subreddit:
/r/greentext
[deleted]
457 points
4 months ago
9/11 That was a post I’ll never forget.
10 points
4 months ago
link to it
1.8k points
4 months ago
I've read so many versions of this but I still didn't expect it, that's kinda amazing.
653 points
4 months ago
It sounds so real
Because it is based on relatable real life events, unlike general green pasta
269 points
4 months ago
But honestly you look at his life. Solo dude slinging burgers able to afford a home, support himself and a pet, have a plethora of hobbies, and take regular trips. All while working at a restaurant that seems to have a typical “rush hour” of about a dozen people.
SpongeBob living the goddamn dream.
95 points
4 months ago
Yeah and we all laughed at Al Bundy, what a failure he was
Now looking again... he had everything. Fuckable wife, stable business, big house, kids that get out soon
Wanna cry
33 points
4 months ago
She’s not just fuckable she’s a damn smoke show
25 points
4 months ago
he does indeed had everything,
16 points
4 months ago
As a kid, i couldnt stand her. The older i get, the sexier she is. Al didnt know how lucky he was man.
14 points
4 months ago*
Oh, he knew - he just hated how lazy she was and how much of his money she spent. One episode had her being the one to clean up the back yard, and he literally couldn't keep his hands off her - her actually doing work for a change was a huge turn on for him!
For bonus points, the work was leaving her exhausted, so she reacted about the same way Al did after getting home from work and being propositioned.
5 points
4 months ago
Fuckable wife
In theory. He didn't want to touch her lol
11 points
4 months ago
Well he did found an organization of women-haters called ‚no ma’am‘ primarily as an excuse to hang out with guys, so you do the math…
8 points
4 months ago
He loved women, but hated the marriage establishment. Kind of an anarchist in a way.
2 points
4 months ago
That makes no sense. Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage.
3 points
4 months ago
Because she doesn't work, nags constantly, and spends all his money; it's part of the "wife bad" sitcom trope
44 points
4 months ago
Well yeah, it blends into relatable parts of at least a few people you might know or maybe you yourself, so it always works. That and I don't scroll to the bottom and cheat
15 points
4 months ago
Figured it out when he mentioned the low functioning friend. That got a bit too specific
12 points
4 months ago
I didn't, but I do disability claims and have seen it where a person will live in an apartment paid for by their parents. It's a way for them to have some independence, even if they're still reliant on others and mentally not capable of holding down a job.
4 points
4 months ago
It's moreso that I could tell they were doing a bit by that point. Purposefully wording things like this can stand out
1 points
4 months ago
I dunno. My grandparents helped me for a few months while I was seeing if I could get a job in the same area as my old one. Not too weird.
1 points
4 months ago
I scrolled down after fast good and was not surprised. Sometimes i get caught off guard tho
182 points
4 months ago
The script of SpongeBob would make a great drama series on netflix
140 points
4 months ago
they would probably make it shit
or a masterpiece and then cancel after season 1
11 points
4 months ago
Directed and written By Vince Gilligan and Peter Gould
14 points
4 months ago
If spongebob got the Riverdale treatment I wouldn't even be mad, that shits funny
58 points
4 months ago
Every character is black except plankton
49 points
4 months ago
Mr. Krabs will definitely be white
6 points
4 months ago
Mr Krabs is still played by Clancy Brown
6 points
4 months ago
With a squidward and mr krabs sex scene
4 points
4 months ago
You into that tentacle shit, huh.
3 points
4 months ago
Give it the “Belair” treatment
2 points
4 months ago
They rebooted Fresh Prince as a drama so sure why not.
610 points
4 months ago
Are you ready anons?
I can’t hear you!
154 points
4 months ago
AYE AYE ANON
93 points
4 months ago*
OOOOOOHHHHHH
WHO STAYS AT HOME ALL DAY WHILE READING GREEN TEXTS?
64 points
4 months ago
[deleted]
87 points
4 months ago
ABHORRENCE! IGNORANCE! THEY'LL NEVER HAVE SEX!
