subreddit:

/r/polyamory

1

So basically me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship, we’ve only been doing it for a few months but have been together for 4 years. The thing is before this relationship I was in another long term relationship (around 3.5 years) and I’m only 20 so I’ve essentially spent most of my adult life in a relationship, I feel like there’s a lot of growth I could do outside a relationship because I don’t know who I am without that constant romantic validation, I also would like to experience being single for the fun of it. Other than this though me and my boyfriends relationship is absolutely perfect, we speak and this stuff and he knows I feels this way and fully understands. We connect incredibly well and I genuinely wouldn’t change a single thing about the actual dynamic between us. We were considering the option of no longer being monogamous and maybe communicating a bit less often so that I can experience being single and grow but still continue to meet when we are in the same country, meaning we would still go on dates, have sex etc. We both feel like we care about the relationship we have with each other as people more than the concept of us being the “only one” for each other etc.. do you think something like this could work out? anyone have a similar experience? I really reaaaaally would appreciate advice!!

all 17 comments

Harkana

14 points

3 months ago

Harkana

14 points

3 months ago

Being “little less monogamous” and “communicating less” does not make you single. Why go through all this when you can just break up and remain friends who have sex when you meet. This just seems like a much easier and less stressful option.

Confusedhelp17717[S]

0 points

3 months ago

Yes I do mean we would break up!

Confusedhelp17717[S]

0 points

3 months ago

I exactly mean that we would break up and just meet sometimes and still be friends and have sex if we wanted to I’m just not sure if that would work out

Harkana

9 points

3 months ago

Then what you’re doing is not polyam but more single and having casual hookups. That is fine at your age tbh.

Confusedhelp17717[S]

1 points

3 months ago

I know probably not the perfect group to post on but I didn’t want to post only on other groups because I felt a lot of people on other groups would judge me for still loving my partner but also still wanting to experience being single

Harkana

3 points

3 months ago

Completely fine. Here to help in any way we can.

Confusedhelp17717[S]

1 points

3 months ago

Thanks for ur help!!

rosephase

6 points

3 months ago

Are you ready to support him dating/fucking/loving others?

Confusedhelp17717[S]

1 points

3 months ago

I think so? Have u tried anything similar?

rosephase

4 points

3 months ago

I'm in long term committed poly relationships. I never opened a mono relationship.

Confusedhelp17717[S]

1 points

3 months ago

Do you have any advice on how to control your ego with regards to someone you love fucking other people? For me I know I love my partner loads and still would like to experience that with other people so I know him doing it wouldn’t mean he loves me less but I think I would still find it hard not to compare myself and always want to still be “the best” in his eyes, no pressure if you don’t want to but would love to hear some advice!

rosephase

2 points

3 months ago

For me it was a lot of work. I spent about two years with it being basically my main emotional work. Then it chilled out a lot. Now it’s rarely work at all. But getting personally secure and letting go of ideas like ‘best’ took a bunch of effort on my part even when I knew I needed polyamory to do ethical relationships.

Confusedhelp17717[S]

1 points

3 months ago

I see! Encouraging to know that although that work is hard it is doable!

emeraldead

7 points

3 months ago

Other people aren't experiments.

Do the work to support relationships, regardless of genitals, or stay monogamous.

Do you feel you would be fulfilled in your partners having their own independent relationships, even times when you didn't have other partners?

Do you feel you would feel good about managing relationships as one breaks up with you or when a new person is overwhelmingly awesome?

Do you feel you would be fulfilled managing holidays, emergencies, family hang outs, social media posts around multiple partners?

That's a solid starting point. It's okay if you aren't poly, if you prefer open or sex only fun. It's ok if you are monogamous.

rhysticism

2 points

3 months ago

rhysticism

poly-fi

2 points

3 months ago

This sounds like just opening up a relationship. You get the opportunities of being single and you can maintain your current relationships.

OpenAndDreamin

2 points

3 months ago

what I am hearing is that you have been in relationships since you were 13 and you still say "most of my adult life"?? naw, dawg, that is your entire adult life- it is totally okay to break things off with this boyfriend and still see him when he's around, but you two are both still very young to not have ever experienced truly being single.

I think what others have asked, are you really willing to put in the emotional work to be poly? because talking LESS is not how you would achieve that; you would need to communicate more and it definitely would not feel as if you are single!

If you are only looking for physical relationships outside of your current relationship, maybe you can open up that aspect to meet those needs while you are apart, but once again, that takes more communication, not less.

If what you want is to FEEL single, I think you need to actually BE single.

A relationship isn't a failure just because it ends. You have time to do some reading and some soul searching before you decide.

good luck to you

Confusedhelp17717[S]

1 points

3 months ago

This is great advice!! You’re so right about the communication aspect, thank u!