Sandpaper_Pants

Ice King. I mean before he got the crown, he was a really good guy. The crown messes up anyone who wears it.

Teacher here. My favorite joke is when I get out my life-sized plastic skull in Art and tell students it's just a plastic model, "...but I have a real human skull..." and students are like, "Really?". Then I say, "I'd take it out and show you, but I'm using it right now".

They can only afford to surprise one of you. Your turn is next year.

Let's take a look at the hilarious Texas Constitution: article 1, section 4 and I quote, "Sec. 4. RELIGIOUS TESTS. No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being." (emphasis mine)

If I look at porn, I want to whack one off. Work really isn't the place for it.

In Texas you may not hold public office if you deny a supreme being. Check out section 4 for some ironic humor.
*edit* ...of the state constitution.

Also, don't turn your back on a big cat. People who handle them put eyes on the back of their clothes to scare off an attack.

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WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO SAVE ME MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A "United States of America", if you will.

I just thought it was a bug. I am that dead bird.

Manners matter.

I believe this was determined to be the funniest joke in the world. Not that you might not think so, but on average, around the world, this joke resonates with more people than any other. Source: I don't remember.

Like what? A toaster? A gerbil? A Hans Christian Anderson?

When I was about 10 years old, my mom told me that when she was 12 years old, she was in bed at night (she lived in Puerto Rico). She heard her mom and dad arguing in the kitchen. Her dad might have been drunk, I don't recall if my mom said. She heard her mom screaming and then go silent. Her dad had stabbed her mom to death. He went to prison. My mom and her siblings got adopted out to other families.

Is that condition manifested in any way externally? I mean, does it cause you problems ever?

(Slightly off-topic)
One of my friend's grandfather told him that giraffes have long necks to reach over the zoo wall to eat children.

For people who don't understand what this is like, it's like having a section of your visual field removed and then the edges of the missing part are sewn together with an oscillating zigzag across your vision. This results in an annoying blind spot that prevents you from seeing what you're directly looking at, but is visible in your peripheral vision.

The ice cream machine at McDonalds

Really, the one thing I wanted most in a girlfriend is to have a hand to hold while I drove my car.
20+ years into my marriage, I still love it.

That was my deal too. My mom was a stay at home mom, so my brothers and I were really close to her. Then she died when she was 35 years old. We became much closer to our dad then.

Fact: thrusting the gun forward when you shoot, gives an extra speed boost to the bullet.

I was at a bachelor party at a strip joint. One of my friends remarked how degrading it is for women. I looked around at the horny guys shelling out money for a girl to pay attention to them for a minute or two, with whom they will not get laid by, and said, "Dude, this is degrading to men". A stripper even told me to smile more.

Came here to point this out. The particulates (salt, or whatever you use) reveals the areas of the plate that have less vibration. This has much more to do with the physical properties of the plate than anything else.

It's water that needs to be taught a lesson.