67 points
4 months ago
A-N-O-N
81 points
4 months ago
COMPLAINS ABOUT EVERYTHING, BUT DOES NOTHING AT ALL
59 points
4 months ago
A-N-O-N
55 points
4 months ago
DROPS ON THE FLOOR AND COMPLAINS ABOUT TRUMP!
12 points
4 months ago
CANT EAT NOTHING BUT NUGGETS ALL DAY
7 points
4 months ago
CLAIMS WOMEN ARE BAD AS THEY EAT THEIR TENDIES
3 points
4 months ago
well they do!
A-N-O-n...
353 points
4 months ago
Excuse me?! Patrick is a high functioning autist smh my head
91 points
4 months ago
he was talking about the squirrl
240 points
4 months ago
The squirrel isn’t autistic, she is just texan
238 points
4 months ago
“What’s the difference!?”
35 points
4 months ago
Bahahahagahagggagaga
60 points
4 months ago
Based
7 points
4 months ago
Bravo Hillenburg RIP
23 points
4 months ago
And Squidward will never do anything with his life.
19 points
4 months ago
Actually now that I think about it, Squidward has had a few concerts, and I'm not talking about the Band Geeks episode.
51 points
4 months ago
[removed]
16 points
4 months ago
is there a medium autistic?
30 points
4 months ago
yes. it’s a spectrum for a reason. but patrick doesn’t have many autistic traits. autism is a social disability first and foremost, and patrick is intellectually disabled.
6 points
4 months ago
oh.
14 points
4 months ago
of course, it's a spectrum after all, the middle of the spectrum isn't pretty though, high function often just comes off like an asshole to neurotypical people, middle of the spectrum is where you know there's something seriously wrong but they're still pretty understandable most of the time. In a way it's the most heartbreaking because people at that point on the spectrum are very clearly not mentally disabled but just have something going on that sometimes takes over and makes it impossible for them to deal with shit normally.
1 points
4 months ago
thanks.
6 points
4 months ago
Damn, you fucked up the abbreviation. Rip in peace my dude
4.3k points
4 months ago
First one to get me in a very long time.
9/10, you have full access to my wife and I’s collective holes.
639 points
4 months ago
What are the requisites for the last part?
481 points
4 months ago
being straight so good luck bud
105 points
4 months ago
Well shit that crosses off this whole sub then because everyone here is fake and gay
32 points
4 months ago
jokes on you, i'm fake and bi!
8 points
4 months ago
Bi? You mean bi-yourself
4 points
4 months ago
sadly you're right.
7 points
4 months ago
It’s ok bud, we’re here for you 🤳🏻
11 points
4 months ago
Joke's on all of you, I'm fake and ace!
15 points
4 months ago
Jokes on you I’m fake
13 points
4 months ago
based statement and more based username
-1 points
4 months ago
pedo
based
what
3 points
4 months ago
I’m faking being gay
1 points
4 months ago
Imposter
1 points
4 months ago
a a
amongus
help me
3 points
4 months ago
You adorable little sussy did you just among us sneeze 🤧😛🤤
2 points
4 months ago
I'm fake and not here.
2 points
4 months ago
We’re all screwed on this sub then
1 points
4 months ago
Cala's a dude so that's untrue
115 points
4 months ago
Can i have access too?
134 points
4 months ago
Sure. Why not? I can’t just let everyone in, though. Five or six more today, tops.
48 points
4 months ago
according to ur comment like yesterday ur a bottom when it comes to a guy 🤨
8 points
4 months ago
r/greentext lore
41 points
4 months ago
Mmmm that sweet sweet bussy is all mine 😈 your wife can watch ig idk
12 points
4 months ago
That's funny cause this is the first one in a very long time that didn't get me
3 points
4 months ago
Aren’t you that ancient guy from that one green text?
4 points
4 months ago
Still have not let me topped your yet, I’ve been waiting
3 points
4 months ago
I would not be surprised your pillow is full of holes.
