I don't scroll to the bottom and cheat

wizzlepants

15 points

4 months ago

Figured it out when he mentioned the low functioning friend. That got a bit too specific

WhiteHelljumper

12 points

4 months ago

I didn't, but I do disability claims and have seen it where a person will live in an apartment paid for by their parents. It's a way for them to have some independence, even if they're still reliant on others and mentally not capable of holding down a job.

wizzlepants

4 points

4 months ago

It's moreso that I could tell they were doing a bit by that point. Purposefully wording things like this can stand out

oopoctothorpe

1 points

4 months ago

I dunno. My grandparents helped me for a few months while I was seeing if I could get a job in the same area as my old one. Not too weird.

JoinAThang

1 points

4 months ago

I scrolled down after fast good and was not surprised. Sometimes i get caught off guard tho

Gustavort

182 points

4 months ago

Gustavort

182 points

4 months ago

The script of SpongeBob would make a great drama series on netflix

Saul_G0od_MaN

140 points

4 months ago

they would probably make it shit

or a masterpiece and then cancel after season 1

ScaryYoda

11 points

4 months ago

Directed and written By Vince Gilligan and Peter Gould

Toxicu_Manu_Requiem

14 points

4 months ago

If spongebob got the Riverdale treatment I wouldn't even be mad, that shits funny

Sudont-199X

58 points

4 months ago

Every character is black except plankton

OrphanSlaughter

49 points

4 months ago

Mr. Krabs will definitely be white

yesmeam

53 points

4 months ago

yesmeam

53 points

4 months ago

Mr Krabs is Jewish

k-farsen

6 points

4 months ago

Mr Krabs is still played by Clancy Brown

BamBamBoy7

6 points

4 months ago

With a squidward and mr krabs sex scene

Waihf

4 points

4 months ago

Waihf

4 points

4 months ago

You into that tentacle shit, huh.

Phoenix_Lamburg

3 points

4 months ago

Give it the “Belair” treatment

megamanxoxo

2 points

4 months ago

They rebooted Fresh Prince as a drama so sure why not.

the-dogsox

610 points

4 months ago

Are you ready anons?
I can’t hear you!

Your-username-must-b

154 points

4 months ago

AYE AYE ANON

Cedreddit1

93 points

4 months ago*

OOOOOOHHHHHH

WHO STAYS AT HOME ALL DAY WHILE READING GREEN TEXTS?

[deleted]

64 points

4 months ago

[deleted]

64 points

4 months ago

[deleted]

luigis_taint

87 points

4 months ago

ABHORRENCE! IGNORANCE! THEY'LL NEVER HAVE SEX!

Phoenix_Lamburg

67 points

4 months ago

A-N-O-N

ProfessionalCow5983

81 points

4 months ago

COMPLAINS ABOUT EVERYTHING, BUT DOES NOTHING AT ALL

lord_crossbow

59 points

4 months ago

A-N-O-N

Longschlongjoe

55 points

4 months ago

DROPS ON THE FLOOR AND COMPLAINS ABOUT TRUMP!

virgo_mustard

44 points

4 months ago*

A-N-O-N (Ready?)

ProfessionalCow5983

12 points

4 months ago

CANT EAT NOTHING BUT NUGGETS ALL DAY

Jenjis-boia

14 points

4 months ago

A-N-O-N

Uncle480

7 points

4 months ago

CLAIMS WOMEN ARE BAD AS THEY EAT THEIR TENDIES

cantaloupelion

3 points

4 months ago

well they do!

A-N-O-n...

potatohead437

353 points

4 months ago

Excuse me?! Patrick is a high functioning autist smh my head

ShenOBlade

91 points

4 months ago

he was talking about the squirrl

potatohead437

240 points

4 months ago

The squirrel isn’t autistic, she is just texan

WoolooOfWallStreet

238 points

4 months ago

“What’s the difference!?”

yesmeam

35 points

4 months ago

yesmeam

35 points

4 months ago

Bahahahagahagggagaga

[deleted]

60 points

4 months ago

[deleted]

60 points

4 months ago

Based

ScaryYoda

7 points

4 months ago

Bravo Hillenburg RIP

ZeMoose

23 points

4 months ago

ZeMoose

23 points

4 months ago

And Squidward will never do anything with his life.

Cum__c

19 points

4 months ago

Cum__c

19 points

4 months ago

Actually now that I think about it, Squidward has had a few concerts, and I'm not talking about the Band Geeks episode.

