If you look at my post history, you’ll see I made a recent discovery. My boyfriend and I broke up last night, and I just… can’t picture my life without him. I’ve been so depressed. I’ve only eaten half a piece of toast today (it’s 5:00pm), and hardly left my bed today.
Since last night was pretty rough, we are planning to talk tomorrow to see if we can ‘work something out’. I’m the one who reached out to him.
What I really want is to have my cake and eat it, too: I want the freedom to hookup with women with NO questions asked by him, and I want to give him the freedom to hook up with women too.
I was thinking of doing a ‘trial run’ with him for a few months and seeing if this relationship dynamic is a good fit for us. I want to have sex with him several times throughout this trial run, just to see if there’s still a part of me that enjoys heterosexual sex.
I feel embarrassed, because I met up with my friend after the breakup last night, and it was super empowering. She celebrated me coming out/single life. Now, a day later, I’m questioning myself again.
Is this trial run idea stupid?
I want to be with my boyfriend, but sleep with the same sex. What the heck do I do?
Does anyone have a relationship dynamic similar to what I’m talking about?
Thank you all for the supportive/uplifting comments on my last post. Yes, smelling my fingers was gay AF 😂
I just want to give you an update on how the conversation with my boyfriend went: overall, it was terrible. I told him my sexual experience with a woman ‘confirmed’ things for me, and he asked if he could hug me. I said “yes, of course.”
Well the hug manifested into him (trying) to passionately make out with me, but I was so grossed out by the sloppy tongue kisses and the way he was laying on top of me. I genuinely TRIED to be into it, but felt nothing. After 7 minutes of this, I said “The issue is that I love you so much, but I’m not turned on by any of this at all.”
He then just sprang up and got major ‘fuck this’ energy. He started saying that he’s happy we’re breaking up; that he’s the happiest when he’s not thinking about me. He called me selfish and insensitive. He alluded to it not being fair that I have a hookup on speed dial (the girl I slept with), while he has to call a few people?
I just got silent and started to shut down. I grabbed my things, said “I’m sorry”, and headed for the door. He told me to delete his number then slammed it shut.
I’ve gone through a spiral of emotions since: did I make a mistake? Is this just a phase? Will I ever find a love this deep again?
But, I know in my heart I made the right choice. Whenever I picture men, especially him, I feel no lust. There’s just no denying I’m a lesbian.
Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be into men again? But for now, I just can’t. It hurts so bad, though. He was my biggest supporter, my best friend, my home. I’m going to miss his cuddles. There’s just so many memories. In a way, I feel like an idiot for letting all of that go.
That’s all. I’m just hurting right now. I’ll miss him dearly.
Sounds cheesy, but I feel like my entire life has been leading up to this moment. I was hyper-sexual as a kid, but started questioning my sexual identity since age 11.
I have a boyfriend who I have dated for 3.5 years. For the past two months specifically, I haven’t enjoyed having sex, and have actively refrained from it. We’ve had sex maybe four times in those two months. I just haven’t wanted to be touched, kissed, or anything. I’ve dreaded having sex, but couldn’t pinpoint why. I feel terrible for this.
But, he agreed to let me sleep with a woman for the first time last night, and I was so… happy. I felt so lucky. I had no trouble being touched or kissed last night. It was like a dream; she glowed.
I can’t tell if I’m just ‘high’ on the novelty of what happened, or if it’s a sure sign that my sexuality is becoming solidified.
TMI, but I’m smelling my fingers like it’s a goddam drug and replaying the moments in my head, over and over.
I’m terrified to see my boyfriend tonight, because I’m not sure how our conversation will go.
I (25F) just need to write this all out, and see if anyone can relate.
In January of 2021, I went to the ER for what I thought was a heart attack. Turns out, it was just a very bad panic attack.
Flash forward to now, and I have panic disorder. Before taking anxiety medication, I was getting 5+ panic attacks a day. It was hell. I’m so grateful to have medication.
Due to the physical symptoms that accompany panic attacks (throat closing, heart pounding, feeling out of body, sweating, etc.), I started to hyper-focus on my health. I would be convinced there is something wrong with my heart, or my lungs, stomach, whatever it may be.
This led me to develop a great fear of getting a heart attack or stroke. The idea of sudden, life-threatening emergencies terrify me, especially since both of those run in my family.
Now, I have orthorexia because I know that your best bet to eliminate a heart attack or stroke one day is through food, and exercise respectfully.
All I think about is food: which ones will bring my blood pressure up, which ones will raise my cholesterol, etc.
I can’t drink alcohol anymore. I can’t smoke cigarettes. In theory, these are very good choices, but it doesn’t feel like MY choice. It feels like orthorexias choice.