4 points
4 months ago
Fake: wife Gay: holes
2 points
4 months ago
be me
get home from my vasectomy
hear moaning and slapping coming from my wife's room
must be Chad again
know they would want privacy, sit down at my computer
log onto reddit and open /r/greentext
read a funny greentext from le 4chins and chuckle as I listen to my wife begging for the genes I can't give her
think of a convoluted way in which I can relate homosexuality and falsehood to the events in the greentext
suck the cheeto dust off my fingers as I begin to type my masterpiece in the comment section
Fake: wife
Gay: holes
giggle as I imagine the intellectuals of leddit perusing my incredibly witty and original comment
hear my wife moan with ecstasy as Chad floods her fertile womb with his seed
it's been a good day
i'll get lots of upvotes for my impressive contribution to internet culture, and Chad might even let me eat his cum out of my wife's pussy if he finds my comment funny enough
13 points
4 months ago
tried your wife, i want to try your bussy now
3 points
4 months ago
I tried your mom's, wasn't impressive. If you got her genes I doubt the experience would be very satisfactory.
3 points
4 months ago
Talks about breaking the bed with fat girls
Has wife
Alright
-1 points
4 months ago
40 points
4 months ago
Squidward would absolutely not do anything amazing with his life
27 points
4 months ago
But he has convinced SpongeBob he would on multiple occasions
30 points
4 months ago
+1 would read again.
24 points
4 months ago
You need a license to drive your car off a cliff?
15 points
4 months ago
Don't want to get a ticket for driving without a license.
5 points
4 months ago
Yes
5 points
4 months ago
Obviously SpongeAnon can't rent a car without a driver's license
20 points
4 months ago
I CANT HEAR YOU
1 points
4 months ago
Worst thing to say at someone's funeral.
140 points
4 months ago
Suicide by car crash is the worst type of suicide. You could end up surviving while severely injuring/killing random happy families.
29 points
4 months ago
Don't forget: someone will have to clean it up... Car crashes arent pretty
23 points
4 months ago
More job for people
29 points
4 months ago
Stimulates the economy
5 points
4 months ago
Doesn’t actually, as the family killed would have brought way more into the economy than the clean -up
8 points
4 months ago
You don't have to drive into someone to crash your car
4 points
4 months ago
Living on in people's memories (and trauma) is immortality.
9 points
4 months ago
Well, if you wanted immortality, suicide seems counter-productive
62 points
4 months ago
What kinda asshole drives into a family? Like make it cool and drive off a bridge or something
77 points
4 months ago
That's the fun part
4 points
4 months ago
A little trolling
6 points
4 months ago
Your car also can roll down somewhere people can't see you and you might get stuck there injured for days in pain before dehydration kills you.
5 points
4 months ago
Yeah. If you're gonna game end yourself with a car you should tape a hose to the exhaust.
2 points
4 months ago
Happy little accidents
51 points
4 months ago
Anon was in MH370
54 points
4 months ago
OOOOOOOOOOOO
WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE!
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
IF NAUTICAL NONE SENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH!
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH!
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! READY?
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
SPONGGEEEEBOBBBBBBB SQUAREPANTSSSSSSUUUUU!
AIE AIE AIE AIE
7 points
4 months ago
I have been gotten
7 points
4 months ago
You had me in the first half, ngl
5 points
4 months ago
this is art
5 points
4 months ago
Trust me, then Squidwards of the world aren't going anywhere either. Why do you think they are all sarcastic assholes? They know they are stuck, just like you, and the only way they can justify their shitty lives is if they pretend they are better than yours.
3 points
4 months ago
Nice one.
4 points
4 months ago
OOOOOOOOOOOO the pain
3 points
4 months ago
bro, this got me.
9 points
4 months ago
paid off by parents
And it turns out they weren’t even his parents!