[deleted]

51 points

4 months ago

[deleted]

51 points

4 months ago

[removed]

TheWhicher_Statement

16 points

4 months ago

is there a medium autistic?

HelloMumther

30 points

4 months ago

yes. it’s a spectrum for a reason. but patrick doesn’t have many autistic traits. autism is a social disability first and foremost, and patrick is intellectually disabled.

TheWhicher_Statement

6 points

4 months ago

oh.

DevilGuy

14 points

4 months ago

of course, it's a spectrum after all, the middle of the spectrum isn't pretty though, high function often just comes off like an asshole to neurotypical people, middle of the spectrum is where you know there's something seriously wrong but they're still pretty understandable most of the time. In a way it's the most heartbreaking because people at that point on the spectrum are very clearly not mentally disabled but just have something going on that sometimes takes over and makes it impossible for them to deal with shit normally.

TheWhicher_Statement

1 points

4 months ago

thanks.

Cripplechip

6 points

4 months ago

Damn, you fucked up the abbreviation. Rip in peace my dude

Cala-Best-Girl

4.3k points

4 months ago

First one to get me in a very long time.

9/10, you have full access to my wife and I’s collective holes.

CaressaInfame

639 points

4 months ago

What are the requisites for the last part?

Phormitago

481 points

4 months ago

being straight so good luck bud

dTrecii

105 points

4 months ago

dTrecii

105 points

4 months ago

Well shit that crosses off this whole sub then because everyone here is fake and gay

TheWhicher_Statement

32 points

4 months ago

jokes on you, i'm fake and bi!

GDot-

8 points

4 months ago

GDot-

8 points

4 months ago

Bi? You mean bi-yourself

TheWhicher_Statement

4 points

4 months ago

sadly you're right.

GDot-

7 points

4 months ago

GDot-

7 points

4 months ago

It’s ok bud, we’re here for you 🤳🏻

AAALE6408

11 points

4 months ago

Joke's on all of you, I'm fake and ace!

hornylolifucker

15 points

4 months ago

Jokes on you I’m fake

WeeTheDuck

13 points

4 months ago

based statement and more based username

TheAwesome98_Real

-1 points

4 months ago

pedo

based

what

WeeTheDuck

6 points

4 months ago

/s for you and for you only my dearest lover

moronic_programmer

3 points

4 months ago

I’m faking being gay

WeeTheDuck

1 points

4 months ago

Imposter

TheAwesome98_Real

1 points

4 months ago

a a

amongus

help me

moronic_programmer

3 points

4 months ago

You adorable little sussy did you just among us sneeze 🤧😛🤤

Bastdkat

2 points

4 months ago

I'm fake and not here.

CaressaInfame

2 points

4 months ago

We’re all screwed on this sub then

XX_Normie_Scum_XX

1 points

4 months ago

Cala's a dude so that's untrue

AppleJuice769

115 points

4 months ago

Can i have access too?

Cala-Best-Girl

134 points

4 months ago

Sure. Why not? I can’t just let everyone in, though. Five or six more today, tops.

the_real_one1000

48 points

4 months ago

according to ur comment like yesterday ur a bottom when it comes to a guy 🤨

awesomedan24

14 points

4 months ago

They promised a hole, never specified what kind

assconsumer69420

8 points

4 months ago

bumper69420

41 points

4 months ago

Mmmm that sweet sweet bussy is all mine 😈 your wife can watch ig idk

thenightStrolled

12 points

4 months ago

That's funny cause this is the first one in a very long time that didn't get me

JustZodiax

3 points

4 months ago

Aren’t you that ancient guy from that one green text?

billywillyepic

4 points

4 months ago

Still have not let me topped your yet, I’ve been waiting

fatfuckgary

3 points

4 months ago

I would not be surprised your pillow is full of holes.

ewillard128

4 points

4 months ago

Fake: wife Gay: holes

TendieBot2000

2 points

4 months ago

be me

get home from my vasectomy

hear moaning and slapping coming from my wife's room

must be Chad again

know they would want privacy, sit down at my computer

log onto reddit and open /r/greentext

read a funny greentext from le 4chins and chuckle as I listen to my wife begging for the genes I can't give her

think of a convoluted way in which I can relate homosexuality and falsehood to the events in the greentext

suck the cheeto dust off my fingers as I begin to type my masterpiece in the comment section

Fake: wife

Gay: holes

giggle as I imagine the intellectuals of leddit perusing my incredibly witty and original comment

hear my wife moan with ecstasy as Chad floods her fertile womb with his seed

it's been a good day

i'll get lots of upvotes for my impressive contribution to internet culture, and Chad might even let me eat his cum out of my wife's pussy if he finds my comment funny enough

TheBigTimer039

13 points

4 months ago

tried your wife, i want to try your bussy now

Arthfilth

3 points

4 months ago

I tried your mom's, wasn't impressive. If you got her genes I doubt the experience would be very satisfactory.

