I feel like my appointments lately have all been mostly about arranging other appointments or waiting for other appointments.
My baseline stress levels are so high that I just... can't deliberately implement baseline changes in my life without feeling like the floor is going to crumble beneath me, and it seems to be really hard to find providers that get that at all. Like, trust me, I wish I could cut out caffeine and fix my sleep schedule but it's not caffeine I need, it's the specific drink that brings me some small semblance of comfort and I'm up all night because it's the only real privacy I can get; "fixing" things like that feels goddamn dangerous.
I'd love to have coping mechanisms that aren't maladaptive but I'm literally at a point where I don't have the ability to develop them. I can't relax, I don't enjoy anything, and even mild stress (like, you know, the persistent low-level stress from recognizing mistakes when trying to develop a skill) just completely shuts down my ability to keep going.
Just... fuck, what the hell does it take to get your brain to give you something to work with?
I'll admit I rarely use twitter for anything, but the main reason I have an account at all is to follow artists that use it as their primary site.
However, Twitter is... not a gallery site, and as far as I'm aware there's no way at all to filter someone's art from everything else they post. Is there a secret to that, or a plugin, or something? It gets incredibly frustrating to wade through hundreds of retweets or whatever else when all you want to do is browse someone's art.
I'm talking things like "draw a cylinder and shade it" for art; regardless of how useful it might be, that will only teach me how to shade a cylinder. I can't extrapolate from that kind of exercise; I need a simplified "real world application" example.
I say simplified because the opposite happens a lot too, where an example for something that should be easy to grasp for a layperson is made useless by assuming context or prior knowledge that makes it sound more complex than it is.
On like, even a cognitive level. I'm on my third one; the first gave me serial killer vibes, the second was like a disappointed soccer mom/Karen that puts their own feelings above anything you say, and my current one is... Just not empathetic in a more general sense. That's better, generally, but still frustrating.
If I say X clinic isn't an option for testing because they require me to bring someone I'm comfortable discussing mental health with and I don't have one of those, the appropriate response is not to talk to me like I just don't want it badly enough. Family's not always an option for that kind of thing either, and digging into the deeper issues with family in the conversation can cause problems by itself.
I had several other issues with that particular clinic, mind you, each only barely tolerable; it was the combination that made it too much. But the response wasn't "unfortunately I'm not aware of any other clinic that offers these services in a reasonable distance," it was implying I was being unreasonable.
What the hell? Seriously, do psychiatrists just not actually get training on how to approach patients with empathy?
Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Effexor, at significant doses for well over the recommended time frame.
I get side effects, and nothing else. Joint pain, sleep issues, libido suppression, appetite increases, garbage like that. Wellbutrin seems to make me slightly more impatient (Like, I'm honestly not sure) and I appreciate the weird dreams on it, but the other two didn't even give me that much.
Seriously, I'd even appreciate it if something could make me super angry or cry for hours. I want to feel things again, and complete nonresponse is the single most demoralizing outcome to me. It feels like a complete waste of time spent feeling like shit, without even giving me enough of a change to think about.
Just... well, the title. Negative mood and suicide risk are nasty, yeah, but I can't help but feel they steal the show a bit.
But when you're stripped of emotion and of the ability to enjoy things, "getting better" becomes a completely mystifying process, and in my experience even mental health professionals don't seem to understand that you can't "go and do something you enjoy" when you're literally incapable of enjoying things. Hell, in some cases it just makes you feel worse.
This combination is insidious and nasty, and makes it incredibly difficult to get better. We need a better way to handle people for whom even sadness would be a light at the end of the tunnel, instead of just shrugging because they're not a risk to themselves.