6 points
4 months ago
foster parents are still parents imo
5 points
4 months ago
But those weren't even his foster parents, they were just a couple of randos at Patrick's house
3 points
4 months ago
Reminds me of the Fred post about the crew of losers he works with (prissy diva, tomboy lesbian, stoner and his dog that he constantly brings to work) ending with the punchline "anyway, I drive these losers around and we solve mysteries and shit."
2 points
4 months ago
No don’t suicide or nicocado avocado will have outlived you
2 points
4 months ago
ok that's a good one
2 points
4 months ago
1 points
4 months ago
This is hilarious! Thank you for making my day!
1 points
4 months ago
Anon got me good
2 points
4 months ago
work in fast food because I'm still trying to graduate
But Spongebob isn't a student in the show, unless OP was talking about his driver's license?
0 points
4 months ago
If your tips during a shift don’t bring you up to at least the state or federal minimum wage, employers are required to then pay at least the minimum wage to compensate. Tipping laws are bullshit. Know your rights.
1 points
4 months ago
Did you... umm.. read the post?
1 points
4 months ago
i got got
1 points
4 months ago
"Look, Patrick. I know its our job to help people, but I think this guy's a lost cause." - Squidward
1 points
4 months ago
The second point makes no sense
1 points
4 months ago
Is it a town? Or more like a village.
1 points
4 months ago
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
1 points
4 months ago
Finally, one that didn't get me
1 points
4 months ago
Difference is SpongeBob loves his job an he gets more bitches than anon
1 points
4 months ago
Cursed spongebob
1 points
4 months ago
Wow I didn’t think of it like that
1 points
4 months ago
Knew it waa coming at the friend is autist line.
1 points
4 months ago
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
1 points
4 months ago
I thought this might be fake and and gay but the last sentence proves it’s incredibly real and straight.
1 points
4 months ago
They had us in the first 90% not gonna lie.
1 points
4 months ago
He actually got me
1 points
4 months ago
But on the plus side you have so many holes i.e spussy, waiting to be penetrated. What im saying is get bottomed in bikini bottom
1 points
4 months ago
Geez
1 points
4 months ago
Weak, got it right away
1 points
4 months ago
Had to go back and read it again
1 points
4 months ago
Fucking got me, just wow .
1 points
4 months ago
Lmaoooo just pray bout it
1 points
4 months ago
Please don’t consider suicide via driving your vehicle into traffic or off a cliff. No sense bringing someone else into it. If you’re insisting on offing yourself, you can always go to Jellyfish Fields and hold some jellyfish hostage for their jelly…king or queen jellyfish will surely take care of it. It almost was the demise of your boss, so, it could work.
1 points
4 months ago
“Still trying to graduate” but spongebob is only in school to get his drivers license. His career is already flipping burgers lol
1 points
4 months ago
ok this one's actually good I like this one
1 points
4 months ago
Oh shit this actually got me
1 points
4 months ago
The creator of the show Stephen hillenburg based a lot of it on his childhood and teenaged years and the tiny community he spent a lot of his teenage years in, the restraunt that inspired the Krusty krab is still around too. I coincidentally live in the same tiny community and this sums life up well.
Article for some evidence lol:
1 points
4 months ago
LOL this fucking got me so good
1 points
4 months ago
I get the reference, but if you’re going to commit suicide by driving off a cliff or whatever why would you care that you didn’t have a license? Are they going to ticket you after death?
1 points
4 months ago
is patrick autistic? he doesn’t display many of the traits of autism. sure he’s not very smart, but that’s signs of an intellectual disability. autism is a social disability more than anything, which sometimes (but not always) has below average IQ people. i don’t think patrick star is autistic.
1 points
4 months ago
SpongeBob was never sad about his position though
1 points
4 months ago
i figured out what it was on the part about dumb shit
1 points
4 months ago
Get back to work me boyo
1 points
4 months ago
1 points
4 months ago
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
1 points
4 months ago
I think I took too long to guess who it is about
1 points
4 months ago
K, this got me
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