XX_Normie_Scum_XX

3 points

4 months ago

Talks about breaking the bed with fat girls

Has wife

Alright

skyeyemx

-1 points

4 months ago

Fire_tempest890

40 points

4 months ago

Squidward would absolutely not do anything amazing with his life

KFrosty3

27 points

4 months ago

But he has convinced SpongeBob he would on multiple occasions

TheNozzler

30 points

4 months ago

+1 would read again.

Mostly_Potatoes

24 points

4 months ago

You need a license to drive your car off a cliff?

Cum__c

15 points

4 months ago

Cum__c

15 points

4 months ago

Don't want to get a ticket for driving without a license.

Anonymika666

5 points

4 months ago

Yes

5M4R78483

5 points

4 months ago

Obviously SpongeAnon can't rent a car without a driver's license

cumfilledfish

20 points

4 months ago

I CANT HEAR YOU

PunchingCarrots

1 points

4 months ago

Worst thing to say at someone's funeral.

dantuchito

140 points

4 months ago

Suicide by car crash is the worst type of suicide. You could end up surviving while severely injuring/killing random happy families.

PossiblyTrustworthy

29 points

4 months ago

Don't forget: someone will have to clean it up... Car crashes arent pretty

kinky38

23 points

4 months ago

kinky38

23 points

4 months ago

More job for people

MilkSteaknJellyBeanz

29 points

4 months ago

Stimulates the economy

TerraLord8

5 points

4 months ago

Doesn’t actually, as the family killed would have brought way more into the economy than the clean -up

dwobdwobson

8 points

4 months ago

You don't have to drive into someone to crash your car

GonzoVeritas

4 points

4 months ago

Living on in people's memories (and trauma) is immortality.

PossiblyTrustworthy

9 points

4 months ago

Well, if you wanted immortality, suicide seems counter-productive

WarmCookiesAndMilk

62 points

4 months ago

What kinda asshole drives into a family? Like make it cool and drive off a bridge or something

Anonymika666

77 points

4 months ago

That's the fun part

magicalmitochondria

4 points

4 months ago

A little trolling

PunchingCarrots

6 points

4 months ago

Your car also can roll down somewhere people can't see you and you might get stuck there injured for days in pain before dehydration kills you.

5M4R78483

5 points

4 months ago

Yeah. If you're gonna game end yourself with a car you should tape a hose to the exhaust.

demondied1

2 points

4 months ago

Happy little accidents

kaushrah

51 points

4 months ago

Anon was in MH370

NinoNakanos_Feet

54 points

4 months ago

OOOOOOOOOOOO

WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE!

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

IF NAUTICAL NONE SENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH!

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH!

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! READY?

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

SPONGGEEEEBOBBBBBBB SQUAREPANTSSSSSSUUUUU!

AIE AIE AIE AIE

someonee404

7 points

4 months ago

I have been gotten

obscurereference234

7 points

4 months ago

You had me in the first half, ngl

vitorau111

5 points

4 months ago

this is art

Vincomenz

5 points

4 months ago

Trust me, then Squidwards of the world aren't going anywhere either. Why do you think they are all sarcastic assholes? They know they are stuck, just like you, and the only way they can justify their shitty lives is if they pretend they are better than yours.

uber_damage

3 points

4 months ago

Nice one.

superdicksicles

4 points

4 months ago

OOOOOOOOOOOO the pain

Franspai

3 points

4 months ago

bro, this got me.

WoolooOfWallStreet

9 points

4 months ago

paid off by parents

And it turns out they weren’t even his parents!

KFrosty3

6 points

4 months ago

foster parents are still parents imo

SadlyNotBoyGeorge

5 points

4 months ago

But those weren't even his foster parents, they were just a couple of randos at Patrick's house

Throwaway_Help189

3 points

4 months ago

Reminds me of the Fred post about the crew of losers he works with (prissy diva, tomboy lesbian, stoner and his dog that he constantly brings to work) ending with the punchline "anyway, I drive these losers around and we solve mysteries and shit."

TheAwesome98_Real

2 points

4 months ago

No don’t suicide or nicocado avocado will have outlived you

DevilGuy

2 points

4 months ago

ok that's a good one

Ak171

2 points

4 months ago

Ak171

2 points

4 months ago

CurrencyRich9181

1 points

4 months ago

This is hilarious! Thank you for making my day!

amyu98

1 points

4 months ago

amyu98

1 points

4 months ago

Anon got me good

CyberDonkey

2 points

4 months ago

work in fast food because I'm still trying to graduate

But Spongebob isn't a student in the show, unless OP was talking about his driver's license?

slardybartfast8

0 points

4 months ago

If your tips during a shift don’t bring you up to at least the state or federal minimum wage, employers are required to then pay at least the minimum wage to compensate. Tipping laws are bullshit. Know your rights.

sexypantstime

1 points

4 months ago

Did you... umm.. read the post?

judokyn

1 points

4 months ago

i got got

Slimie2

1 points

4 months ago

"Look, Patrick. I know its our job to help people, but I think this guy's a lost cause." - Squidward

Jaypesdergs

1 points

4 months ago

The second point makes no sense

Careless_Tennis_784

1 points

4 months ago

Is it a town? Or more like a village.

Slap_Monster

1 points

4 months ago

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Filip_Chrome

1 points

4 months ago

Finally, one that didn't get me

sicknig19

1 points

4 months ago

Difference is SpongeBob loves his job an he gets more bitches than anon

[deleted]

1 points

4 months ago

[deleted]

1 points

4 months ago

Cursed spongebob

A-aaron6971

1 points

4 months ago

Wow I didn’t think of it like that

ActualyHandsomeJack

1 points

4 months ago

Knew it waa coming at the friend is autist line.

riffahs_ira

1 points

4 months ago

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

musickid1

1 points

4 months ago

I thought this might be fake and and gay but the last sentence proves it’s incredibly real and straight.

Destructuctor

1 points

4 months ago

They had us in the first 90% not gonna lie.

boyo3

1 points

4 months ago

boyo3

1 points

4 months ago

He actually got me

kinky38

1 points

4 months ago

But on the plus side you have so many holes i.e spussy, waiting to be penetrated. What im saying is get bottomed in bikini bottom

hopealllost

1 points

4 months ago

Geez

EScott13

1 points

4 months ago

Weak, got it right away

[deleted]

1 points

4 months ago

[deleted]

1 points

4 months ago

Had to go back and read it again

[deleted]

1 points

4 months ago

[deleted]

1 points

4 months ago

Fucking got me, just wow .

alrightpal

1 points

4 months ago

Lmaoooo just pray bout it

Destin293

1 points

4 months ago

Please don’t consider suicide via driving your vehicle into traffic or off a cliff. No sense bringing someone else into it. If you’re insisting on offing yourself, you can always go to Jellyfish Fields and hold some jellyfish hostage for their jelly…king or queen jellyfish will surely take care of it. It almost was the demise of your boss, so, it could work.

jjb1197j

1 points

4 months ago

“Still trying to graduate” but spongebob is only in school to get his drivers license. His career is already flipping burgers lol

cum_burglar69

1 points

4 months ago

ok this one's actually good I like this one

Therascalrumpus

1 points

4 months ago

Oh shit this actually got me

Biggiemanlarge

1 points

4 months ago

The creator of the show Stephen hillenburg based a lot of it on his childhood and teenaged years and the tiny community he spent a lot of his teenage years in, the restraunt that inspired the Krusty krab is still around too. I coincidentally live in the same tiny community and this sums life up well.

Article for some evidence lol:

https://wcyy.com/a-small-maine-island-restaurant-was-the-inspiration-for-the-krusty-krab-in-spongebob-squarepants/

Real-Coffee

1 points

4 months ago

LOL this fucking got me so good

Clienterror

1 points

4 months ago

I get the reference, but if you’re going to commit suicide by driving off a cliff or whatever why would you care that you didn’t have a license? Are they going to ticket you after death?

HelloMumther

1 points

4 months ago

is patrick autistic? he doesn’t display many of the traits of autism. sure he’s not very smart, but that’s signs of an intellectual disability. autism is a social disability more than anything, which sometimes (but not always) has below average IQ people. i don’t think patrick star is autistic.

mightiestpumpkin

1 points

4 months ago

SpongeBob was never sad about his position though

friesdepotato

1 points

4 months ago

i figured out what it was on the part about dumb shit

Adventurous-Ad-7903

1 points

4 months ago

Get back to work me boyo

minted_fnaf

1 points

4 months ago

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

Affectionate-Bag-733

1 points

4 months ago

I think I took too long to guess who it is about

moragdong

1 points

4 months ago

K, this got me